Growing up sucks. I guess I never anticipated how different life would be after graduation. Working full time is so draining that I feel like I have no more energy left at the end of the day. I feel like I'm busting my ass just so I can put a roof over my head, food in my stomach, gas in my car, etc. Post graduation, it just seems like all my decisions have been made around making money and supporting myself. I find myself applying to biotech/research jobs because I know they pay more than teaching. So what about teaching? What happened to that? I guess I never noticed how much money is an issue until now. A part of me just want to follow the traditional route of graduating from college, go to med school, find a job, and just live a slow, stable, normal life. Yet, slowly, I feel like I'm drifting further and further away from my plans. To tell you the truth, I don't even know what the plan is anymore. Another part of me just want to go somewhere on my own for a bit, do a little bit of teaching, a little bit of art, a little bit of everything. Yup...the life of a bum. Kind of appealing doesn't it? The adventurous and unglamorous life.
Gawd, I have so many burning desires right now that it hurts. Sometimes it's hard to see the big picture of everything when I'm so preoccupied with what is right before me.
Ah, the fucking reality of growing up.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Peace, Love, Ecstasy
I hold the little green pill in one sweaty palm and a bottle of water in the other. Through my four years of experience in college, I've learned my share of lessons. There is a difference in being reckless and being open minded. I was given the opportunity to try something new, and I took it. I was curious, and I wanted to satisfy my curiosity. The experience itself is a learning opportunity, and so why not learn from it. Doing so doesn't mean that I'm crazy, or that I'm stupid. Think whatever you will, but I am a responsible adult, and I can make my own decisions.
As we walked into the heated stadium that is Cow Palace, cigarette smoke clouded my vision. Nevertheless the intense flashing lights and laser beams peaked through, and the heavy electro beats surrounded the room. I grasped his hands and together we ran down to the center of the floor, where the mass of bodies congregated, moving simultaneously to the beats of the music. Despite the loud music, the heat, and sweat, I felt a sense of peace and euphoria. It was almost as if everyone there was on the same page, speaking the same language, moving the same way, and feeling the same way about our situation. It was some unspoken love that was simply understood. People would look at me and smile, and I would smile back. We didn't need to say anything to each other, it was all out there in the open.
I felt his hands interlock in mine as our bodies swayed and rocked to the music. I could feel his gentle breathe against my ears, and his hands running down from my sides and then gently resting upon my hips. I turned around and looked into his dilated eyes and I felt safe. I felt really really good, even though I've only known this guy for the past month. There was no doubt or fear in my mind what so ever; I knew he would take good care of me. I don't know if I've ever fallen in love before, maybe I have, maybe I have not, but whatever love feels like, maybe that was it. The feeling of complete trust and confidence in someone, and the complete comfort with such intimacy. The intimacy was not sexual or lustful, it was more like a mother gently touching her newborn or the level of intimacy shared between best friends. I'm not quite sure how to describe it. He grabbed my hands and I felt instant warmth radiating throughout my body. He squeezed my hands, massaged my shoulders, and my head. Every touch felt ten times more intense. I let my fingers and hands run wild. I touched everything, his hands, his hair, his sweaty skin, other people's hands, hair, and skin. I felt like I was a blind person on a treasure hunt, touching and feeling everything there was before me.
A few friends had light gloves and gave me a light show. That was intense. The LED lights on the gloves morphed together into a fluid strew of shapes, pulsating along with the music. The lights seemed to remain in air for a few seconds even after his hands had moved away, and I can feel my eyes flicker out of control.
Just like that, I spent nine hours of my life in a state of ecstasy. It was a feeling that I've never felt before, and I treasured every single second of it. Now the question is, how much of the feeling that I felt for you that night was real?
As we walked into the heated stadium that is Cow Palace, cigarette smoke clouded my vision. Nevertheless the intense flashing lights and laser beams peaked through, and the heavy electro beats surrounded the room. I grasped his hands and together we ran down to the center of the floor, where the mass of bodies congregated, moving simultaneously to the beats of the music. Despite the loud music, the heat, and sweat, I felt a sense of peace and euphoria. It was almost as if everyone there was on the same page, speaking the same language, moving the same way, and feeling the same way about our situation. It was some unspoken love that was simply understood. People would look at me and smile, and I would smile back. We didn't need to say anything to each other, it was all out there in the open.
