FML

-I bit the inside of my lip, so now I have a huge ass canker sore. It hurts to eat, hurts to talk, hurts to smile. I feel like some sad emo kid now that I can't smile.
-I ate some chicken that has been in the freezer for almost a year. It looked okay, it smelled okay, it tasted okay, but my stomach said it was not okay.
-I had a fever and wrenching body ache. I was shivering in my bed covered in blankets in the middle of summer.
-I slept for 19 hours

Much better now...

Goals for the summer
-read an article during meal time to improve reading and comprehension skill
-work out for at least 1 hr per day. Pick back up on yoga
-learn how to skate. Apparently I skate like a robot, but I'm getting there...
-Ace the MCAT. I hope...
-Still try to have some fun? I hope? maybe just a teeny little?

Banging my head against the wall

I've been attending my MCAT class for about a week now, and I am basically scared shitless. It has dawned upon me how my three years of education at Berkeley has done very little to prepare me for the MCAT. My brain gets fried every time coming out of class, and it's amazing how much stuff tested on the MCAT that I've never learned about before in my life. As a bio major, I thought I should be well prepared for at least the bio section, but umm...not really. The brain? Action potential? Neurons? Immuno? Wada? I am a cell and developmental bio major, I've never learned about that stuff. Were we suppose to learn this in bio1A? Crazyyy shittttt. Then there is general chemistry. I thought I knew my general chemistry. I did pretty well in Chem 1A. Then wow...I am so surprised how hard I am struggling with acid base chemistry. FREAKIN ACID BASE CHEMISTRY. adslfkajsdfda. SHIT DAMN. Okay, onto verbal. FUCKIN VERBAL. It sucks to be an immigrant I tell you. I struggled on the verbal for the SATs, and I am struggling now for the verbal on the MCAT. Like what the hell, is it just my English is bad or what? I can't seem to understand any of the passages!! This is all freakinggg meee outtttt!!! Like what the hell, I did really well in all my reading and composition classes in college, but I come out and can't understand articles from the New Yorker or the Economist? Something is not right here.

When I was in high school, I thought I was bright, definitely not the smartest, but maybe sorta kinda smart. Then when college hits, I realized that I wasn't really all that smart, I just worked really really hard. I worked my ass off in high school, and I pulled off on top because well, a lot of people are lazy in high school. I continue to work my ass off in college, but everyone works their ass off at Berkeley. The game got harder, and I simply became average, and sometimes....even below average :( For the A's and A+'s that I did manage to get, I literally worked my ass off until my butt had calluses from sitting for too long. When I compare myself to my friends, I realize that I have to work two times as hard as them to get the same grade.

I realize that I take a lot of time to study something. I take my time to ponder, to chew on concepts, to practice, to review, to really understand this stuff. Sometimes I get frustrated at my turtle crawling speed because I don't have all the time in the world. I wish I could. I squeeze and squeeze out as much time as I can, but we only have 24 hrs in a day, and I can only go so long on 5 hr energy drinks and 6 hrs of sleep. I just fuckin can't do it!

I am already devoting so much of my time right now to MCAT. I've drastically cut down my AIM usage, facebook usage, e-mail, TV watching, socializing. I basically have no life.

Here is what my day is like nowadays
9:30 AM-wake up
10:00AM-5:00PM at the library studying MCAT
5:00PM-7:00PM MCAT class
7:00PM-9:00PM eat/relax just a lil
9:00PM-10:00PM tutor
10:00PM-2:00AM study more MCAT

Even with this schedule, I am behind!! I feeling like I am running out of time! I feel like there are so many things I don't know and still need to master! I feel like I am going to go KRZYY!!! How the hell do people do it. How the hell do people do this during the school year?? OH I KNOW, CUZ THEY ARE FREAKIN GENIUSES!!

and I am not a genius.

I feel so overwhelmed and it is only the 1st week. I just hope and pray that eventually it will seem less like banging my head against the wall and that I'll actually start to improve. Oh please help me God.

Home

Where is home?

