Christmas

Christmas...Thanksgiving...holidays...I've gotten tired of them all. Tired and sick of celebrating days that really mean nothing. Days where we pretend to Americanize ourselves so that we can celebrate these American holidays. Days that only remind me of how my family tries way too hard to fit in. Days that only remind me of how my family is separated by the Pacific Ocean, and that through Skype is the only sense of connection that we ever get with our dad in China. It is these days where on our dinning table we have Costco premade roast beef and homemade chicken feet. It is these days where our formal dinning table gets used, and where my mom lights up these ridiculous chandelier candles trying to simulate "candlelight dinners," for just the three of us.... It is these days where we cook a turducken only to find it so dry that we have to dip it in homemade chinese spicy sauce in order to eat it...with chopsticks...It is these days that sometimes look pathetic, sometimes sad, sometimes happy, and sometimes quite funny.

Now that we have our own house, it seems as if we are one step closer to the all American family, or as close as we can be I guess. We now have a Christmas tree inside our house, and outside the house, we have flashing snowflakes and multicolored Christmas lights. Not to mention, we even have this ridiculous shiny gold metal angel statue thing....Who always gets decapitated whenever the wind blew too hard...talk about blasphemy...

I'm not trying to be bitter, aren't we all suppose to be jolly at this time of year? I guess all I'm saying is that I don't really care so much about these holidays and holiday traditions/rituals. My family isn't American, and we don't have to try so hard to be Americans. I don't really care. It just feels silly to try so hard to be someone we are not. I'm very happy to just simply be at home and hang out with my mom and sister, without all this holiday gibberish.

Then again, I guess I can't really complain and blame my mom. My mom is trying very hard to do all of this for my sister, to create this sense of family for her, however artificial it may be. To create a sense of normality, a sense of Americaness, a sense of ASSIMILATION. booyah. I think I'm done.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Project365

With the start of the new year, I really want to take on a photo project, a project that hopefully I can stick to. I love photography, but it is a time consuming hobby, and with my busy schedule it is difficult sometimes to make time for it. Project365 is basically where you make the goal to take at least one picture every single day of anything that you want. This project will also allow me to slow down and take more notice of the things around me. I want to tie in my interest in fashion, so I think I will focus on street wear and portraits. This means I get to carry my camera with me everyday! I'm excited!

Let's BARE it all

Wohoo!! The 6th issue of BARE magazine came out Thursday, and I made sure I got a copy of it!!! Here are some of the pictures from the coat photoshoot I did with them awhile back. Thanks to BARE stylists, production staff, models, and makeup artist.


Tweedy Bird: vintage tweed coat, Pretty Penny; Vintage patterned blouse; Black trousers, Pretty Penny; Ralph Lauren black oxford heels, Crossroads Trading Company.


In the Navy: vintage navy coat, Pretty Penny; plaid shirt, Pretty Penny; Pattern shorts, Sway; Envy yellow boots, Sway
All that Glitters Ain't Gold: Gold coat, Pretty Penny; Lush cutout shirt, Sway; black leggings, Urban Outfitters; Qupid platforms, Sway

Skywalker: Lilac futuristic coat, H&M



This picture didn't get printed, so I have no idea where the pieces are from.

Silence

There is a point where you just don't want to try anymore. A point that you come across where you just want to give up. A point where you are tired of screaming above everyone else trying to be heard. A point where you are tired of opening up to people who just come and go. A point where you look at the past, and realize how much of a waste it all was. A point where you are just tired of trying to put back the pieces that are not worth piecing together. A point where you accept reality and become okay with it. A point where you realize that no one is going to care, and you should therefore stop caring. A point where you are sick of this precarious walk where you are still trying to figure out where you stand, what your place is, and what your role is in your own life but also in other people's life. Is there any significance at all? This is the point where you shut that open book. This is the point where you become silent.

I can't wait to go home, where everything is all taken care of, where everything is so much more simple. Even if it is just for a little while.

Hello hello. It was another sunday for another photoshoot. The location was going to be the Berkeley Marina, but we missed the bus and got there kind of late. So we only had maybe 1 hr where there was actually enough light. This one guy was taking pictures of his kids, and he kept on yelling, "every second we waste, I am loosing precious light!!" I guess that pretty much sums up the shoot. lol
I had a lot of photos that I really liked, and I thought I would be able to fix the lighting later during post processing, but it really didn't work out. They were unworkable!!! I guess it's kind of hard to put details back into something that wasn't able to be captured in the first place. Ahhh, start early next time!!

Oh another thing, so I was going on to the BARE magazine website today, trying to find out when the next issue is going to come out, and then BAM the picture right on the front page of the website was MY PICTURE! hahaha, it was totally unexpected and kind of exciting!! Check it out!
http://www.baremagazine.org/index.html

China Fashion Week

There is no reason why China can't also be the fashion nation of the world. Maybe the world is just not ready for it. By looking at some of the designs from China's Fashion Week, it seems like the designers are more focused on the artistic and creative aspect of fashion rather than practicality and wearability. Now nothing wrong with that right? Seems like Chinese designers are very conceptual, and they are not afraid to go all out with their ideas, no matter how crazy it is...check it out!


Doesn't this look kinda wrong? lol....
Iono about this one...looks kinky.....Darth Vader?



This is actually quite beautiful

Yeah, sure some of these pieces are crazy, but I mean a fashion show is kinda like a moving art display. I think some of those sculptural pieces are pretty dope. That's just my opinion.

upgrade?

As I get more and more into photography, I feel like my camera is not giving me what I want out of each picture. It is not sharp enough, not fast enough, not vivid enough, etc. I feel like its dragging me and slowing me down. I started photography with a Sony alpha A200, my first DSLR, and it's my baby. It has served me well for a long time, but maybe it's time to start investing in a new camera, a higher end one. Man..photography is such an expensive hobby.

Canon EOS 5D Mark II or the equivalent Sony Alpha A900?
Everyone has a Canon, kind of makes me not want to jump on the bandwagon, and I feel like I'm kind of attached to Sony's now. Both are full frame cameras with over 20 MP. They would both literally run my computer to the ground.

Education and TFA, a critical perspective

So I was talking to this friend of mine today about Teach for America and the America's education system. I was so inspired by his ideas and our conversation that I feel like I MUST do a post on this. As I mentioned before, I applied for Teach for America, and I am currently in the application process. The reason why I applied is because I am so passionate about TFA's philosophy. I believe in their mission to bring quality education to every kid in this country, regardless of where they are from, where they live, and what their socioeconomic status is. The mission is to break the cycle of inequality and poverty.

I know people who were or are currently in TFA, some loved it, and some hated it. The people who hated it is mainly because of how the program is runned, a lot of administrative stuff, but also because the people who are in it. At first, I didn't really care so much about that. The administrative stuff, I don't care about, what I care about is TFA's philosophy, and that is all that matters. If I am in TFA, I would be out there teaching math or science to kids who needed it the most, and really giving them a chance at success in life. That is my vision, that is my only vision. And I've come to realize that vision is oh so shortsighted.

After my conversation with my friend, he helped me realize a lot of flaws within TFA. I think I was so enamoured with the program, that I never really thought about it critically. The problem is so obvious, now that he pointed it out to me! TFA recruits rigorously at some of the best universites in the U.S., Ivy Leagues, UC's. Any top school you name, TFA has probably been there giving their little speech before class. If you listen carefully to their messages though, you'll realize that they keep on saying how TFA corps members have gone on to become strong leaders in healthcare, legal work, administration, government, etc. Never do they say corps members continuing in education and becoming long term teachers. So implicity, TFA is endorsing the message that teaching itself is not a viable or impactful long term career, but it is important for future doctors, lawyers, or politicians to understand the issue of inequality that is so pervasive in every field and every profession. Now that I think about it, I guess TFA's marketing strategy is a smart one, though not necessarily the right one. It would be complete suicide to go to an Ivy League school and try to get their graduates to become teachers working at some 30K salary. You really think someone who graduated from Harvard is going to devote the rest of his or her life to teaching inner city kids when he or she can bank over 100K becoming a lawyer, doctor, or a politician? And so TFA's marketing strategy is to say, "look, we know you want to become a doctor, a lawyer, a politician, and we are going to help you achieve that, if you come and teach with TFA for 2 years. It'll look great on your resume. You'll get what you want to achieve, and we'll get what we want. It's a win-win situation." Now that looks a lot appealing to an Ivy League graduate doesn't it?

