Once again, I got into a huge debate with my parents over the phone. I won't bore you with the details of the debate, because once again, it is regarding my decision to apply to Teach For America. I don't even know why they are getting all worked up on it, I have to wait til they accept me first. I really hope they do accept me. *crosses fingers*
Anyways, so the biggest thing that jumped out at me was something my mom said. She said, "Lisha, I don't know why you are making your life so hard. Why do you want to go on such a grueling path of becoming a doctor. It is really hard being a girl. You are trying to accomplish all these things, yet you still have to think about raising and taking care of a family." Then she went on saying that it would've been the best if I just find some easy and stable job and just settle down. I was very perplexed by her statement because all throughout my 20 years of life, my parents have done nothing but pushed me to succeed. They pushed me towards the sciences, pushed me to work hard so that I can go to a good college and therefore find a good job. They would never accept me getting anything less than a MD or PhD. They wanted me to become a lawyer, a doctor, or a professor. Yet going through all these years of schooling and pursuing one of those professions are not what I would call EASY.
So why did my parents do it? Why did they push me so hard when they believe that I should just settle for something easy and focus on doing "womanly" things. I decided to ask my mom, and guess what she said. She went, "well, you should get a good education so that you can get a good educated husband."
LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. WOWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
I was speechless. I could not believe that just came out of my mom. What century is she stuck in? So I guess according to her logic, I worked really hard in high school to get to UC Berkeley just so I can find myself some intelligent Asian Berkeley guy, or better yet, I should go to med school just so I can find myself some hot shot doctor. MMM..HAWT. I guess that was basically suppose to be my goal in life..........
I am always surprised to hear such old fashioned idealologies coming from my parents because the truth is, they are REALLY young, and I mean REALLY young. Compared to all my peer's parents, my parents are like still in their golden years. They got married when they were like 20 and had me when they were like 22. I'm just so surprised that their mentality is still so old fashioned, conservative, and traditional beyond belief.
My mom even used herself as an example. She said that she wanted to be a nurse, and even started taking nursing classes. However she decided on pursuing accounting because it was an easy and stable job, and she gets to spend time with her family. Okay, fair enough, that is what she wanted, and thus it suits her. For me, it is just seriously not feasible. I cannot imagine myself just sitting at home and be a house wife. Like oh em gee, I'll be the worst house wife ever, like seriously, I can't cook shit....but anyways, thats beside the point. Just because I am a girl doesn't mean I should be stuck in this one mold that society has created. And as the society changes, this mold for girls is constantly being changed. We see women nowadays in places in society that was never seen a couple of centuries ago. We see women having the knowledge and power that they can never even dream about before. Time has changed. Too bad that my mom can't change with it. But I can't be stuck in time like her.
I respect women who do want to fulfuill the traditional role of a mother, nurturer, and caretaker. Nothing wrong with that. If that is something they want, then hey by all means. Whatever floats your boat right? And just because a woman has a hard core job doesn't mean she can't also fulfill her role in the family just as well. I guess what I am trying to say is, if there IS something else that I want to do in life, me being a girl should not stop me from pursuing it. And yeah, I agree with my mom, it probably will be very hard, especially for a girl who has to have double duty, but who said life is always easy right? It is a challenge millions of women have taken and are willing to take, and it is a challenge that I am willing to take.
Another thing that popped up in my head is that at my math tutor training, all the math and science tutors were women. It wasn't on purpose, it is not like the supervisor only hired women. I just found that to be inspirational. Us women taking on the math and sciences. Way to represent right? I think it is wonderful. Not only are we helping students in the math and sciences, but we are also breaking down the stereotype that females are only good in the humanities and that males dominate in the math and sciences. I really do hope that we are a source of inspiration to these students.
oh yah, my mom also worries that if I do Teach for America, I won't be able to find myself an intelligent man.....LULZZZZZZZZZZ because apparently people who do Teach for America are not intelligent??? O.o?
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Injustice?