With the onset of summer, many people are going back home to their families, whether it is to stay for the entire summer or just temporarily for a visit. All of this reminds me of the fact that I've always been in Berkeley every summer, whether it is for summer school, research, or this time MCAT. Although I tell everyone that I'm from Davis, I feel like I've slowly lost connection with the small college town known for its bikes and cows. I've lost connection with the high school friends who still live there or who still visits Davis during breaks. The friends that made my senior year of high school ever so memorable, the friends that I grew so close to during those years are all starting to grow apart, and everyone now has their own lives, futures, and their own little world that I am no longer a part of. As I see people that I once cared about drift away from me, I fear the same thing is going to happen to my college friends. What will happen once we all graduate and go on our separate ways? We only have one year left. Will we still keep in touch? Will you invite me to your wedding and I invite you to mine? Will somehow our lives join and we end up on the same path? Will distance be a factor? It seems that there is a sense of detachment even with people I live with and see every single day. So then I ask, what is the basis of our friendship? What is the foundation? You asked me that once. Was our friendship based on because we have a lot of things in common? Liked the same music? style? have the same type of personality and humor? Have a lot of fun together? But shouldn't there be something more to that? Something that is more solid and strong besides just commonality? We share lots of things with many different people, but what sets one friend apart from another? You then said that a strong common faith in God is the foundation of a friendship. Faith in God...well, it seems like I don't have that anymore...so then, what is it? What keeps people together?

I fear loosing the people that I care about. I fear ending up alone. These are my greatest fears. But I realize that loosing people becomes an inevitable part of life, and it is something we all have to accept and deal with. You may lose a friend, but you can also gain another.

The only thing that still keeps Davis somewhat significant is the fact that my mom and my sister still live there. But even that, it is still not a home to me. Once my mom and sister move out of Davis, the town will probably just become a town that I'll pass by once in awhile, a town that I lived in for two years, a town where I made some awesome friends but also lost some awesome friends. A place of happiness as well as many regrets. I feel like it is time to detach this sense of home with where my family is. I can no longer associate home with where my parents are. I will eventually have to start find and build my own niche and call it a home.

Rejection

How should we deal with rejection? We face rejections all the time. Rejections from jobs, from friends, from family, from complete total strangers. How are we suppose to deal with it? Do we just accept the rejection and tell ourselves that we are better than that, that we deserve better? That it is the company/organization/person's loss? Or do we look at it as a sign of inadequacy, incompetence, and a sense of not belonging? Looking at the situation from a third person's point of view, the answer is obvious. Of course we are not suppose to let rejections bring us down, but sometimes you can't help but wonder, maybe I'm just not good enough. When will I ever be good enough for you?

Words of Wisdom

Sometimes words of wisdom can come from the least expected places and people. They can come from that homeless guy you see sitting by the side of the street, from graffiti in the bathroom stalls, from that one person you met in class and talked to once or twice, from a complete stranger who do not know you. Thank you for enlightening me.

This time you say you believe me. This time, I say I believe it too. This time, maybe it's for real. Yet for some reason it's like a boomerang, no matter how far I toss it, it just keeps on coming back and hitting me in the eye. But each time, it hurts a little less. Maybe, just maybe, like a boomerang, I have to throw it INCORRECTLY, so that it'll never come back. Sometimes certain things really bring out the worst in me, and I absolutely hate it. I'm working on it.

My First

"Alright, you ready to do this?"
He leads me back to his apartment, opens the window and turns on the ceiling fan. He gathers all his necessary supplies from a shoe box by his wardrobe and puts it on the table. He then takes out a small piece of cannabis from his orange prescription pill bottle, and rolls it in a thin sheet of rice paper.

The cannabis looked really strange to me. I expected to be thick, greasy, and dark like hookah shisha, but instead, it looked like a dry piece of weed that you pull out from the sidewalk between those cement blocks. It looked nothing like the plant with seven leaves arranged perfectly around. Regardless, I guess I was ready. It wasn't even a matter of readiness, I was more curious than anything. I didn't want to go out and chase the experience, I didn't want to have to go out of my way to do this, but there it was, I was presented with the opportunity, and I decided to grasp it. I wanted to see what it was like. I wanted to cross that lake and see what was on the other side. I wanted to see what my mind is capable of.

He lights the joint and passes it to me. I inhale through my mouth without taking in anything into my lungs, and then I exhale out thick a big puff of grey smoke.
"you are wasting it," he says.
"you've got to inhale into your mouth, then inhale into your lungs, hold it in there, one, two, three, then exhale."