So now here is the thing. Is it really TFA's fault for doing this? Or is there something wrong with our society and how the society perceive teaching as a profession. Why is it that TFA has to resort to this type of marketing strategy?? It's a cycle. Most people who graduate from top schools do not even consider teaching as a profession. #1, the pay is shitty. #2, there is not a lot of respect for teachers out there. So bascially nobody who graduates from a top school want to go into teaching, and so the quality of teaching goes down, America's education system crumples, less and less people going and getting into top schools, top schools quality goes down, everything falls apart, and we reach madness and chaos. Apocalypse.

It is a visious cycle. Isn't education sooooo important? Education is fundamental to everything else. If it wasn't for education, we wouldn't be sitting here doing our homework and going to class. We wouldn't be dreaming these dreams of becoming somebody great. We wouldn't be where we are right now. Hell, we wouldn't even be having this conversation or any intellectual conversation as a matter of fact if we weren't educated. And so, do you see the importance of education? And how can we even tackle the issue of global poverty if we are not educated, and if the rest of the world isn't educated. Do you see? So what do we do in our situation? So what does TFA do? I feel like TFA has no choice but do what it does to get high quality teachers. They know no one is going to want to teach long term, so they get them to teach for 2 years and offer them something in return. This is not the right strategy, but with our society right now, it is how it is, and it is fuckin sad.

My friend offers an alternative. I think it is very interesting.
He says that TFA should take its massive marketing strategy and volunteer force and turn it towards positive marketing for teaching as a profession, and enhancing teacher pay for potentially entry level teachers. Add a 10K or so to their salaries, making teaching a more attractive choice. As with gaining prestige and respect, first of all, I think its kind of messed up that teachers have to FIGHT to gain respect and prestige, considering how important they are to the fundamental well being of an individual as well as the entire country. Anyways, thats besides the point. There are many ways to create prestige, we can attach titles, make programs, scholarships, whatever, something.

So yeah, I thought my conversation with my friend was very insightful and very inspiring. As much as I agree with his anti-TFA sentiment, I don't think it is going to change my mind in the end. I still want to join TFA. I know that at the end of the day, my goal and dream is to become a doctor, and yeah, maybe you'll say that I am simplying using TFA as a stepping stone and a resume builder, but my passion for teaching and working with those kids are real. My motives are real. I love to teach, but I also love the sciences, the human body, and life. Why can't I have it all? Here is the kicker. If you look up the definition of a doctor in the dictionary, it says teacher. hahah funny huh? I think I found my match no?

10 things I hate about pre-meds

1) person A took class X before person B. Person B asks person A for his/her old tests and notes, person A lies and says he/she doesn't have them anymore.

2) I was in the library one day studying for a midterm. I saw this girl next to me studying for the same midterm, but I saw she had a copy of a midterm from the previous year. I asked her where she got it, she wouldn't tell me.

3) Person A and person B finds the same research/job/whatever opportunity, person A tells person B that he/she is not going to apply, but then secretly applies.

4) Listing your some 50 work/volunteer/research experience on facebook, complete with project details about how you are saving the world one cancer cell at a time.

Okay, I lied, I can't find 10 things to write about. Well I guess it's a competitive world out there, and everyone is willing to do anything to get ahead. I just thought this was funny.

Lets skip step II and go to step III

So...I was waiting to hear back from Teach for America today, to see if I got invited to a phone interview. When I opened my e-mail, they said they wanted me to skip the phone interview and go straight ahead to the in person interview!! OHH SHITTT....Looks like this is for real now! I am actually very nervous when it comes to interviews. I feel like I am much more eloquent in writing than in speaking. I've been to so many interviews, and so many failures....Sometimes there are so many things I want to say in an interview, but then I always forget during the interview, and then I remember them afterwards. Let's hope that won't happen this time around.

Step I

I submitted my Teach for America application yesterday. It is the first phase of a long series of intensive selection process. I know that Teach for America is very selective, only about 17% of their applicants get accepted, and if somehow I fall short, it is okay, I just want to know that I tried my best. I really did put my heart into that personal letter, I just hope my passion and strong belief in their philosophy comes through in that 500 word essay. I hear back in a week with regards to whether I get a phone interview and advance to the next stage. Wish me luck!

Photoshoot

This past Sunday I went on a photoshoot with BARE magazine for their coats issue. I was so excited when I got assigned to do this shoot, but it really just wasn't what I expected at all. I think maybe I'm just not used to doing this type of work, photographing for someone else and helping them achieve their vision. For all the photoshoots I've done before, I had complete control over the pictures. I direct the models, I choose the locations, it's my vision, my photos. But this time, it wasn't my vision, they are not my photos. It is someone else's vision, someone else's photo that I needed to produce. I felt like I had no say in the composition or style, and therefore completely lost my perspective as a photographer. I realize that it is not my magazine that I am shooting for, and they have a specific look that they want, and so I put my pride aside and was thus completely trampled over. The production team was not only directing the models, but they were also directing me. I was told how to compose the photo, what angles to shoot from, what the background is. It just felt really strange. I wasn't used to it at all. Even now that I look through all the photos I took, I don't really feel that sense of accomplishment with them. I mean there are a few good photos that I would definitely like to keep, but they just doesn't feel like my own. I felt like I didn't have as much input as I would like to have or normally would have. Also during the shoot, I wasn't really given the chance to interact with the models. The production team was talking to the models and directing them, and I was kind of left out there on the side just clicking away on my camera. Before, I always interact with my models. It just makes everything a lot more natural and fun. I really believe that subject and photographer interaction is very important.

Well anyways, it was definitely an interesting experience. I think I learned a lot from it, and it actually made me realize how much these little processes in photography mean to me, how much I actually value my own creativity and control as well as interaction with the subject being photographed.

I think you are pathetic

Coats Shoot

I've been photographing for fun for quite awhile now, and I really wanted to get into some serious fashion photography, but just never really had the chance to. I applied to be a photographer for BARE magazine last year, UC Berkeley's first fashion magazine, but they never contacted me for any shoots. I was just getting into photography when I applied, and I didn't really have that many great samples to show. So last Sunday, I decided to take the initiative to go to BARE magazine and apply once again to be their photographer, this time, I brought 10 samples of what I think is the best of my work so far. Then yesterday, they contacted me to do their upcoming coats shoot. WOO!! I love coats! So excited!! and a little nervous!! I went to their production meeting today to go over the schedule, shooting location, theme, meet the models etc. This will probably be the most formal shoot I've ever done. There will be a makeup artist to do the model's hair and makeup, and the clothes will be from local vintage stores and boutiques. I just hope that the clothes, location, and models are inspiring, so that I can really perform on this shoot. I am nevervous, since I am no where a professional photographer, but this is my chance! This could be my first step into the world of fashion photography! The shoot is on Sunday, and I am already looking around for techniques, tips, and inspirations.
Here are some photos I found that will be my source of inspiration. I really hope that my photography equipments won't limit me on Sunday.

