Art

So my parents came to Berkeley today to visit me as well as drop off some food. During lunch, I basically had a big discussion with my parents regarding how much influence parents should on a child in terms of developing their interest in certain areas. I've always wondered what field I would go into if my parents never really pushed me towards the sciences when I was little. Right now, I'm at Berkeley majoring in biology and trying to get into med school. How much of that is by choice? How much of that is by brutal force? How much of that is "oh fuck it, I've gone too far already I might just as well stick with it."I don't really know...

All throughout my life, I've always LOVED the fine arts, and I mean LOVEEEEE. I definitely liked the sciences, but it was genuinely a different feeling with the arts. It was perhaps more passionate, more intense, more satisfying. I've literally spent hours just sitting in one spot drawing or painting nonstop, and I absolutely enjoyed every single minute of it. Listening to music while doing it, I mean it was total bliss.

I've been developing my interest in photography, and it brings me so much excitement I can't even describe. Whenever I see photos done by well known professional photographers, I literally get chills running through my body. It is that intense. I don't think I've ever felt that way with anything else. I particularly like fashion photography, and so I started looking into fashion design and construction, and MY GOD, its like a whole new door that just popped up and I want to dive through, but I can't. I've been watching videos of fashion shows, and *drool*.

During the years that I did pursue art on the side, I've had a few pieces in art shows, won a couple of awards, got into this art program thingy ma bob, I mean yeah, it was high school, really low key stuff, but I mean it was something that I was proud of, but my parents never really cared much for.

I don't think I am talented in the arts, but I just feel like if I actually received some quality education in it, I might actually become good at it? I don't know, but I really do want to find out.

I know I will have to take at least a year off after graduation before I can go to med school, so I told my mom that it would be kind of neat for me to go to an art school and maybe pursue an associative degree in some type of art. My mom's reply was, "OH MY GOD Lisha, why do you want to do that?" eeeeeyeaaa.....then I tell her, oh how about a master's degree in education, she goes, "OH MY GOD, why do you want to do that? If you wanted to do those things, why you go to Berkeley for then?" hmm.........

I think part of my mom's fear is that if I went and pursued those things, I might like it so much that I would actually want to pursue it as a career. That is her worst fear. For my parents, they've struggled so much in their younger years, went through so much hardship in their lives that they have gotten use to the mentality that unless I'm at a 200k job, I won't be happy and that I would always be struggling financially. I simply just don't agree with that. Their mentality is kind of like that of a starving child who would stuff their face when they see food because they are always living in the fear that they might not get a next time. I just don't think that's a realistic mentality anymore. It is also that Asian mentality where math+science basically owns everything else.

At Berkeley, I see so many Asians either being pre-meds or pre-business. Like goodness gracious, can I get some fresh air here. Why are all these damn Asians alike. lol. Why are there almost no Asians in the arts and humanities? Why?? What is wrong with the arts and humanities? For all you pre-meds and pre-business people out there, why are you doing what you are doing? Is it because you are stuck, like me, in this unrelenting cycle to please our stubborn Asian parents?

I have SO MUCH respect for the very few people that I do know who are purusing in the arts and humanities. I admire them for doing something that I have not been able to do, and perhaps will never be able to do. To defy my parents, to defy myself, to defy this Asian tradition or whaver you want to call it.

I'm not saying I'm unhappy at where I am in life. I'm not saying that I hate what I do. Hell, I don't even know what happiness is anymore, but I just can't really put a word to describe what I feel right now. It is not hate, it is not love. I don't know what it is. To really justify my choice in the sciences and a career in medicine, I've been trying to tie this bullshit connection between art and science, art and medicine for years, is there even such a connection? Hahaha, yet another question posed that has no answer.