Failure

Last night I had a dream about my MCAT score. I logged onto the MCAT website, and for some crazy reason, instead of just having my score on the site, it was a 50 page PDF file that I had to download. I kept on scrolling through each page, and each page was more confusing than the previous. There were numbers and graphs everywhere, and it was impossible to decipher what my score was. All I remember is getting a fuckin 6 on verbal. It was a nightmare, a crazy nightmare that I wished it would never see the light of day, yet...it did. It crawled out from the dark covers and showed its ugly face.

I was counting down the days and hours til my MCAT score would be released. On the website, it said the score would come out at 2pm, and so I rushed to the library at 3:30 to check my score. My heart was literally pounding when I got on the computer, I was that nervous. I was hoping that I would see this amazing score and jump up and down in joy and run around like a crazy lunatic. But when I logged in, it said, "no scores available yet." DAMN, even more suspense. I decided to go to the gym to occupy myself.

At 7:30, I come back home and check my score. I did not jump for joy, I did not break down and cry. I just stared at it for 10 minutes, registering this hideous score of mine. It was a nightmare that came true. It is bad. It is really bad. I scored the same as I did before I started doing the practice tests. Just thinking of the hard work I put in during the summer, the countless hours, the sleepless nights, it all makes me want to cry a little. The thought of going through this again for the next 6 months is depressing, demoralizing, and utterly crushing.

I don't know what to do right now. I feel like everything just went up in flames. My dreams, my aspirations, this picture that I had in my mind of what I will accomplish in the future, all of that just came crushing down. I've never worked so hard for something and yet still fall so short. I always thought that I was hardcore, always thought that I will do whatever it takes to get to where I want to be, yet at the moment, I feel so weak, vulnerable, helpless, and mostly, very insecure. This is just the beginning, and I am already burnt out....


it is like hell all over again......