I think sometimes we don't realize how lucky we are to be students at Berkeley. We really do take it for granted. Yet just two blocks away from campus, at the Berkeley High School, there are hundreds of kids who probably will never have a shot at attending a school like UC Berkeley, or any other four year college as a matter of fact. Where is the justice in that? This is what I witness every single day ever since I started working at the High School as a math and science tutor. I love working with these students, but it is just so depressing sometimes. It is devastating to me that the future of these kids lie who knows where. I try to be as optimistic as I can when I am working with them, but the sad reality is, I know that they future is bleak.
What good can I really do? How much does my help really benefit them? Will my 2.5 hrs of tutoring every day turn their life around? I am always working with juniors and seniors who still have trouble solving a simple algebraic equation, who still don't know how to add and subtract negative numbers. As we go through the problems, I lead them step by step, I hold their hands, I guide them through so that we can eventually reach a solution. I put on a big ass smile, telling them good job, but deep down inside, I have this feeling that they won't be able to solve a similar problem on their own on a test. How do I teach someone how to graph a line when they don't know how to rewrite the equation into slope intercept form, when they don't know how to solve an equation, when they don't know how to deal with negative numbers, when they still have to use the calculator to just do 8+3? The problem stems back to the roots, before high school, before middle school, and even before elementary school. And why is it that these students are African Americans?
I've also worked with other kids who have an idea of how to do a problem. All they needed was maybe for me to lead them on the right track when they stray away. They can complete similar problems on their own, and I know that they are on the path to a great start. They dream of going to a UC, and I know for a fact that their dreams are within reach. Why is it that these kids are White?
At the end of each session, the students are always so grateful for my help. They even say that I teach better than their teachers, and that they will start to come everyday to my tutoring sessions. Hearing that makes me feel good, it makes me happy, but this is not about my ego. I am not there to help them so that I can feel good about myself, it is not about me, it is about them. I am glad that they think I am helpful, but how much difference can I really make just as a tutor? What does it say about the teachers at Berkeley High when the kids are saying that I teach better than someone with a teaching credential? The kids complain that their teachers don't teach them anything, just tell them to read the book and do the homework. Hmm...that sounds like college. BUT the difference is, these kids haven't established the self discipline needed to study and work on their own. This is not college where everyone is fully aware of the consequences of not working. Apparently the teachers also don't check homework for accuracy, so the students BS their homework all the time. Sure it's saving the teachers from having to read hundreds of homework every night, but aren't the teachers here for the students? What is wrong with this picture? How about hire a reader? Shitt, I'll work as a homework grader. How about just randomly pick 3 or 4 problems to check for accuracy so that the student will try their best on every single problem?
I think a major thing for these kids is that they have very little self confidence or motivation. But it must be so hard to have those things when there is barely any support figure in their lives. One student tells me that his teacher talks to him as if he's retarded. Like WTF? That is just so messed up. This is one of the reasons for their low self confidence. I think adults have already emphasized the importance of going to college to these kids, but the problem is, these kids don't know how to succeed or don't have the resources to help them succeed in their classes. Some of them have so much else going on in their life, stuff with family, friends, relationships, etc that it is just so hard to focus on school.
These kids realize and understand their situation because they express concerns about their future. They are worried, scared, feeling helpless, and some are quite emotional about it. There was one girl who is a senior at the high school. She is about to graduate, and she has no idea what to do. She wants to go to a UC, but she knows she has zero chance. Just listening to her makes me think about my own situation. As a senior at UC Berkeley, I am currently scared shitless regarding what I am going to do after I graduate. I fucked up my MCAT, I fucked up my GPA, I don't know what I am going to do with my life, but at least I am graduating with a B.A degree in MCB from Berkeley. This is how scared and worried I am right now, I just can't fathom how some of these kids are feeling. They are going to graduate from Berkeley High with no idea of what they are going to do, and barely any chance at going to college. I don't know what to say. It is the sad reality.
