-___________-

feel kinda shitty....

Myopia

Throw off your glasses and look beyond what is right in front of you. Maybe without your glasses you can't see very clearly, but you can see vague shapes and colors. People become blobs so that you are unable to attach meaning to any face. Everyone becomes insignificant. You no longer can distinguish friends from foe. Sure without your glasses, uncertainty can become overwhelming, you may tumble, you may run into things, you may have to reach your hands out to sense what is in front of you. But nevertheless, you know for a fact that there is something beyond, there is existence, perhaps something even greater and better ahead. So stop being stuck in one position. It's as if you have your feet stuck in mud, a mud of memories, of events, of what people once upon have said, of what people will say, of school, of grades, of all these things that will only pull you down and prevent you from seeing what is beyond. I rather trip and fall and make a complete fool of myself than to be stuck here and rehearse the same thing over and over again in my head like a broken record that cannot be fixed.

Dear Anonymous readers:
Who are you? I see my profile views are at 140. Who are you and why are you reading my blog? I feel honored that you are interested in reading what I have to say about my life, that you are taking time out to read my rumble jumble. Is it out of curiosity? Is it entertaining? Is it insightful? Or do you actually care? Are you a friend? or just a mere acquittance? What is my significance in your life? Does reading my blog change how you think about me? Am I a different person than you've previously thought? Do you know feel like you know more about me? How does learning about me through my blog say about our relationship? Life is beyond a cyberspace.

I guess I would never find out who you are, and will never answer these questions.

Verbose

The other day I was having lunch with a friend, and he was telling me some family issues he was dealing with. The whole ordeal of someone in the family becoming very sick is just very difficult to cope with. I've never personally gone through something like this, and if it did happen to me, I really don't know what I would do. I don't know if I can handle it. The fact that a loved one has become very sick is difficult in itself, but what is very disappointing is the lack of professionality and compassion coming from the doctors. They probably see hundreds and thousands of patients that have had a stroke or heart attack, with cancer or some trauma, and that one patient simply becomes one of the many that they have seen throughout their career, no longer significant or special. Yet, what they don't notice is that one patient is a loved one to someone else, a significant, a family member, a friend, a colleague. That one patient is special to someone else. Obviously not all doctors are like that, but just the fact that there are a few is problematic in itself. It sucks for those people who end up under the hands of these doctors. It is really sad. It makes me wonder how in the world these doctors even became doctors if they can't even show compassion towards other people. Medical schools need to somehow shift their criteria for admission. Just because someone is book smart doesn't mean that they are going to be good doctors. Some people are really smart, but they are complete dumbasses when it comes to people and just life in general.

I feel very honored that I was the only person, aside from his significant other, he has shared this with. I feel very appreciated that he saw me as a close friend and was willing to share something so personal with me. He didn't do that with anyone else. Sometimes I don't really know what to say in situations like this. I don't want to show pity, but I do show sympathy. I am lost for words, but maybe no words are needed. I listened, gave him a hug, and maybe that was all that was needed. He says he'll be there for me whenever I need to talk. I know that is true.

I know it is hard to share with someone else an emotional and personal issue. It makes you think about it more. Talking about it brings up emotions that you have perhaps suppressed; it opens up wounds that perhaps have started to heal.

All of this makes me think about my mother. I've realized how much I love and care about her now that I don't see her often. It wasn't like this before. I feel like we've grown emotionally closer as we grow physically further apart. Sometimes I'm worried about my mom. She's basically on her own now, taking care of herself and my sister. She doesn't have any friends to go to in times of need, and she doesn't really have my dad to lean on. Just yesterday when I called her, she said she broke the fish bowl and cut her hands pretty bad. A few months ago, she got really sick too because of the weather, and she had no one to take care of her, yet she still needed to take care of my 7 year old sister.

My mom is incredible. My family has struggled very hard thoroughout these years we've been in America, and my mom has gone through hardships that I can never truely comprehend until I've experienced it myself. When we were in China, my mom worked as an accountant in a big business corporation. She was the president of the accounting department, earned a big salary, even more than my dad, and wore expensive business suits. We never really had to worry about money. All that changed when we came to America, why? So that my dad can pursue his career in academia and pursue the American dream. To help support our family, my mom worked various menial jobs, from being a busser and a waitress at a local Chinese restaurant where the boss is a complete bitch, to cleaning toilets, to changing diapers and cleaning bed pans as a nurse's assitant at a nursing home, to pumping gas at a gas station, to a cashier, to a student at a community college, and finally now back to being an accountant. She is just INCREDIBLE. My mom is now 44 years old. She's worked hard her entire life, and she shouldn't have to continue to work so hard to support my sister and I. Sometimes I hate my dad for doing this to my mom. I hate hate hate. It is so selfish. I HATE. I also hate myself for getting pissed at my mom all the time. I hate how I complain to her that I have to work two jobs, or that I don't have money to do various shits. Yet, whenever I'm low on money, she ALWAYS sends me a check. My mom deserves so much better from me. I am immature and stupid. Now I know. I feel like shit having to ask her for money to go to Guatemala. She's already paying for my MCAT class, and now she's paying over $2500 for me to go to Guatemala. She continues to support what I want to do with my life.