I felt his hands interlock in mine as our bodies swayed and rocked to the music. I could feel his gentle breathe against my ears, and his hands running down from my sides and then gently resting upon my hips. I turned around and looked into his dilated eyes and I felt safe. I felt really really good, even though I've only known this guy for the past month. There was no doubt or fear in my mind what so ever; I knew he would take good care of me. I don't know if I've ever fallen in love before, maybe I have, maybe I have not, but whatever love feels like, maybe that was it. The feeling of complete trust and confidence in someone, and the complete comfort with such intimacy. The intimacy was not sexual or lustful, it was more like a mother gently touching her newborn or the level of intimacy shared between best friends. I'm not quite sure how to describe it. He grabbed my hands and I felt instant warmth radiating throughout my body. He squeezed my hands, massaged my shoulders, and my head. Every touch felt ten times more intense. I let my fingers and hands run wild. I touched everything, his hands, his hair, his sweaty skin, other people's hands, hair, and skin. I felt like I was a blind person on a treasure hunt, touching and feeling everything there was before me.
A few friends had light gloves and gave me a light show. That was intense. The LED lights on the gloves morphed together into a fluid strew of shapes, pulsating along with the music. The lights seemed to remain in air for a few seconds even after his hands had moved away, and I can feel my eyes flicker out of control.
Just like that, I spent nine hours of my life in a state of ecstasy. It was a feeling that I've never felt before, and I treasured every single second of it. Now the question is, how much of the feeling that I felt for you that night was real?
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Twenty Seven
So what is this twenty seven, is it my age? No, I'm only 21. Is it my pant size? No, I wear a 26. So what is this 27? what significance does this number have? Why does it matter? Well this number is perhaps my life? A measure of my intelligence? 1/3 of the deciding factors of whether I'll become a doctor? DAMN this 27 means a lot, and it is a 27 that I wish I didn't have.
Really, I hoped to God that I would do better on my MCAT this time around. I came out of the test feeling so much better than the first time around. Yet, how did I do so bad. I'm not even exaggerating, I'm not hiding my score, a 27 is definitely bad, and I'm not even trying to be modest, not even in the smallest sense. When I saw this score on the computer screen, I felt like I had a near death experience. You know, when people see their lives flash in front of their eyes before they take their last breath. Yah, it was kind of like that. Flashes of everything that I've worked so hard for, everything that I envisioned to be flew before my eyes, and for a moment, I felt like I had no control over anything. So what do I do from here? What does this mean. Is it a sign that maybe medicine is not right for me? Is it a sign for me to go and try something else? Or does it mean absolutely nothing? That I just happened to take two bad tests? I don't know...
Honestly, I still don't know why I want to be a doctor. How can we ever know without actually being one. I feel like a lot of us go into this blindly because we just happen to like the sciences, and being a doctor makes the most sense. Well does it? Does it really make sense? I feel like I have so many passions in life, so many...if you read this blog, you would see and understand where I am coming from. Yet, I just happen to choose this one profession where it would force me to give up and sacrifice almost everything I am passionate about. But I always tell myself that I could be such a great doctor, and that I would be able to find passion in that and it would all be worth it. But how can I know for sure that this is what I'll find when I have no idea as to what it really means to be a doctor?
So which one is it. If I decide to stray from this path, will I be applauded for my courage to finally free myself from the pressure, the enticing aspects of prestige, respect, and money. Or will I be seen as the coward that just simply gave up?
Plan B, marry a rich guy.
Really, I hoped to God that I would do better on my MCAT this time around. I came out of the test feeling so much better than the first time around. Yet, how did I do so bad. I'm not even exaggerating, I'm not hiding my score, a 27 is definitely bad, and I'm not even trying to be modest, not even in the smallest sense. When I saw this score on the computer screen, I felt like I had a near death experience. You know, when people see their lives flash in front of their eyes before they take their last breath. Yah, it was kind of like that. Flashes of everything that I've worked so hard for, everything that I envisioned to be flew before my eyes, and for a moment, I felt like I had no control over anything. So what do I do from here? What does this mean. Is it a sign that maybe medicine is not right for me? Is it a sign for me to go and try something else? Or does it mean absolutely nothing? That I just happened to take two bad tests? I don't know...
Honestly, I still don't know why I want to be a doctor. How can we ever know without actually being one. I feel like a lot of us go into this blindly because we just happen to like the sciences, and being a doctor makes the most sense. Well does it? Does it really make sense? I feel like I have so many passions in life, so many...if you read this blog, you would see and understand where I am coming from. Yet, I just happen to choose this one profession where it would force me to give up and sacrifice almost everything I am passionate about. But I always tell myself that I could be such a great doctor, and that I would be able to find passion in that and it would all be worth it. But how can I know for sure that this is what I'll find when I have no idea as to what it really means to be a doctor?
So which one is it. If I decide to stray from this path, will I be applauded for my courage to finally free myself from the pressure, the enticing aspects of prestige, respect, and money. Or will I be seen as the coward that just simply gave up?
Plan B, marry a rich guy.
Monday, May 17, 2010
I saw this guy on Telegraph the other day standing at the corner asking for change. I really liked the way he dressed/looked, so I asked him if I could take a picture of him. He said I could if I gave him some change. I gave him one of the Suitcase Clinic info cards and $1, and he gave me this.