Man, I've always known and was aware about this inequality in education. I've always witnessed it, but I feel like it all just hit me SO HARD all of a sudden. I think a lot of people are aware of the inequality in education, but there simply isn't enough being done to fix this. The truth is, money and prestige does not come with becoming a teacher, especially becoming a teacher at high risk communities like the ones in the Bay Area. There is currently very little incentives for becoming a teacher. Sure people always say that they want to pursue a career so they can help people, but why do people always end up choosing to become a doctor? Or a lawyer? Or a professor? Sure these professions help others, but the difference between that and a teacher is the big cash stash and the prestige that comes with the package. Yet, do you ever question who you are REALLY helping as a doctor? or a lawyer? or a professor? As a doctor, you are helping people who can pay for your service. As a lawyer, you are helping people who can pay for your legal advice. As a professor, you are helping people who can afford and get into college. You are doing no other but contributing to this inequality. If there is no prestige or money associated with these professions, would you still do it? Of course there are many doctors and lawyers and professors who are out there to work with the underprivileged and underserved, but I'm just speaking generally.
This is the reason I love to teach. This is why I love to associate and interact with people that are ignored, shunned, and stigmitized by the rest of society. This is the reason why I thought about pursuing a career in teaching and to work for Teach For America. Yet my parents view that as a bad goal for me, that I will get killed teaching at high risk communities, that it will be a lost cause. It is mentalities like those of my parents that are the creator of this inequality and its persistence. Why not break down these social stereotypes?
I love what I do, and I am so fulfilled by every single second of it. Yet I am so torn between a teaching career and a career in medicine. Do they really have to be mutually exclusive? Is it possible to do both? If I choose to become a doctor, am I contradicting my own philosophy of combating inequality? Will I become a contributor of it? What will I choose in the end? Does money and prestige really matter that much? Does it really matter to me? Or does it only matter to my parents and the rest of the people that are in my life? But am I living my life for them? Or for me?
The question is, can I turn these kids' lives around? The answer is, I sure hope so.
What good can I really do? How much does my help really benefit them? Will my 2.5 hrs of tutoring every day turn their life around? I am always working with juniors and seniors who still have trouble solving a simple algebraic equation, who still don't know how to add and subtract negative numbers. As we go through the problems, I lead them step by step, I hold their hands, I guide them through so that we can eventually reach a solution. I put on a big ass smile, telling them good job, but deep down inside, I have this feeling that they won't be able to solve a similar problem on their own on a test. How do I teach someone how to graph a line when they don't know how to rewrite the equation into slope intercept form, when they don't know how to solve an equation, when they don't know how to deal with negative numbers, when they still have to use the calculator to just do 8+3? The problem stems back to the roots, before high school, before middle school, and even before elementary school. And why is it that these students are African Americans?
I've also worked with other kids who have an idea of how to do a problem. All they needed was maybe for me to lead them on the right track when they stray away. They can complete similar problems on their own, and I know that they are on the path to a great start. They dream of going to a UC, and I know for a fact that their dreams are within reach. Why is it that these kids are White?
At the end of each session, the students are always so grateful for my help. They even say that I teach better than their teachers, and that they will start to come everyday to my tutoring sessions. Hearing that makes me feel good, it makes me happy, but this is not about my ego. I am not there to help them so that I can feel good about myself, it is not about me, it is about them. I am glad that they think I am helpful, but how much difference can I really make just as a tutor? What does it say about the teachers at Berkeley High when the kids are saying that I teach better than someone with a teaching credential? The kids complain that their teachers don't teach them anything, just tell them to read the book and do the homework. Hmm...that sounds like college. BUT the difference is, these kids haven't established the self discipline needed to study and work on their own. This is not college where everyone is fully aware of the consequences of not working. Apparently the teachers also don't check homework for accuracy, so the students BS their homework all the time. Sure it's saving the teachers from having to read hundreds of homework every night, but aren't the teachers here for the students? What is wrong with this picture? How about hire a reader? Shitt, I'll work as a homework grader. How about just randomly pick 3 or 4 problems to check for accuracy so that the student will try their best on every single problem?