Inhale into my mouth
Inhale into my lungs, holding it there for three Mississippies
Slowly exxxhaaaleeeeee.
Just like that, I took maybe five or six hits, until I was scared the smoking end would burn my lips. To be honest, I didn't feel anything at first, but after it was all done, after the last bit burnt out and refused to light up again, it all came to me. My head felt extremely light, it was almost as if my head was no longer sitting on my neck, but floating somewhere above me. The smoke created a haze infront of me, and my eyes felt fumy from the smoke. My eyes felt droopy. Everything just seemed so chill and relaxing. It felt sooo goood. To hell with finals. To hell with my GPA. To hell with the endless drama. To hell with it all. It didn't matter, nothing mattered. For once, I felt like I was worry free. The Pink Floyd music playing on the JBL creature was just explosive, the chopper sound in the song made me think of Vietnam for some weird reason, and I felt like I was in the fuckin jungles running around. The speakers were like surround sound, and I heard the blades of the chopper all around me. Then all of a sudden, I started laughing. I laughed until tears started flowing out of my eyes. My friend started laughing too, and somehow I thought that just made everything funnier, and I laughed and laughed until my cheeks hurt. Then after the laugh attack, things became chill again.

Overall, it was a very interesting experience. I've heard that the first time the effect is not that great. Maybe what I felt was really a placebo effect, but whatever, who cares right?

I feel like I'm going on a journey in life.

The pyschology and biology of attraction

haha I saw this today
From psychology today:

"Copulatory" Gaze

The gaze is probably the most striking human courting ploy. Eye language. In Western cultures, where eye contact between the sexes is permitted, men and women often stare intently at potential mates for about two to three seconds during which their pupils may dilate—a sign of extreme interest. Then the starer drops his or her eyelids and looks away. (I would think looking for pupil dilation is not very helpful with an Asian person's eyes, since their pupil is basically the color of their iris. Easier to tell with Caucasian eyes)

Keeping Time

Body synchrony is the final and most intriguing component of the pickup. As potential lovers become comfortable, they pivot or swivel until their shoulders become aligned, their bodies face-to-face. This rotation toward each other may start before they begin to talk or hours into conversation, but after a while the man and woman begin to move in tandem. Only briefly at first. When he crosses his legs, she crosses hers; as he leans left, she leans left; when he smoothes his hair, she smoothes hers. They move in perfect rhythm. (Hence, when in a group of people, notice where your body orients)

Odor Lures

Every person smells slightly different; we all have a personal "odor print" as distinctive as our voice, our hands, our intellect. Both men and women have "apocrine glands in their armpits, around their nipples, and in the groin that become active at puberty. These scent boxes differ from "eccrine" glands, which cover much of the body and produce an odorless liquid, because their exudate, in combination with bacteria on the skin, produce the acrid, gamy smell of perspiration.

But could a man's smell actually trigger infatuation in a woman? This possible link between male essence and female reproductive health may provide a clue to attraction. Women perceive odors better than men do. They are a hundred times more sensitive to Exaltolide, a compound much like men's sexual musk; they can smell a mild sweat from about three feet away; and at midcycle, during ovulation, women can smell men's musk even more strongly. Perhaps ovulating women become more susceptible to infatuation when they can smell male essence and are unconsciously drawn toward it to maintain menstrual cycling.

A woman's or a man's smell can release a host of memories too. So the right human smell at the right moment could touch off vivid pleasant memories and possibly ignite that first, stunning moment of romantic adoration.

Love Maps

A more important mechanism by which human beings become captivated by "him" or "her" may be what sexologist John Money called your love map. Long before you fixate on Ray as opposed to Bill, Sue instead of Ceciley, you have developed a mental map, a template replete with brain circuitry that determines what arouses you sexually, what drives you to fall in love with one person rather than another.

These love maps vary from one individual to the next. Some people get turned on by a business suit or a doctor's uniform, by big breasts, small feet, or a vivacious laugh. But averageness still wins.

Men and women around the world are attracted to those with good complexions. Everywhere people are drawn to partners whom they regard as clean. And men in most places generally prefer plump, wide-hipped women to slim ones. Looks count.

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Why are we attracted to certain people and not others? Why do our friends tend to be very similar to each other? And what causes us to decide on a mate? Many of these questions relate to social psychology in that society's influence and our own beliefs and traits play an important role. Research has found five reasons why we choose our friends.:

1. Proximity - The vast majority of our friends live close to where we live, or at least where we lived during the time period the friendship developed. Obviously friendships develop after getting to know someone, and this closeness provides the easiest way to accomplish this goal. The closer two people live to each other the more likely it is for them to like one another. Research has shown that the best single predictor of whether two people are friends is how far apart they live.
   

2. Association - We tend to associate our opinions about other people with our current state. In other words, if you meet someone during a class you really enjoy, they may get more 'likeability points' then if you met them during that class you can't stand.

3. Similarity - On the other hand, imagine that person above agrees with you this particular class is the worse they have taken. The agreement or similarity between the two of you would likely result in more attractiveness.
   