Life Crisis

As I realize that I will have my last Telebears ever next week, I am starting to have a life crisis. My life crisis also consists of a pre-med crisis that keeps on happening over again and again depending on what is going on in my life and my progress on the pre-med track, which by the way, I haven't really made much progress, sadly speaking. As of this moment, lots of thoughts have gone through my head, lots of worries, lots of confusion, and lots of insecurities. What am I going to do after I graduate? What are my chances of getting into medical school and actually becoming a doctor? Just thinking about these things are freaking me out and making me shit in my pants a little. Right now, I feel like I am trying to comfort myself by coming up with various plans as to what I can do in my 1 yr or 2 yrs off. Yet the plans somehow don't feel right, it seems like it is just a lot of plan B's for that one plan A.

Ever since my MCAT score was released, my parents said that it might be a good idea for me to start thinking about alternatives. But the truth is, there is nothing else that I rather do. Maybe at this moment, I don't know the answer to why I want to be a doctor, but I feel like there have been so many forces and events in my life that have changed me, shaped me, and motivated me towards this goal. I can't yet sum up the reason in a succinct essay, but hopefully soon I will. So no, I am not going to have a plan B.

I know my work ethics. There are times that I really don't care, but then there are those times that I care so fuckin much. I don't cry over B's anymore, that's because I've gotten use to it, I've accepted it, I've gotten over it. I don't get a second chance with my grades, so I am just going to do my best this semester and the next. I get a second chance with my MCAT, and I am damn well going to make the best out of it. I know my weaknesses, I know what I need to work on, I know what I can improve, and so yes I am going to work my ass off for it. Whatever it takes. However long it takes. Hopefully I will get to where I want to be eventually.

We all know shit happens right? But it can't happen all the time right?

Old

Does it ever get old? Does it ever hit you that it is just the same thing over and over again and again? This shit just never ends. At this age, should we already be getting sick of life? When is it that the once exciting becomes the boring. I was looking for change, I found it, and then slowly it became just another one of those things that I check off on my To Do list. What do we do when we reach the bottom of that list?

I hit 21, it was an epic moment, for just a moment, a fleeting single moment. It seemed so significant, yet so insignificant. It was so hyped up, and thus so disappointing. Will I always be out looking for the new and the exciting? When will I be okay with living my life like an algorithm that never alters or wavers. I just don't want to hit that stage yet. What do you do when there is nothing more to look forward to? Maybe I shouldn't be running all the time. Maybe, just maybe, I should slow down and walk for once.

How can you stand and tolerate this monotoneity. Why do I say that I feel sorry for you, and that I will never become like you. But maybe, I'm really sorry for myself. You are the one that is happy with your boring life isn't it?

So I am going to try again, to prove you wrong.

I am a girl

Once again, I got into a huge debate with my parents over the phone. I won't bore you with the details of the debate, because once again, it is regarding my decision to apply to Teach For America. I don't even know why they are getting all worked up on it, I have to wait til they accept me first. I really hope they do accept me. *crosses fingers*

Anyways, so the biggest thing that jumped out at me was something my mom said. She said, "Lisha, I don't know why you are making your life so hard. Why do you want to go on such a grueling path of becoming a doctor. It is really hard being a girl. You are trying to accomplish all these things, yet you still have to think about raising and taking care of a family." Then she went on saying that it would've been the best if I just find some easy and stable job and just settle down. I was very perplexed by her statement because all throughout my 20 years of life, my parents have done nothing but pushed me to succeed. They pushed me towards the sciences, pushed me to work hard so that I can go to a good college and therefore find a good job. They would never accept me getting anything less than a MD or PhD. They wanted me to become a lawyer, a doctor, or a professor. Yet going through all these years of schooling and pursuing one of those professions are not what I would call EASY.

So why did my parents do it? Why did they push me so hard when they believe that I should just settle for something easy and focus on doing "womanly" things. I decided to ask my mom, and guess what she said. She went, "well, you should get a good education so that you can get a good educated husband."
LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. WOWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
I was speechless. I could not believe that just came out of my mom. What century is she stuck in? So I guess according to her logic, I worked really hard in high school to get to UC Berkeley just so I can find myself some intelligent Asian Berkeley guy, or better yet, I should go to med school just so I can find myself some hot shot doctor. MMM..HAWT. I guess that was basically suppose to be my goal in life..........

I am always surprised to hear such old fashioned idealologies coming from my parents because the truth is, they are REALLY young, and I mean REALLY young. Compared to all my peer's parents, my parents are like still in their golden years. They got married when they were like 20 and had me when they were like 22. I'm just so surprised that their mentality is still so old fashioned, conservative, and traditional beyond belief.

My mom even used herself as an example. She said that she wanted to be a nurse, and even started taking nursing classes. However she decided on pursuing accounting because it was an easy and stable job, and she gets to spend time with her family. Okay, fair enough, that is what she wanted, and thus it suits her. For me, it is just seriously not feasible. I cannot imagine myself just sitting at home and be a house wife. Like oh em gee, I'll be the worst house wife ever, like seriously, I can't cook shit....but anyways, thats beside the point. Just because I am a girl doesn't mean I should be stuck in this one mold that society has created. And as the society changes, this mold for girls is constantly being changed. We see women nowadays in places in society that was never seen a couple of centuries ago. We see women having the knowledge and power that they can never even dream about before. Time has changed. Too bad that my mom can't change with it. But I can't be stuck in time like her.

I respect women who do want to fulfuill the traditional role of a mother, nurturer, and caretaker. Nothing wrong with that. If that is something they want, then hey by all means. Whatever floats your boat right? And just because a woman has a hard core job doesn't mean she can't also fulfill her role in the family just as well. I guess what I am trying to say is, if there IS something else that I want to do in life, me being a girl should not stop me from pursuing it. And yeah, I agree with my mom, it probably will be very hard, especially for a girl who has to have double duty, but who said life is always easy right? It is a challenge millions of women have taken and are willing to take, and it is a challenge that I am willing to take.

Another thing that popped up in my head is that at my math tutor training, all the math and science tutors were women. It wasn't on purpose, it is not like the supervisor only hired women. I just found that to be inspirational. Us women taking on the math and sciences. Way to represent right? I think it is wonderful. Not only are we helping students in the math and sciences, but we are also breaking down the stereotype that females are only good in the humanities and that males dominate in the math and sciences. I really do hope that we are a source of inspiration to these students.

oh yah, my mom also worries that if I do Teach for America, I won't be able to find myself an intelligent man.....LULZZZZZZZZZZ because apparently people who do Teach for America are not intelligent??? O.o?

Injustice?

I think sometimes we don't realize how lucky we are to be students at Berkeley. We really do take it for granted. Yet just two blocks away from campus, at the Berkeley High School, there are hundreds of kids who probably will never have a shot at attending a school like UC Berkeley, or any other four year college as a matter of fact. Where is the justice in that? This is what I witness every single day ever since I started working at the High School as a math and science tutor. I love working with these students, but it is just so depressing sometimes. It is devastating to me that the future of these kids lie who knows where. I try to be as optimistic as I can when I am working with them, but the sad reality is, I know that they future is bleak.

What good can I really do? How much does my help really benefit them? Will my 2.5 hrs of tutoring every day turn their life around? I am always working with juniors and seniors who still have trouble solving a simple algebraic equation, who still don't know how to add and subtract negative numbers. As we go through the problems, I lead them step by step, I hold their hands, I guide them through so that we can eventually reach a solution. I put on a big ass smile, telling them good job, but deep down inside, I have this feeling that they won't be able to solve a similar problem on their own on a test. How do I teach someone how to graph a line when they don't know how to rewrite the equation into slope intercept form, when they don't know how to solve an equation, when they don't know how to deal with negative numbers, when they still have to use the calculator to just do 8+3? The problem stems back to the roots, before high school, before middle school, and even before elementary school. And why is it that these students are African Americans?

I've also worked with other kids who have an idea of how to do a problem. All they needed was maybe for me to lead them on the right track when they stray away. They can complete similar problems on their own, and I know that they are on the path to a great start. They dream of going to a UC, and I know for a fact that their dreams are within reach. Why is it that these kids are White?