I think a major thing for these kids is that they have very little self confidence or motivation. But it must be so hard to have those things when there is barely any support figure in their lives. One student tells me that his teacher talks to him as if he's retarded. Like WTF? That is just so messed up. This is one of the reasons for their low self confidence. I think adults have already emphasized the importance of going to college to these kids, but the problem is, these kids don't know how to succeed or don't have the resources to help them succeed in their classes. Some of them have so much else going on in their life, stuff with family, friends, relationships, etc that it is just so hard to focus on school.
These kids realize and understand their situation because they express concerns about their future. They are worried, scared, feeling helpless, and some are quite emotional about it. There was one girl who is a senior at the high school. She is about to graduate, and she has no idea what to do. She wants to go to a UC, but she knows she has zero chance. Just listening to her makes me think about my own situation. As a senior at UC Berkeley, I am currently scared shitless regarding what I am going to do after I graduate. I fucked up my MCAT, I fucked up my GPA, I don't know what I am going to do with my life, but at least I am graduating with a B.A degree in MCB from Berkeley. This is how scared and worried I am right now, I just can't fathom how some of these kids are feeling. They are going to graduate from Berkeley High with no idea of what they are going to do, and barely any chance at going to college. I don't know what to say. It is the sad reality.
Man, I've always known and was aware about this inequality in education. I've always witnessed it, but I feel like it all just hit me SO HARD all of a sudden. I think a lot of people are aware of the inequality in education, but there simply isn't enough being done to fix this. The truth is, money and prestige does not come with becoming a teacher, especially becoming a teacher at high risk communities like the ones in the Bay Area. There is currently very little incentives for becoming a teacher. Sure people always say that they want to pursue a career so they can help people, but why do people always end up choosing to become a doctor? Or a lawyer? Or a professor? Sure these professions help others, but the difference between that and a teacher is the big cash stash and the prestige that comes with the package. Yet, do you ever question who you are REALLY helping as a doctor? or a lawyer? or a professor? As a doctor, you are helping people who can pay for your service. As a lawyer, you are helping people who can pay for your legal advice. As a professor, you are helping people who can afford and get into college. You are doing no other but contributing to this inequality. If there is no prestige or money associated with these professions, would you still do it? Of course there are many doctors and lawyers and professors who are out there to work with the underprivileged and underserved, but I'm just speaking generally.
This is the reason I love to teach. This is why I love to associate and interact with people that are ignored, shunned, and stigmitized by the rest of society. This is the reason why I thought about pursuing a career in teaching and to work for Teach For America. Yet my parents view that as a bad goal for me, that I will get killed teaching at high risk communities, that it will be a lost cause. It is mentalities like those of my parents that are the creator of this inequality and its persistence. Why not break down these social stereotypes?
I love what I do, and I am so fulfilled by every single second of it. Yet I am so torn between a teaching career and a career in medicine. Do they really have to be mutually exclusive? Is it possible to do both? If I choose to become a doctor, am I contradicting my own philosophy of combating inequality? Will I become a contributor of it? What will I choose in the end? Does money and prestige really matter that much? Does it really matter to me? Or does it only matter to my parents and the rest of the people that are in my life? But am I living my life for them? Or for me?
