Step I

I submitted my Teach for America application yesterday. It is the first phase of a long series of intensive selection process. I know that Teach for America is very selective, only about 17% of their applicants get accepted, and if somehow I fall short, it is okay, I just want to know that I tried my best. I really did put my heart into that personal letter, I just hope my passion and strong belief in their philosophy comes through in that 500 word essay. I hear back in a week with regards to whether I get a phone interview and advance to the next stage. Wish me luck!

Photoshoot

This past Sunday I went on a photoshoot with BARE magazine for their coats issue. I was so excited when I got assigned to do this shoot, but it really just wasn't what I expected at all. I think maybe I'm just not used to doing this type of work, photographing for someone else and helping them achieve their vision. For all the photoshoots I've done before, I had complete control over the pictures. I direct the models, I choose the locations, it's my vision, my photos. But this time, it wasn't my vision, they are not my photos. It is someone else's vision, someone else's photo that I needed to produce. I felt like I had no say in the composition or style, and therefore completely lost my perspective as a photographer. I realize that it is not my magazine that I am shooting for, and they have a specific look that they want, and so I put my pride aside and was thus completely trampled over. The production team was not only directing the models, but they were also directing me. I was told how to compose the photo, what angles to shoot from, what the background is. It just felt really strange. I wasn't used to it at all. Even now that I look through all the photos I took, I don't really feel that sense of accomplishment with them. I mean there are a few good photos that I would definitely like to keep, but they just doesn't feel like my own. I felt like I didn't have as much input as I would like to have or normally would have. Also during the shoot, I wasn't really given the chance to interact with the models. The production team was talking to the models and directing them, and I was kind of left out there on the side just clicking away on my camera. Before, I always interact with my models. It just makes everything a lot more natural and fun. I really believe that subject and photographer interaction is very important.

Well anyways, it was definitely an interesting experience. I think I learned a lot from it, and it actually made me realize how much these little processes in photography mean to me, how much I actually value my own creativity and control as well as interaction with the subject being photographed.

I think you are pathetic

Coats Shoot

I've been photographing for fun for quite awhile now, and I really wanted to get into some serious fashion photography, but just never really had the chance to. I applied to be a photographer for BARE magazine last year, UC Berkeley's first fashion magazine, but they never contacted me for any shoots. I was just getting into photography when I applied, and I didn't really have that many great samples to show. So last Sunday, I decided to take the initiative to go to BARE magazine and apply once again to be their photographer, this time, I brought 10 samples of what I think is the best of my work so far. Then yesterday, they contacted me to do their upcoming coats shoot. WOO!! I love coats! So excited!! and a little nervous!! I went to their production meeting today to go over the schedule, shooting location, theme, meet the models etc. This will probably be the most formal shoot I've ever done. There will be a makeup artist to do the model's hair and makeup, and the clothes will be from local vintage stores and boutiques. I just hope that the clothes, location, and models are inspiring, so that I can really perform on this shoot. I am nevervous, since I am no where a professional photographer, but this is my chance! This could be my first step into the world of fashion photography! The shoot is on Sunday, and I am already looking around for techniques, tips, and inspirations.
Here are some photos I found that will be my source of inspiration. I really hope that my photography equipments won't limit me on Sunday.

Life Crisis

As I realize that I will have my last Telebears ever next week, I am starting to have a life crisis. My life crisis also consists of a pre-med crisis that keeps on happening over again and again depending on what is going on in my life and my progress on the pre-med track, which by the way, I haven't really made much progress, sadly speaking. As of this moment, lots of thoughts have gone through my head, lots of worries, lots of confusion, and lots of insecurities. What am I going to do after I graduate? What are my chances of getting into medical school and actually becoming a doctor? Just thinking about these things are freaking me out and making me shit in my pants a little. Right now, I feel like I am trying to comfort myself by coming up with various plans as to what I can do in my 1 yr or 2 yrs off. Yet the plans somehow don't feel right, it seems like it is just a lot of plan B's for that one plan A.

Ever since my MCAT score was released, my parents said that it might be a good idea for me to start thinking about alternatives. But the truth is, there is nothing else that I rather do. Maybe at this moment, I don't know the answer to why I want to be a doctor, but I feel like there have been so many forces and events in my life that have changed me, shaped me, and motivated me towards this goal. I can't yet sum up the reason in a succinct essay, but hopefully soon I will. So no, I am not going to have a plan B.

I know my work ethics. There are times that I really don't care, but then there are those times that I care so fuckin much. I don't cry over B's anymore, that's because I've gotten use to it, I've accepted it, I've gotten over it. I don't get a second chance with my grades, so I am just going to do my best this semester and the next. I get a second chance with my MCAT, and I am damn well going to make the best out of it. I know my weaknesses, I know what I need to work on, I know what I can improve, and so yes I am going to work my ass off for it. Whatever it takes. However long it takes. Hopefully I will get to where I want to be eventually.

We all know shit happens right? But it can't happen all the time right?

Old

Does it ever get old? Does it ever hit you that it is just the same thing over and over again and again? This shit just never ends. At this age, should we already be getting sick of life? When is it that the once exciting becomes the boring. I was looking for change, I found it, and then slowly it became just another one of those things that I check off on my To Do list. What do we do when we reach the bottom of that list?

I hit 21, it was an epic moment, for just a moment, a fleeting single moment. It seemed so significant, yet so insignificant. It was so hyped up, and thus so disappointing. Will I always be out looking for the new and the exciting? When will I be okay with living my life like an algorithm that never alters or wavers. I just don't want to hit that stage yet. What do you do when there is nothing more to look forward to? Maybe I shouldn't be running all the time. Maybe, just maybe, I should slow down and walk for once.

How can you stand and tolerate this monotoneity. Why do I say that I feel sorry for you, and that I will never become like you. But maybe, I'm really sorry for myself. You are the one that is happy with your boring life isn't it?

So I am going to try again, to prove you wrong.