At the end of each session, the students are always so grateful for my help. They even say that I teach better than their teachers, and that they will start to come everyday to my tutoring sessions. Hearing that makes me feel good, it makes me happy, but this is not about my ego. I am not there to help them so that I can feel good about myself, it is not about me, it is about them. I am glad that they think I am helpful, but how much difference can I really make just as a tutor? What does it say about the teachers at Berkeley High when the kids are saying that I teach better than someone with a teaching credential? The kids complain that their teachers don't teach them anything, just tell them to read the book and do the homework. Hmm...that sounds like college. BUT the difference is, these kids haven't established the self discipline needed to study and work on their own. This is not college where everyone is fully aware of the consequences of not working. Apparently the teachers also don't check homework for accuracy, so the students BS their homework all the time. Sure it's saving the teachers from having to read hundreds of homework every night, but aren't the teachers here for the students? What is wrong with this picture? How about hire a reader? Shitt, I'll work as a homework grader. How about just randomly pick 3 or 4 problems to check for accuracy so that the student will try their best on every single problem?

I think a major thing for these kids is that they have very little self confidence or motivation. But it must be so hard to have those things when there is barely any support figure in their lives. One student tells me that his teacher talks to him as if he's retarded. Like WTF? That is just so messed up. This is one of the reasons for their low self confidence. I think adults have already emphasized the importance of going to college to these kids, but the problem is, these kids don't know how to succeed or don't have the resources to help them succeed in their classes. Some of them have so much else going on in their life, stuff with family, friends, relationships, etc that it is just so hard to focus on school.

These kids realize and understand their situation because they express concerns about their future. They are worried, scared, feeling helpless, and some are quite emotional about it. There was one girl who is a senior at the high school. She is about to graduate, and she has no idea what to do. She wants to go to a UC, but she knows she has zero chance. Just listening to her makes me think about my own situation. As a senior at UC Berkeley, I am currently scared shitless regarding what I am going to do after I graduate. I fucked up my MCAT, I fucked up my GPA, I don't know what I am going to do with my life, but at least I am graduating with a B.A degree in MCB from Berkeley. This is how scared and worried I am right now, I just can't fathom how some of these kids are feeling. They are going to graduate from Berkeley High with no idea of what they are going to do, and barely any chance at going to college. I don't know what to say. It is the sad reality.

Man, I've always known and was aware about this inequality in education. I've always witnessed it, but I feel like it all just hit me SO HARD all of a sudden. I think a lot of people are aware of the inequality in education, but there simply isn't enough being done to fix this. The truth is, money and prestige does not come with becoming a teacher, especially becoming a teacher at high risk communities like the ones in the Bay Area. There is currently very little incentives for becoming a teacher. Sure people always say that they want to pursue a career so they can help people, but why do people always end up choosing to become a doctor? Or a lawyer? Or a professor? Sure these professions help others, but the difference between that and a teacher is the big cash stash and the prestige that comes with the package. Yet, do you ever question who you are REALLY helping as a doctor? or a lawyer? or a professor? As a doctor, you are helping people who can pay for your service. As a lawyer, you are helping people who can pay for your legal advice. As a professor, you are helping people who can afford and get into college. You are doing no other but contributing to this inequality. If there is no prestige or money associated with these professions, would you still do it? Of course there are many doctors and lawyers and professors who are out there to work with the underprivileged and underserved, but I'm just speaking generally.

This is the reason I love to teach. This is why I love to associate and interact with people that are ignored, shunned, and stigmitized by the rest of society. This is the reason why I thought about pursuing a career in teaching and to work for Teach For America. Yet my parents view that as a bad goal for me, that I will get killed teaching at high risk communities, that it will be a lost cause. It is mentalities like those of my parents that are the creator of this inequality and its persistence. Why not break down these social stereotypes?

I love what I do, and I am so fulfilled by every single second of it. Yet I am so torn between a teaching career and a career in medicine. Do they really have to be mutually exclusive? Is it possible to do both? If I choose to become a doctor, am I contradicting my own philosophy of combating inequality? Will I become a contributor of it? What will I choose in the end? Does money and prestige really matter that much? Does it really matter to me? Or does it only matter to my parents and the rest of the people that are in my life? But am I living my life for them? Or for me?

The question is, can I turn these kids' lives around? The answer is, I sure hope so.

Home

I went back to home this weekend, a home that I've never seen, a home that I do not know anything about, a home that is in a town I've never spent a single second in, but nevertheless it is a place that I call home, and a place that my parents will call home for probably the rest of their lives. After over 10 years of being in the United States and building an entire life from scratch, my parents finally managed to save up enough money to actually buy a house. We moved out of Davis, a town that despite having spent the last five years in, we no longer have any associations with. My dad no longer works in UC Davis, I no longer go to Davis Senior High School, and my sister no longer goes to Willett Elementary School. My family has moved around a lot, from various places in China, to Georgia, to Delaware, and finally to California. Each time we go from one place to another, we go from one apartment to another. I got kind of used to this mobile lifestyle, but this time, it was really different. It was no longer just another part of our life on the move, it was rather a start of a more permanent and sedentary lifestyle. A lifestyle that I find new and strange. This time, it is not just a temporary settlement going from apartment to apartment, but into a house that they own, not rent, but actually own. This time, we no longer have to keep the majority of our stuff in suitcases just waiting for the next time we are on the move again.

I was excited to see the house. I decided to look on Google maps to see what it looked like before seeing it in person. It definitely is not a mansion, but it is also not tiny, it looks just the right size. It looks even better in person. It is a lovely house in a beautiful neighborhood in Elk Grove. The community is gorgeous, it has a lake, huge grassy parks, and from the looks of the houses in the neighborhood, it is definitely middle to upper middle class. Once again, quite a strange concept, to be part of a middle class neighborhood.

It was quite an interesting experience walking into the house and checking it out. All the houses that I've been to before are always other people's houses, and I always remember admiring those houses and wishing that I lived in them. But this time, instead of wishing that I lived in the house, I actually DO live in it. Well, not really, since I'm in Berkeley, but you get what I mean. I probably sound ridiculous right now, but the truth is, I've NEVER lived in a house the entire twenty years of my life, and I just can't get over how exciting it is. This past weekend, I experienced things that the majority of people have probably experienced ever since they were born, things that people probably never notice and take for granted. It was oh so sweet.

-Like omgg, a double door refrigerator that actually dispenses ice AND water!!!!
-Having a brand new set of furniture that actually matches
-Having a queen size bed in my bedroom. Even though the bed pretty much takes up all the space in the room
-having a ginormous backyard
-actually have grass to mow and bushes to trim
-having a garage
-since the house is so much bigger than what I am used to, it is so much work just walking up and down the stairs to get to the kitchen for water or food
-washing machine and dryer inside the house without having to use coins!
-having a dinning room AND a formal dinning room. Two dinning rooms you say? whoa!?!
-we can actually invite friends over to our house and not feel embarassed.
And the list goes on...

Even though I know I won't really live in the house much and therefore not really be able to enjoy the perks of living in a house, but I'm just really really happy for my parents. I think they really deserve it, and I am very happy for them. Obtaining this house is a symbol of the years of hard work that has gone into it, of our life in America, and potentially a permanent place that actually looks and feels like a HOME.

Just contemplating on my life with regards to how much I didn't have before and how much that I do have now, it is oh so bitter sweet...

Failure

Last night I had a dream about my MCAT score. I logged onto the MCAT website, and for some crazy reason, instead of just having my score on the site, it was a 50 page PDF file that I had to download. I kept on scrolling through each page, and each page was more confusing than the previous. There were numbers and graphs everywhere, and it was impossible to decipher what my score was. All I remember is getting a fuckin 6 on verbal. It was a nightmare, a crazy nightmare that I wished it would never see the light of day, yet...it did. It crawled out from the dark covers and showed its ugly face.