God damn...I LOVE my mom so much....

sweat baby sweat

This massive heat wave that has hit Berkeley in the past few days make me wonder how in the world I survived in Davis. The weather right now makes me feel like I'm going through menopause, this must be what hot flashes feel like. Intense heat and then chills. mm...joy....Besides the fact that it is so damn hot, I'm kind of glad that summer is approaching. It makes me happy to see people wear brightly colored shirts, flowery dresses, flowy breezy clothes. Its as if people are breaking out of their stiff and stuffy jackets and fur boots. Walking outside around dinner time is a bliss. It brings back memories of the walks I would take with my parents after dinner when I was little. Good times good timesss...

This summer will probably be the most important summer ever in my life. I'm throwing myself to the ferocious beast called MCAT. I'm not looking forward to it, but its do or die. I've got to do what I've got to do, there is no other choice.

I've realized that for many of us, when we come to college, we are given a clean slate, and we start to build new and independent lives for ourselves. When we meet people and become friends with them, it seems as if their lives before college are no longer significant. No doubt that one's life experiences before college shape the way they are today, but it just seems it didn't matter where the person is from, what the person's parents do, what the person's family's financial situation is. It simply didn't matter. It almost seems as if the life of the person you know has only started the moment you guys meet. Sometimes you have to step back and realize that there is so much history people can have before when they have entered your life. I know for a fact that if I brought friends back home to Davis, they'll realize that there is probably about a billion things that they didn't know about me.

We watched the birthing scene in human reproduction today. OHH MYY GODDD.....

palms are sweaty

Waiting is the hardest part

4-20

So loosen your hold
Though you might be frightened
Release or be caught
If this be the right thing
Unable by thought
To look what the tide brings in
So loosen your hold

We talked about marijuana today in public health 116, how fitting. I fell asleep because it was so damn hot in that room, I wish I stayed up so I can learn about how great marijuana is. Apparently, marijuana is less dangerous than alcohol. The speaker supports the usage of marijuana, medicinally or recreationally. She says that smoking cigarettes is more harmful than smoking marijuana. There is no connection between smoking marijuana and lung cancer.

I continue to lie to myself. I now realize. "Detox just to retox." Is it possible to be addicted?

*crosses fingers*

wadslfkwakdfa fuckkkkkkkkkkk. Tomorrow will be a better day. Or rather, today.

Jealousy

You are my friend
You are my competitor
so therefore sometimes you are my enemy
We both want to accomplish and achieve the same things
I only wish there were enough spots for the both of us
But unfortunately, this is a cut throat world
this is a competition
if its down to you and me
I want to win
but somehow you always come ahead
you always beat me
You are everything that I hate
yet you are everything that I wish I could be
So its not hate
it is simply jealousy

Photography

I have about 20GB of photographs in my computer, and that number has only been growing ever since I started getting into photography. I've always enjoyed looking at photographs, especially pictures that involve people. People have always intrigued me, their body language, their capability of conveying and invoking emotions, the ability to state a presence, their complete complexity and mystery, the ability to control yet the complete loss of control. Despite the fact that pictures only capture and freeze a single moment, and the person's voice and movements are completely erased, its amazing how the person's personality, thoughts, emotions, still come through subtly in the pictures. It just seems that with every different picture and with every different person, there is a totally different feel to it. Pictures really take human communication to a totally different level. There is no need for words or even a continuum of movements and body language. Just one single moment is able to convey years of story. Amazing photographers are able to accomplish this. I hope to do so someday.

On the opposite spectrum of portraits, there are some pictures where the human aspect is completely taken out of the person, and the person becomes nothing but an object, a prop, emotionless, senseless, without soul. It becomes a shape, a shadow, a tone, a texture, a color. It's like taking meaning out of something. I find that absolutely fascinating.

I've always had an interest in the visual arts. I took drawing classes when I was little, perhaps the only class forced upon my parents that I absolutely loved and pursued in. I continued in the fine arts throughout middle, high school, and even college. I've worked with dry and wet media, pencil, charcoal, conte, acrylic, watercolor, etc, it was great to experiement with different techiques, tools, and styles. For awhile, I really wanted to drift away from the traditional art of drawing and painting, and take it up a notch into the more modern, technical realm of digital art. Somehow the intangibility of a digital photography is appealing to me. This is a form of art where the artist can't really touch, can't smell, can't really feel. It is completely not RAW.

Last summer, I saved up enough money to buy a digital SLR. It's not a high end camera, but whatever, it gives me results that I'm happy with. No way is it any where near the photographs taken by professional photographers with $2000 cameras and equipments, but its okay, I'm not trying to pass off as a professional photographer, plus, I have to start off somewhere right? Maybe one day I'll upgrade my equipments, but for now, what I have can definitely do the job.