I thought this was very interesting...the way the two guys are sitting are basically mirror images of each other. Everything is so symmetrical.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Concluding the Berkeley Chapter
I took my last college final ever today. It was pretty unepic, a 1 hour "final" in Nutri Sci 10. I think finishing my MCAT was much more epic. Anyways, so I've been reflecting my past four years at Berkeley, and although there were many things I wish I had done, things that I wish I could change, overall I think I am very content with my college experience in Berkeley. I remember entering Berkeley as a narrow minded Freshmen who was unwilling to try anything new. Looking back, I was pretty pathetic. I think things really turned around when I got out of a long term relationship that simply just wasn't working, got a new set of roommates, met new people, and WABAM, everything changed. Now I can graduate and say that I definitely lived the college experience. Sure things got a little crazy, but I'm still alive, and my grades are not too shabby. What's crazy is not to live a little right? Seriously, we don't have a second chance to relive college, and college is where the majority of experiences take place, where there are trial and errors, ups and downs, successes and failures. If we didn't grasp that opportunity, we'll never get another chance.
Speaking about relationships...I don't know if being in a relationship in college is a good thing or bad thing. I'm still pretty torn about it. I know people who have been in one single relationship the majority of their college careers, for some, their entire college career. I feel like for many people, the way they lived college was pretty much dictated by their relationships. Sometimes when I have friends who get in a relationship, I'm happy for them, but at the same time, I'm a little sad as well. It just seems everyone becomes boring after they get into a relationship, and it seems like they age 20 years. Once people are in relationships, they prefer to sit at the corner of the room by themselves at a party, they prefer to staying in instead of hanging out with friends, they always get tired and leave early at events, and they are always together. Couples begin to be identified as couples rather than individuals. One person is always so and so's boyfriend or girlfriend. Sometimes it's as if they have separation anxiety if one is ever alone. If I ever get into a relationship and become one of those people, please, somebody grab me and smack some sense into me. But if I'm 27 and still single, someone smack some sense into me as well...lol. Seriously though, is it just me? Or does no one else notices this? Then again, who am I to look at other people's lives and judge based on how I would perceive them? How can I look at other people's lives through my perspective. Maybe for them, their college experience equals finding that one person they'll spend the rest of their lives with. Maybe they are perfectly happy, and they may look at my single life as sad, miserable, and pathetic. Well, what can I say, it is really none of my business. I guess sometimes I just want to be able to spend some time with my friends, without always feeling like the third wheel.
I definitely feel like I've grown a lot as a person at Berkeley. Lots of things await in the future, and I feel like I'm more prepared for it. So..this is the end huh? Yuppp
Speaking about relationships...I don't know if being in a relationship in college is a good thing or bad thing. I'm still pretty torn about it. I know people who have been in one single relationship the majority of their college careers, for some, their entire college career. I feel like for many people, the way they lived college was pretty much dictated by their relationships. Sometimes when I have friends who get in a relationship, I'm happy for them, but at the same time, I'm a little sad as well. It just seems everyone becomes boring after they get into a relationship, and it seems like they age 20 years. Once people are in relationships, they prefer to sit at the corner of the room by themselves at a party, they prefer to staying in instead of hanging out with friends, they always get tired and leave early at events, and they are always together. Couples begin to be identified as couples rather than individuals. One person is always so and so's boyfriend or girlfriend. Sometimes it's as if they have separation anxiety if one is ever alone. If I ever get into a relationship and become one of those people, please, somebody grab me and smack some sense into me. But if I'm 27 and still single, someone smack some sense into me as well...lol. Seriously though, is it just me? Or does no one else notices this? Then again, who am I to look at other people's lives and judge based on how I would perceive them? How can I look at other people's lives through my perspective. Maybe for them, their college experience equals finding that one person they'll spend the rest of their lives with. Maybe they are perfectly happy, and they may look at my single life as sad, miserable, and pathetic. Well, what can I say, it is really none of my business. I guess sometimes I just want to be able to spend some time with my friends, without always feeling like the third wheel.
I definitely feel like I've grown a lot as a person at Berkeley. Lots of things await in the future, and I feel like I'm more prepared for it. So..this is the end huh? Yuppp
Sunday, May 9, 2010
The Street
So I was just thinking of things I should do over the summer, and finally I decided to sign up for a urban photography class. I am actually pretty excited about it. For the past two years that I've been into photography, my main focus has been fashion and portraits...now that I think about it, they are all kind of superficial. I don't mean to make it sound bad, perhaps the term superficial is not the right word choice. I mean I absolutely LOVE fashion and portrait photography, and I will continue to do fashion and portrait photography, but I just think it is time to take things to another level and experiment with a new genre of photography. This whole urban/street feel is appealing to me a lot right now. The fact that it is so carefree and unrestricted, even blurry, over and under exposed pictures can be interesting! I'm excited. YEUH
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