I was counting down the days and hours til my MCAT score would be released. On the website, it said the score would come out at 2pm, and so I rushed to the library at 3:30 to check my score. My heart was literally pounding when I got on the computer, I was that nervous. I was hoping that I would see this amazing score and jump up and down in joy and run around like a crazy lunatic. But when I logged in, it said, "no scores available yet." DAMN, even more suspense. I decided to go to the gym to occupy myself.

At 7:30, I come back home and check my score. I did not jump for joy, I did not break down and cry. I just stared at it for 10 minutes, registering this hideous score of mine. It was a nightmare that came true. It is bad. It is really bad. I scored the same as I did before I started doing the practice tests. Just thinking of the hard work I put in during the summer, the countless hours, the sleepless nights, it all makes me want to cry a little. The thought of going through this again for the next 6 months is depressing, demoralizing, and utterly crushing.

I don't know what to do right now. I feel like everything just went up in flames. My dreams, my aspirations, this picture that I had in my mind of what I will accomplish in the future, all of that just came crushing down. I've never worked so hard for something and yet still fall so short. I always thought that I was hardcore, always thought that I will do whatever it takes to get to where I want to be, yet at the moment, I feel so weak, vulnerable, helpless, and mostly, very insecure. This is just the beginning, and I am already burnt out....


it is like hell all over again......

Nervous

I am now officially a senior. Oh. My. God. I can't believe it. It felt like it was just yesterday when I first moved into the double in Griffiths Hall at Unit 2 and going up and down the floor meeting everyone. Now that I am a senior, I feel like the pressure is on. It is my last year to pull up my GPA, my last year to get close to some faculty members here at Berkeley, my last chance to get clinical experience, my last chance to fuckin prove myself. I think after this summer, and after putting all this time and effort, I've decided that I REALLY want to go to medical school. Now that I am finally set on this path, I feel like I need to sell my soul in order to get there. It doesn't matter what I like and don't like, I just have to do whatever that it takes to get there. It sucks, it really does. Why does it have to be so hard? I am so nervous and scared. I am worried that in the end all my effort is worth nothing...

Stuck

My friend and I were stranded in Mexico City airport for 12 hrs on our way back to the United States from Guatemala. Apparently I had no idea the lay over was 12 hrs long when I booked the flight, stupid me. The chairs at the airport were so awkwardly placed it was almost impossible to sleep. I took a nap with the chair arms stabbing into my chest and me curled up in a fetal position. The currency exchange place was closed, so we had no pesos to buy food, we were running out of water, and there was no water fountain. I was so relieved when I was able to connect to this ghetto ass internet at the airport, it was definitely making the entire ordeal a lot more bearable, despite the fact that the signal was extremely low and the speed was at a turtle crawling speed and it disconnected practically every 10 mins. Just when we thought things couldn't get any worse, the airport security guard came and kicked us out. Apparently we are not allowed in the waiting area at the gates between 1am and 4am. My friend and I were stranded with no place to go, no money for anything, it was pretty tragic. We wandered around the airport trying to figure out where we were suppose to go, but nobody spoke English, and my friend's Spanish was meager at best. Finally we decided to just sit on the ground by the baggage claim are like two hobos. My friend's water bottle was empty, and mine was almost empty, it was like we were in the freakin desert. He pulled out a bag of potato chips from his bag, looked at it longingly, and then put it back in his bag. Eating the chips would satiate our hunger for a little while, but it would hasten our dying thirst. What a dilemma. Somehow I found everything to be extremely hilarious, and I just sat there and laughed hysterically while my friend was having a little life crisis and looking totally defeated. The situation was pretty tragic and sad. After walking around the airport for around an hr, we finally found where we were suppose to be waiting for our connecting flight. Actual flight time took only 7 hrs, but with the lay over, it took us around 20 hrs to get back to the states. Krzy shit.

I will blog about Guatemala soon. So many things has happened, I feel like I have a lot to say, but I feel like I need time to collect my thoughts to make sense and meaning out of this experience.

Things I am glad to have back:
internet
hot showers
able to sit on the toilet without having to cover it in toilet paper first
drinking tap water
having ice in my drinks
getting seconds for meals
nice soft bed
clean clothes

Judgement Day

On Thursday, I will be taking the most important test of my life. I've invested my entire summer in preparing for this test, and at this point, I still feel uneasy. This journey has been so unusual. I've never felt so stupid or incompetent in my life, but there were definitely a few points in time where I felt like I was finally getting it. Even if I had all the time in the world, I don't think I can ever be fully ready for the test or be done with studying for the test, so I just have to go in there and do the best that I can.

I know that if all fails, I can take the test again in January, but I don't want to focus on that and therefore causing me to slack off. But I guess I do find some comfort in the idea, so that I don't put too much pressure on myself. I don't work too well under pressure.

At the back of my MCAT books, it says "if you study it, it will come!" I studied it, so please come, come to meeeeee!!!

12 10 12
Let me be wonderfully surprised.

Dating, Engagement, Marriage Oh My!

I just found out yesterday that my roommate for the past 2 yrs got engaged!! She's been dating the guy for three years, so I kind of expected them to take their relationship to the next level, but I guess I never expected it to be this soon. They seem to be very happy with their relationship, so props to them for wanting and willing to take that next big step. Congratulations.

With all of this, it warrants a philosophical discussion. When I first learned about her engagement, instantly, I felt sooo old, shitt dood, she's younger than me and just got engaged, and I'm sitting here 20 and still single. It kind of made me feel frantic for a second, and then after a few seconds, it's like oh thank God, I am 20 and still single!! phew. Everyone go through these things at different speeds, and I guess I just really want to take my time and need my own space. It makes me realize and appreciate how much there is still ahead of me, how much more that I can still look forward to. It is kind of exciting. My journey has just started, and there is still so much to go, still so much to explore.

Personally, even if I did have a boyfriend that I've been dating for 3 yrs, getting engaged and getting married in a few years is just totally not feasible for me. It is just too romance movie/novel ish, and it simply doesn't appeal to me. I guess its like omgg, so cuteee awwwww, marrying your college sweetheart or whatever, but I'm really not a sucker for those kinds of things. At the end of the day, it simply isn't something that I am seeing in the near future. Maybe in like 10 years. I don't think I have even matured enough to handle something as important as an engagement/marriage at this point in my life. I still have so much to learn about myself and still much to work on. Also, there is a part of me that simply isn't ready to give up my freedom just yet to settle for something long term. There is a part of me that doesn't want to grow up just yet. Oh the sweetness of youth and freedom.

So with all of this, I've concluded that I am fine with the way I am. Really.

Here it is to the rest of my journey and yours. Cheers.

I am on a total emotional and physical overload.
I am so upset my blood is boiling. With everything piling up, I feel like just breaking down and shutting down.
It's so hard to push forward on your own when you have nobody backing you up.

Overload

-Only 2 more weeks. I am nervous, scared, obsessed.
-I am sleep deprived. I am running on 2 bottles of 5 hr energy shots per day. 8333% of vitamin B12 and 2000% of vitamin B6 and caffeine gives you radioactive green pee. I don't know how much time I'm actually saving by having to run to the bathroom every 20 minutes.
-I just want to focus on my MCAT but I can't. I have so much shit I need to take care of before I leave for Guatemala.
-need to haul ass to SF because the Guatemala consulate people don't pick up the phone. Need to apply for visa. Need to get all my vaccinations. Need to buy travel insurance. Need to get documents in by the end of this week. Need to buy supplies for Guatemala. Need to pack for Guatemala.
-need to do practice problems until I am blue in the face
-NEED TO KEEP MY SANITY

Fashion

So I am having this new found obsession with fashion, yeah yeah, I know I'm not that stylish or whatever, but I really appreciate fashion now as a form of art. I understand the fact that fashion is a business, and designers need to make clothes that people would want to wear and therefore the clothes must be saleable, it must make money! But the fact that money plays such an important role in fashion in a way degrades fashion as a form of art. I've been watching The Fashion Show, basically a copy of Project Runway, and there is one contestant on the show that I think is phenomenal. His designs are very conceptual, they are very three dimensional, very architectural, but his designs are not always appreciated by the judges because they are too conceptual, too complicated to understand, too nonconventional, too abstract. I just think it's such a shame that one's artistic vision has to be restrained and controlled by the standards of the fashion industry. Just because you wouldn't wear it doesn't mean its not good art, just because you wouldn't put a certain painting in your house doesn't mean it's not a good painting. Kinda sucks, just another way how money infiltrates the minds of people and everything in this society.