The question is, can I turn these kids' lives around? The answer is, I sure hope so.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Home
I went back to home this weekend, a home that I've never seen, a home that I do not know anything about, a home that is in a town I've never spent a single second in, but nevertheless it is a place that I call home, and a place that my parents will call home for probably the rest of their lives. After over 10 years of being in the United States and building an entire life from scratch, my parents finally managed to save up enough money to actually buy a house. We moved out of Davis, a town that despite having spent the last five years in, we no longer have any associations with. My dad no longer works in UC Davis, I no longer go to Davis Senior High School, and my sister no longer goes to Willett Elementary School. My family has moved around a lot, from various places in China, to Georgia, to Delaware, and finally to California. Each time we go from one place to another, we go from one apartment to another. I got kind of used to this mobile lifestyle, but this time, it was really different. It was no longer just another part of our life on the move, it was rather a start of a more permanent and sedentary lifestyle. A lifestyle that I find new and strange. This time, it is not just a temporary settlement going from apartment to apartment, but into a house that they own, not rent, but actually own. This time, we no longer have to keep the majority of our stuff in suitcases just waiting for the next time we are on the move again.
I was excited to see the house. I decided to look on Google maps to see what it looked like before seeing it in person. It definitely is not a mansion, but it is also not tiny, it looks just the right size. It looks even better in person. It is a lovely house in a beautiful neighborhood in Elk Grove. The community is gorgeous, it has a lake, huge grassy parks, and from the looks of the houses in the neighborhood, it is definitely middle to upper middle class. Once again, quite a strange concept, to be part of a middle class neighborhood.
It was quite an interesting experience walking into the house and checking it out. All the houses that I've been to before are always other people's houses, and I always remember admiring those houses and wishing that I lived in them. But this time, instead of wishing that I lived in the house, I actually DO live in it. Well, not really, since I'm in Berkeley, but you get what I mean. I probably sound ridiculous right now, but the truth is, I've NEVER lived in a house the entire twenty years of my life, and I just can't get over how exciting it is. This past weekend, I experienced things that the majority of people have probably experienced ever since they were born, things that people probably never notice and take for granted. It was oh so sweet.
-Like omgg, a double door refrigerator that actually dispenses ice AND water!!!!
-Having a brand new set of furniture that actually matches
-Having a queen size bed in my bedroom. Even though the bed pretty much takes up all the space in the room
-having a ginormous backyard
-actually have grass to mow and bushes to trim
-having a garage
-since the house is so much bigger than what I am used to, it is so much work just walking up and down the stairs to get to the kitchen for water or food
-washing machine and dryer inside the house without having to use coins!
-having a dinning room AND a formal dinning room. Two dinning rooms you say? whoa!?!
-we can actually invite friends over to our house and not feel embarassed.
And the list goes on...
Even though I know I won't really live in the house much and therefore not really be able to enjoy the perks of living in a house, but I'm just really really happy for my parents. I think they really deserve it, and I am very happy for them. Obtaining this house is a symbol of the years of hard work that has gone into it, of our life in America, and potentially a permanent place that actually looks and feels like a HOME.
Just contemplating on my life with regards to how much I didn't have before and how much that I do have now, it is oh so bitter sweet...
I was excited to see the house. I decided to look on Google maps to see what it looked like before seeing it in person. It definitely is not a mansion, but it is also not tiny, it looks just the right size. It looks even better in person. It is a lovely house in a beautiful neighborhood in Elk Grove. The community is gorgeous, it has a lake, huge grassy parks, and from the looks of the houses in the neighborhood, it is definitely middle to upper middle class. Once again, quite a strange concept, to be part of a middle class neighborhood.
It was quite an interesting experience walking into the house and checking it out. All the houses that I've been to before are always other people's houses, and I always remember admiring those houses and wishing that I lived in them. But this time, instead of wishing that I lived in the house, I actually DO live in it. Well, not really, since I'm in Berkeley, but you get what I mean. I probably sound ridiculous right now, but the truth is, I've NEVER lived in a house the entire twenty years of my life, and I just can't get over how exciting it is. This past weekend, I experienced things that the majority of people have probably experienced ever since they were born, things that people probably never notice and take for granted. It was oh so sweet.
-Like omgg, a double door refrigerator that actually dispenses ice AND water!!!!