Photography is sure one expensive hobbie, but it's absolutely worth it. I haven't found something I'm so passionate about for so long. I am glad to be part of this creative process. It's so fun to just take pictures of friends, it's so interactive! whereas for drawing and painting, you kind of just sit there in your own lonesome corner and get lost in your own thoughts. Not that I don't like drawing and painting, but this is definitely something different.

I really want to grow as a photographer, I want to get more creative with my photographs. I need and search for inspiration, and that is why I watch America's Next Top Model, lol.....

KRZY week

WEDNESDAY
-I went to see Ratatat at the Fillmore with four of my friends. It was SIIIIICCCCCKKKKK. I was dead front and center. I rocked out SO HARD my hair, shirt, pants were completely drenched with my own sweat, other people's sweat, and the smell of weed perforating through every pore of my body. It was EPIC. I danced and jumped like I have never before.
-I was so close to Mike and Evan, I touched their pants, shoes, hair, hands, knees, guitar, and drums. When they crowd surfed at the end, I was able to grab both of their asses, and it was HAWT. Evan is a CUTIE. Oh I always have a thing for guys who are musically talented. mmm mmmm weakness #1.
-Best performance of the night: Shempi. The entire crowd jumped at the chorus, and it was impossible to not jump. Even if you wanted to stop, the force of people jumping around you was so great that it basically lifted you off of your feet. I felt like my feet never touched the ground.
-We all got free Ratatat posters. A homeless guy asked me for mine, and I said no.
-This is the first concert I've went to with just a bunch of friends. The most fun I've ever had at a concert.

THURSDAY
-I don't remember what happened on Thursday. I probably studied, nothing eventful.

FRIDAY
-I usually never study on a Friday, but I went to the library and studied until 10pm. Why? So that I can get crunk on Saturday.

SATURDAY
-Hey you. You throw the sickest parties. Wish you played more of my music though.
-I had a shot of vodka. A shot of rum. Two Mohitos. Two Sangrias. All within one hour. Paid for the consequence soon afterwards.
-I barfed all over the bushes. It was like a waterfall. This is the second time I've puked at a party. After the first time, I told myself that it'll never happen again. Well...I guess I really didn't know how much I was drinking.
-I feel so loved. When I was puking in the bushes, there were all these people that I don't even know holding my hair to keep it out of my face, handing me paper towels, giving me water, rubbing my back, and just being outside to make sure I was okay and just looking after me. There it was, in the middle of the night, all these people that I don't even know showing compassion and care to me, someone that they don't even know. How wonderful. I feel like I can have faith in people once again. When my bangs were falling in front of my face while puking, this guy held them back and said that my bangs kept me looking hot. HAHAHHAA what a cutie....okay lisha, get yourself together, *snaps back to reality*
-LOVE LOVE LOVE. It is so easy to give and receive. Just do it! Stop making it like its such a sacred thing that only a very few deserve. I love you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you...
-Two guys gave me a lap dance. It wasn't that great. HAHAHAHA. Sadness
-I met a lot of suitcase youth clinic people. They are pretty amazing. I can't wait to go back during the summer.
-My thighs burned from dancing so much. Everybody was getting so low that it was kind of tiresome, especially when I was half drunk and couldn't keep my balance. Yeah, you are right, I can't handle you, cuz I don't have skater legs like you.
-Three guys ripped off their shirts to the song, "its gettin hot in here, so take off all yo clothes." I saw pale, hairless, Asian bodies.....I don't know what to say......except.....YEEUUUH!!!
-Apparently I'm violent when I'm drunk? I don't think so? I hope not?
-I remember everything that happened that night and everyword that was said. It was fun, kinda edgy, kind of exciting, a little bit of everything?
-Hey you. Maybe we should just tell people that we are brother and sister.

SUNDAY
-woke up at 9am with a terrible terrible hangover.
-I wrote a private blog. Maybe it will never get published. Who knows. Curious?

MONDAY
-studied
-Paid my deposit for the Guatemala trip. I am soooo excited!! YEEEE!

TUESDAY
-I AM FREEE!! YAY! Two midterms down! and nothing more to go!!
-This random guy started talking to me while I was waiting to get some food. He asked me about my midterms, and so naturally I asked about his midterm that he's taking tomorrow. He said it was for math 16B, and then asked if I took that class. I said, no, I took math 53 and 54. He must've felt like he got owned, cuz he then said, oh, I was thinking of taking that at a community college.......The end.

RANDOM
-I wish my hair would grow faster. I want my long hair back.
-I want to get two more piercings.
-I am continuing to save money for Guatemala.
-I am waiting to hear back from the job I applied to.
-I would sometimes smile and laugh randomly when I'm just walking.
-ASUC people. Stop harassing me when I'm walking on Sproul, and stop spamming my facebook.
-I can't wait until I turn 21
-Life is good.