Here are some of his pieces from his final collection. His theme was indigenous people wearing western clothing. Very very interesting. Not very wearable, but I have so much appreciation for it.



The more "wearable" pieces

<---I REALLY like this one




Okay, that is all. Backt to MCAT

Crazy night

I went to see Death Cab for Cutie last night, one of my favorite bands of all times, yet it was probably one of the worst concert experience I've ever had. I smoked weed for the first time a couple of months ago, and surprisingly I really liked the experience. I was with a friend I could trust, we were both just chillin at his apartment, and we were just done with finals. It was such a relaxing time, what can I say, it was pretty awesome. Last night, the second time, that was really something else.....

I smoked before the concert, and during the concert, I smoked out of a joint that was being passed around from a stranger.... That was probably not a smart thing to do. It was probably just way too much weed in one day.

My head was spinning the entire time. Whatever I said made no sense. I had trouble formulating my thoughts and my sentences. Whatever other people said made no sense. I had the attention span of an ant. I couldn't understand anything, and so I stopped talking. My mouth started getting really dry, and my saliva was foamy and disgusting. I was surrounded by strangers at the concert, and I started to feel very paranoid. I thought I was going to pass out from dehydration, and having to stand for three hours, I thought I was going to fall over, no one would be there to catch me, and crack open my skull. When Death Cab finally came on, I could not focus on the performance. The entire time my eyes were fixated on the little sign outside that said "first aid station." All I thought about was the first aid station and picturing myself lying on one of those skinny white clinic beds with 1000 bottles of Gatorade, oh how much I wanted that fuckin Gatorade. I saw this guy in front of me drinking this cold bottle of water. I knew it was cold because it was foggy from the condensation. I just watched him...drinking that water one sip at a time. I counted how many bottles he drank. He drank TWO bottles. In my head, I thought maybe I could ask him if I could have some water, but I didn't, I just watched him, one sip at a time. By that time, my throat was parched. I thought about leaving to get water, but I knew if I left, I wouldn't be able to make it back inside. I couldn't stand my thrist anymore, so I asked the guy who passed me the joint if he had any water, and oh my god he did. I took a sip of the water, and before I swallowed it, for a second I freaked out because I thought it was vodka, but fortunately, it wasn't. It was actually water. That couple of gulps of water saved me for maybe...10 seconds, and then I was thirsty again. DAMN

The high also made the music very very intense. In a good way and in a bad way. I dont know. The lighting felt so freaking insane. Death Cab had this crazy back drop where they had those weird lighting swirls and squiggles moving around flashing, and I seriously thought I was going to get blinded by all of that and have a seizure. The sound was also very intense. It literally made my ears throb.

I don't know, it was all just so amazing, and so crazy, yet so shitty. I don't know. I felt so shitty after the show I can't even describe it. It was a mix of insecurity, self-consciousness, awkwardness, weirdness, paranoia, annoyance, and all sorts of other negative feelings. It really made me feel like crap. I've never felt so bad in my life. I am still trying to get over this massive headache that I woke up with.

This is so not like me. What the hell happened? I feel so stupid.

Art

So my parents came to Berkeley today to visit me as well as drop off some food. During lunch, I basically had a big discussion with my parents regarding how much influence parents should on a child in terms of developing their interest in certain areas. I've always wondered what field I would go into if my parents never really pushed me towards the sciences when I was little. Right now, I'm at Berkeley majoring in biology and trying to get into med school. How much of that is by choice? How much of that is by brutal force? How much of that is "oh fuck it, I've gone too far already I might just as well stick with it."I don't really know...

All throughout my life, I've always LOVED the fine arts, and I mean LOVEEEEE. I definitely liked the sciences, but it was genuinely a different feeling with the arts. It was perhaps more passionate, more intense, more satisfying. I've literally spent hours just sitting in one spot drawing or painting nonstop, and I absolutely enjoyed every single minute of it. Listening to music while doing it, I mean it was total bliss.

I've been developing my interest in photography, and it brings me so much excitement I can't even describe. Whenever I see photos done by well known professional photographers, I literally get chills running through my body. It is that intense. I don't think I've ever felt that way with anything else. I particularly like fashion photography, and so I started looking into fashion design and construction, and MY GOD, its like a whole new door that just popped up and I want to dive through, but I can't. I've been watching videos of fashion shows, and *drool*.

During the years that I did pursue art on the side, I've had a few pieces in art shows, won a couple of awards, got into this art program thingy ma bob, I mean yeah, it was high school, really low key stuff, but I mean it was something that I was proud of, but my parents never really cared much for.

I don't think I am talented in the arts, but I just feel like if I actually received some quality education in it, I might actually become good at it? I don't know, but I really do want to find out.

I know I will have to take at least a year off after graduation before I can go to med school, so I told my mom that it would be kind of neat for me to go to an art school and maybe pursue an associative degree in some type of art. My mom's reply was, "OH MY GOD Lisha, why do you want to do that?" eeeeeyeaaa.....then I tell her, oh how about a master's degree in education, she goes, "OH MY GOD, why do you want to do that? If you wanted to do those things, why you go to Berkeley for then?" hmm.........

I think part of my mom's fear is that if I went and pursued those things, I might like it so much that I would actually want to pursue it as a career. That is her worst fear. For my parents, they've struggled so much in their younger years, went through so much hardship in their lives that they have gotten use to the mentality that unless I'm at a 200k job, I won't be happy and that I would always be struggling financially. I simply just don't agree with that. Their mentality is kind of like that of a starving child who would stuff their face when they see food because they are always living in the fear that they might not get a next time. I just don't think that's a realistic mentality anymore. It is also that Asian mentality where math+science basically owns everything else.

At Berkeley, I see so many Asians either being pre-meds or pre-business. Like goodness gracious, can I get some fresh air here. Why are all these damn Asians alike. lol. Why are there almost no Asians in the arts and humanities? Why?? What is wrong with the arts and humanities? For all you pre-meds and pre-business people out there, why are you doing what you are doing? Is it because you are stuck, like me, in this unrelenting cycle to please our stubborn Asian parents?

I have SO MUCH respect for the very few people that I do know who are purusing in the arts and humanities. I admire them for doing something that I have not been able to do, and perhaps will never be able to do. To defy my parents, to defy myself, to defy this Asian tradition or whaver you want to call it.

I'm not saying I'm unhappy at where I am in life. I'm not saying that I hate what I do. Hell, I don't even know what happiness is anymore, but I just can't really put a word to describe what I feel right now. It is not hate, it is not love. I don't know what it is. To really justify my choice in the sciences and a career in medicine, I've been trying to tie this bullshit connection between art and science, art and medicine for years, is there even such a connection? Hahaha, yet another question posed that has no answer.

My Choice My Burden

For a temporary moment, I found refugee. I found happiness and excitement, even if it was just a tiny glimpse, the most impalpable drop that left with the slightest tingle on my lips before it escaped. It was what kept me sane. It gave me something to look forward to every single day. It brought me out of this internal struggle that I've had for so long, and now I finally feel free, no longer held back or pulled down. I looked for you.