-Having a brand new set of furniture that actually matches
-Having a queen size bed in my bedroom. Even though the bed pretty much takes up all the space in the room
-having a ginormous backyard
-actually have grass to mow and bushes to trim
-having a garage
-since the house is so much bigger than what I am used to, it is so much work just walking up and down the stairs to get to the kitchen for water or food
-washing machine and dryer inside the house without having to use coins!
-having a dinning room AND a formal dinning room. Two dinning rooms you say? whoa!?!
-we can actually invite friends over to our house and not feel embarassed.
And the list goes on...
Even though I know I won't really live in the house much and therefore not really be able to enjoy the perks of living in a house, but I'm just really really happy for my parents. I think they really deserve it, and I am very happy for them. Obtaining this house is a symbol of the years of hard work that has gone into it, of our life in America, and potentially a permanent place that actually looks and feels like a HOME.
Just contemplating on my life with regards to how much I didn't have before and how much that I do have now, it is oh so bitter sweet...
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Failure
Last night I had a dream about my MCAT score. I logged onto the MCAT website, and for some crazy reason, instead of just having my score on the site, it was a 50 page PDF file that I had to download. I kept on scrolling through each page, and each page was more confusing than the previous. There were numbers and graphs everywhere, and it was impossible to decipher what my score was. All I remember is getting a fuckin 6 on verbal. It was a nightmare, a crazy nightmare that I wished it would never see the light of day, yet...it did. It crawled out from the dark covers and showed its ugly face.
I was counting down the days and hours til my MCAT score would be released. On the website, it said the score would come out at 2pm, and so I rushed to the library at 3:30 to check my score. My heart was literally pounding when I got on the computer, I was that nervous. I was hoping that I would see this amazing score and jump up and down in joy and run around like a crazy lunatic. But when I logged in, it said, "no scores available yet." DAMN, even more suspense. I decided to go to the gym to occupy myself.
At 7:30, I come back home and check my score. I did not jump for joy, I did not break down and cry. I just stared at it for 10 minutes, registering this hideous score of mine. It was a nightmare that came true. It is bad. It is really bad. I scored the same as I did before I started doing the practice tests. Just thinking of the hard work I put in during the summer, the countless hours, the sleepless nights, it all makes me want to cry a little. The thought of going through this again for the next 6 months is depressing, demoralizing, and utterly crushing.
I don't know what to do right now. I feel like everything just went up in flames. My dreams, my aspirations, this picture that I had in my mind of what I will accomplish in the future, all of that just came crushing down. I've never worked so hard for something and yet still fall so short. I always thought that I was hardcore, always thought that I will do whatever it takes to get to where I want to be, yet at the moment, I feel so weak, vulnerable, helpless, and mostly, very insecure. This is just the beginning, and I am already burnt out....
it is like hell all over again......
I was counting down the days and hours til my MCAT score would be released. On the website, it said the score would come out at 2pm, and so I rushed to the library at 3:30 to check my score. My heart was literally pounding when I got on the computer, I was that nervous. I was hoping that I would see this amazing score and jump up and down in joy and run around like a crazy lunatic. But when I logged in, it said, "no scores available yet." DAMN, even more suspense. I decided to go to the gym to occupy myself.
At 7:30, I come back home and check my score. I did not jump for joy, I did not break down and cry. I just stared at it for 10 minutes, registering this hideous score of mine. It was a nightmare that came true. It is bad. It is really bad. I scored the same as I did before I started doing the practice tests. Just thinking of the hard work I put in during the summer, the countless hours, the sleepless nights, it all makes me want to cry a little. The thought of going through this again for the next 6 months is depressing, demoralizing, and utterly crushing.
I don't know what to do right now. I feel like everything just went up in flames. My dreams, my aspirations, this picture that I had in my mind of what I will accomplish in the future, all of that just came crushing down. I've never worked so hard for something and yet still fall so short. I always thought that I was hardcore, always thought that I will do whatever it takes to get to where I want to be, yet at the moment, I feel so weak, vulnerable, helpless, and mostly, very insecure. This is just the beginning, and I am already burnt out....
it is like hell all over again......
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