I looked for me. I find myself to always end up in the same situation. My life feels like a broken record sometimes that keeps on playing the same thing again and again. For once I thought maybe I'll play a better song. For once, it was a better a song, and like a song, it has an ending. Too bad that I can't put it on repeat.

My naivety, my stupidity, my personality, my character, my burden. They have become an inevitable part of me that I can not let go of. It is a burden because it is heavy, filled with years of personal experiences that I can't help but look back at once in awhile. It is heavy, it weighs me down, but I think I kind of like it. I rather carry it than to be empty handed.

And so with me, I carry your dreams and aspirations, I carry my false hopes, I carry my burden.

Dot Dot Dot

Hypocrisy...
Say whatever you want about what you don't like in other people. To me, you are just like them. We are all hypocrites to some extent.

Facade...
Inevitable sense of insecurity that is trying to be covered up by a false sense of security. Who do you rather be?

Game...
Why does it have to be a game? Or does it even need to be a game? Why do we describe certain people as having game and others as having no game. Who came up with this shit? Some people know how to play this game so well; they know exactly what to say and what to do to get what they want. Do I have to play this game?

Scatterbrain

-August 6th is approaching soon. I took a in class diagnostic test today and i scored a 50% in verbal. I did not have time to do 2 of the passages, so I randomly guessed. FUCKKK
-From now on, I need to eat faster, sleep less, talk faster, go to the bathroom faster, take faster showers, walk faster, exercise faster, just fuckin do everything at 2x speed. Once July hits, its MCAT everytime all the time.
-I need to step up my game a notch.
-omgomgomgomg I am so excited about all the shows coming up. Wilco, Deathcab for Cutie, and Tortoise. WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!! I can drool from all this excitement. *does little dance*
-A friend told me today that he was watching porn and saw a girl that looked like me. He made such connection and felt weird. ROFFLEWAFFLE

-We always say that we can't change other people, and that we can only change ourselves, but it is so hard to do that sometimes. We are so use to the way we do things, how we always think that we are right, that we know what is best for us. I feel like I have been given so many second chances in life to do things right the second time, yet somehow I still screw it up. I really need to make a conscious effort to change my attitude, or else there could be a very good chance that I'll crash and burn once AGAIN. I really don't want that.

Deja Vu

So different this time. Different circumstance, different scene, different crowd, different personality, different history, different story. Yet, it seems uncannily familiar.

Weighed Down

I feel so weighed down ever since the start of summer from all this MCAT studying. During the weekdays I find myself secluded in the library or in the classroom studying all day long. I have not really been able to go out and meet up with people that I haven't seen in awhile. I feel so beaten down that when I do meet up with people, I feel like I have lost my energy, my momentum, my zest for life. Everything becomes so blahhhhh

The only thing I look forward to is the weekend.

Sex

Yeah, that's right. Did I catch your attention?
Why should I have to be placed in awkward and uncomfortable situations when it comes to dealing with you and your boyfriend?
Why do I have to put up with noises I don't want to hear when I am trying to study, or trying to eat, or trying to do anything as a matter of fact.
Why should I be the one to blast music so that I can cover up the noise. Shouldn't you be the one trying to cover up the noise? Why me? I'm not the one having sex.
Why should I be woken up at 4 o'clock in the morning by the sound of "activities" in your room and then me having to stuff my head in my pillow so that I can go back to sleep.

why why why. I am just trying to get some fuckin sleep in my own fuckin apartment.

Don't know what to say

"Just don't think about it," you would say.
But how can I not think about it. We are human beings, we are made to think. It is what distinguishes us from other living creatures. We think until our head explodes, until we lose complete spontaneity and impulse, until we get sick and tired of our own thoughts, until it defines our every action and every word. I don't want to get lost in my own thoughts. I don't want to be controlled by my restless mind. I don't want to lose my spontaneity. Don't we all deserve a fresh start, a clean slate? Your life as I know it begins the moment we meet. Haven't I learned that lesson already? Yes, I have.

I just want to listen to music and dance all day long.

Funny

HAHAHA I find this amusing.
From The Onion

But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them

By Kimberly Pruitt
June 9, 2009 | Issue 45•24

I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?

I knew you would understand. You always do.

We're so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me bitch about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once—would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I've got going here.

It's just…you're like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you've spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.

No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.

Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I'd call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn't answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don't even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.

Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I've known you so long, you're more like a brother that I've drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It'd be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you'd come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I've had a bad day at work, you'd be looking at me like, "I've seen her breasts." God, I can't think of anything more awkward that that.

Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.

Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us.

Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.

Best friends. Friends forever.

Hopless Romantic

Three years ago, I was headstrong, independent, focused. I pushed love aside like love was only for the weak, vulnerable, and the naive. I was too good to love and to be loved. I hated cheesy movies and romantic novels, I still do, but more or less, I've come to realize that my attitude was nothing more than a facade, it was a way for me to justify a void I felt in my life. I was headstrong because I could not be vulnerable in front of others, I was ignorant because I could not deal with my own emotions. I was on such a path when I came to college, and then you came along and led me astray. When it was over, I was such a mess. I've been changed, and things have never been the same. Then more and more wonderful people came into my life. My experiences with them, the good and the bad, have only changed me for the good. Maybe it's true, after all of these experiences and as I sit here and contemplate in my solitude, that I have become a hopeless romantic. Since when did the tiny little things make me go soft in my knees? Your jacket, a piece of your sandwich, a toothy grin, a laugh at my stupid jokes, the necklace you made, our fingers interlocking on the dance floor. When did these meaningless things become meaningful. Or were they even meaningless to begin with? Maybe they did have meaning once upon a time. Since when did I become willing to stand outside bare and naked and vulnerable for you and for the many other "you's" to come. I stand here before you, I just hope and pray that you won't break me into pieces.

Maybe, just maybe, I can be a hopeless romantic who is not so hopeless?

hahahaha I laugh at myself, and I laugh at you.

FML

-I bit the inside of my lip, so now I have a huge ass canker sore. It hurts to eat, hurts to talk, hurts to smile. I feel like some sad emo kid now that I can't smile.
-I ate some chicken that has been in the freezer for almost a year. It looked okay, it smelled okay, it tasted okay, but my stomach said it was not okay.
-I had a fever and wrenching body ache. I was shivering in my bed covered in blankets in the middle of summer.
-I slept for 19 hours

Much better now...

Goals for the summer
-read an article during meal time to improve reading and comprehension skill
-work out for at least 1 hr per day. Pick back up on yoga
-learn how to skate. Apparently I skate like a robot, but I'm getting there...
-Ace the MCAT. I hope...
-Still try to have some fun? I hope? maybe just a teeny little?

Banging my head against the wall

I've been attending my MCAT class for about a week now, and I am basically scared shitless. It has dawned upon me how my three years of education at Berkeley has done very little to prepare me for the MCAT. My brain gets fried every time coming out of class, and it's amazing how much stuff tested on the MCAT that I've never learned about before in my life. As a bio major, I thought I should be well prepared for at least the bio section, but umm...not really. The brain? Action potential? Neurons? Immuno? Wada? I am a cell and developmental bio major, I've never learned about that stuff. Were we suppose to learn this in bio1A? Crazyyy shittttt. Then there is general chemistry. I thought I knew my general chemistry. I did pretty well in Chem 1A. Then wow...I am so surprised how hard I am struggling with acid base chemistry. FREAKIN ACID BASE CHEMISTRY. adslfkajsdfda. SHIT DAMN. Okay, onto verbal. FUCKIN VERBAL. It sucks to be an immigrant I tell you. I struggled on the verbal for the SATs, and I am struggling now for the verbal on the MCAT. Like what the hell, is it just my English is bad or what? I can't seem to understand any of the passages!! This is all freakinggg meee outtttt!!! Like what the hell, I did really well in all my reading and composition classes in college, but I come out and can't understand articles from the New Yorker or the Economist? Something is not right here.

When I was in high school, I thought I was bright, definitely not the smartest, but maybe sorta kinda smart. Then when college hits, I realized that I wasn't really all that smart, I just worked really really hard. I worked my ass off in high school, and I pulled off on top because well, a lot of people are lazy in high school. I continue to work my ass off in college, but everyone works their ass off at Berkeley. The game got harder, and I simply became average, and sometimes....even below average :( For the A's and A+'s that I did manage to get, I literally worked my ass off until my butt had calluses from sitting for too long. When I compare myself to my friends, I realize that I have to work two times as hard as them to get the same grade.

I realize that I take a lot of time to study something. I take my time to ponder, to chew on concepts, to practice, to review, to really understand this stuff. Sometimes I get frustrated at my turtle crawling speed because I don't have all the time in the world. I wish I could. I squeeze and squeeze out as much time as I can, but we only have 24 hrs in a day, and I can only go so long on 5 hr energy drinks and 6 hrs of sleep. I just fuckin can't do it!

I am already devoting so much of my time right now to MCAT. I've drastically cut down my AIM usage, facebook usage, e-mail, TV watching, socializing. I basically have no life.

Here is what my day is like nowadays
9:30 AM-wake up
10:00AM-5:00PM at the library studying MCAT
5:00PM-7:00PM MCAT class
7:00PM-9:00PM eat/relax just a lil
9:00PM-10:00PM tutor
10:00PM-2:00AM study more MCAT

Even with this schedule, I am behind!! I feeling like I am running out of time! I feel like there are so many things I don't know and still need to master! I feel like I am going to go KRZYY!!! How the hell do people do it. How the hell do people do this during the school year?? OH I KNOW, CUZ THEY ARE FREAKIN GENIUSES!!

and I am not a genius.

I feel so overwhelmed and it is only the 1st week. I just hope and pray that eventually it will seem less like banging my head against the wall and that I'll actually start to improve. Oh please help me God.

Home

Where is home?

With the onset of summer, many people are going back home to their families, whether it is to stay for the entire summer or just temporarily for a visit. All of this reminds me of the fact that I've always been in Berkeley every summer, whether it is for summer school, research, or this time MCAT. Although I tell everyone that I'm from Davis, I feel like I've slowly lost connection with the small college town known for its bikes and cows. I've lost connection with the high school friends who still live there or who still visits Davis during breaks. The friends that made my senior year of high school ever so memorable, the friends that I grew so close to during those years are all starting to grow apart, and everyone now has their own lives, futures, and their own little world that I am no longer a part of. As I see people that I once cared about drift away from me, I fear the same thing is going to happen to my college friends. What will happen once we all graduate and go on our separate ways? We only have one year left. Will we still keep in touch? Will you invite me to your wedding and I invite you to mine? Will somehow our lives join and we end up on the same path? Will distance be a factor? It seems that there is a sense of detachment even with people I live with and see every single day. So then I ask, what is the basis of our friendship? What is the foundation? You asked me that once. Was our friendship based on because we have a lot of things in common? Liked the same music? style? have the same type of personality and humor? Have a lot of fun together? But shouldn't there be something more to that? Something that is more solid and strong besides just commonality? We share lots of things with many different people, but what sets one friend apart from another? You then said that a strong common faith in God is the foundation of a friendship. Faith in God...well, it seems like I don't have that anymore...so then, what is it? What keeps people together?

I fear loosing the people that I care about. I fear ending up alone. These are my greatest fears. But I realize that loosing people becomes an inevitable part of life, and it is something we all have to accept and deal with. You may lose a friend, but you can also gain another.

The only thing that still keeps Davis somewhat significant is the fact that my mom and my sister still live there. But even that, it is still not a home to me. Once my mom and sister move out of Davis, the town will probably just become a town that I'll pass by once in awhile, a town that I lived in for two years, a town where I made some awesome friends but also lost some awesome friends. A place of happiness as well as many regrets. I feel like it is time to detach this sense of home with where my family is. I can no longer associate home with where my parents are. I will eventually have to start find and build my own niche and call it a home.

Rejection

How should we deal with rejection? We face rejections all the time. Rejections from jobs, from friends, from family, from complete total strangers. How are we suppose to deal with it? Do we just accept the rejection and tell ourselves that we are better than that, that we deserve better? That it is the company/organization/person's loss? Or do we look at it as a sign of inadequacy, incompetence, and a sense of not belonging? Looking at the situation from a third person's point of view, the answer is obvious. Of course we are not suppose to let rejections bring us down, but sometimes you can't help but wonder, maybe I'm just not good enough. When will I ever be good enough for you?

Words of Wisdom

Sometimes words of wisdom can come from the least expected places and people. They can come from that homeless guy you see sitting by the side of the street, from graffiti in the bathroom stalls, from that one person you met in class and talked to once or twice, from a complete stranger who do not know you. Thank you for enlightening me.

This time you say you believe me. This time, I say I believe it too. This time, maybe it's for real. Yet for some reason it's like a boomerang, no matter how far I toss it, it just keeps on coming back and hitting me in the eye. But each time, it hurts a little less. Maybe, just maybe, like a boomerang, I have to throw it INCORRECTLY, so that it'll never come back. Sometimes certain things really bring out the worst in me, and I absolutely hate it. I'm working on it.

My First

"Alright, you ready to do this?"
He leads me back to his apartment, opens the window and turns on the ceiling fan. He gathers all his necessary supplies from a shoe box by his wardrobe and puts it on the table. He then takes out a small piece of cannabis from his orange prescription pill bottle, and rolls it in a thin sheet of rice paper.

The cannabis looked really strange to me. I expected to be thick, greasy, and dark like hookah shisha, but instead, it looked like a dry piece of weed that you pull out from the sidewalk between those cement blocks. It looked nothing like the plant with seven leaves arranged perfectly around. Regardless, I guess I was ready. It wasn't even a matter of readiness, I was more curious than anything. I didn't want to go out and chase the experience, I didn't want to have to go out of my way to do this, but there it was, I was presented with the opportunity, and I decided to grasp it. I wanted to see what it was like. I wanted to cross that lake and see what was on the other side. I wanted to see what my mind is capable of.

He lights the joint and passes it to me. I inhale through my mouth without taking in anything into my lungs, and then I exhale out thick a big puff of grey smoke.
"you are wasting it," he says.
"you've got to inhale into your mouth, then inhale into your lungs, hold it in there, one, two, three, then exhale."

Inhale into my mouth
Inhale into my lungs, holding it there for three Mississippies
Slowly exxxhaaaleeeeee.
Just like that, I took maybe five or six hits, until I was scared the smoking end would burn my lips. To be honest, I didn't feel anything at first, but after it was all done, after the last bit burnt out and refused to light up again, it all came to me. My head felt extremely light, it was almost as if my head was no longer sitting on my neck, but floating somewhere above me. The smoke created a haze infront of me, and my eyes felt fumy from the smoke. My eyes felt droopy. Everything just seemed so chill and relaxing. It felt sooo goood. To hell with finals. To hell with my GPA. To hell with the endless drama. To hell with it all. It didn't matter, nothing mattered. For once, I felt like I was worry free. The Pink Floyd music playing on the JBL creature was just explosive, the chopper sound in the song made me think of Vietnam for some weird reason, and I felt like I was in the fuckin jungles running around. The speakers were like surround sound, and I heard the blades of the chopper all around me. Then all of a sudden, I started laughing. I laughed until tears started flowing out of my eyes. My friend started laughing too, and somehow I thought that just made everything funnier, and I laughed and laughed until my cheeks hurt. Then after the laugh attack, things became chill again.

Overall, it was a very interesting experience. I've heard that the first time the effect is not that great. Maybe what I felt was really a placebo effect, but whatever, who cares right?

I feel like I'm going on a journey in life.