4. Reciprocal Liking - Simply put, we tend to like those better who also like us back. This may be a result of the feeling we get about ourselves knowing that we are likable. When we feel good when we are around somebody, we tend to report a higher level of attraction toward that person

5. Physical Attractiveness - Physical attraction plays a role in who we choose as friends, although not as much so as in who we choose as a mate. Nonetheless, we tend to choose people who we believe to be attractive and who are close to how we see our own physical attractiveness.

Eye Candy

Jerry Yoon photography. *drools*
I want high fashion!!

Subconscious

I had a dream last night. It was disturbing. I wish I hadn't remembered it when I woke up this morning. What is my subconscious trying to say? So it really isn't over? My conscious tells me that it's over, but apparently my subconscious says a different story. When will it truly be over? I still feel trapped in some ways, even when I'm not aware of it. When will it disappear, no longer pulling me down. When will it stop showing its ugly head even when I'm in a drunken stupor. When will words become so randomized that they no longer make sense. Come here now.

I don't want to wake up and have to relive the same old dream.

Happy mother's day.

Hey you, it's me

Hey you, it's me,
I don't mean to bother you but somethings been on my mind.
At the end of this road that climbs the horizon will be reached in a matter of miles.
And when the wheels cease to spin the walls and the fences will grow higher than redwood trees.
And I know your demise.
And I fear what will happen when the road fails to flow under me.
Oh you see, I felt like your mirror with the wind whipping through my hair.
When the wheels ceased to spin and I cased my surroundings, I realized I hadn't gone anywhere.
When the problems I'd left with couches in alleys, where no one would ever claim.
And the hardest part was sifting through the pieces of the rain soaked and rotten remains when I got home.

Applied to three jobs today, three more to go.

Time of the year again

So today was pretty much the last day of school for me, and as the year comes to an end, it's that time again. The time where I reflect on things that happened this past semester, the good and the bad. It's kind of funny how I'm writing this right now at 2:20 am, and I'm like half drunk. I feel like i'm gonna black out soon, I'm starting to see black stripes. How bizarre, better finish this soon!

On academics
ohhh boyy...this was probably the shittest semester ever. I took completely the wrong classes. I mean hello? Asian American studies with a focus on politics and public policy? WADA? So out of my league, I don't think I know what is going on half of the time. Developmental biology? Wow....somehow I thought this was going to be an interesting and easy class, boy was I wrong. I got my self esteem crushed in that class. Below average on a midterm?? RLY? Now I just hope I don't get a C in that class. I'll be wiser next semester with my choice of classes.

On relationships
mmmm mmmmm...this one is really tough. This semester has been a little crazy with so many things going on, I don't think I can completely comprehend what has happened, but all I know is that I'm happy with the state that I am in right now. The semester started off very rough with the end of a long term and long distance relationship. I don't think I've been more hurt in my life, and I just couldn't take the retaliation, the back stabbing, the vengence. All I wanted to do was to bash you into pieces. I couldn't concentrate in my classes, and I just felt like crying all the time. It was probably the lowest point of my life. But you know, I am so happy that I had friends that were there to help me get through it all. Without you guys, I seriously don't know what I would do. I feel like I've grown and matured a lot from this experience. I've grown bigger, better, and a lot stronger. I am now aware of my emotional capabilities, my vulnerablities, my strengths. I can't believe you said that I'm emotionally unstable and that I need to see a doctor. FUCK YOU. You are the one who is emotionally dependent, insecure, clingy, and unstable. I don't hate you, but I hope you are doing alright and have matured and grown from this. I very much enjoy my freedom right now. The truth is, I don't want to be pulled down and pulled back by committing myself to a relationship. It is still way too early in my life. I am simply not ready. My philosophy is that a relationship is here for eternity, if there isn't going to be any commitment, then what is the point of getting into one? If I'm not ready, then why bother? I think I've had enough experience to know what I want. I think I know what I want, but I definitely don't need it right now. I have one more year in college, let's make this a good one.

On family
I am so happy that I've grown a lot closer to my family. I definitely appreciate them much more now that I don't see them as often. I hope my relationship with my parents can only get better

On future
I don't really want to think about it right now. The future is becoming more and more scary as I get closer and closer to graduation. Right now, college is in a way a safe haven. We don't have to really worry about money, the economy, jobs, family, etc. We are sheltered in our own little Berkeley world. I have a goal, I have a plan, I'm just going to do my best to go for it. If somehow I fall short, then so be it. I have come to the conclusion and acceptance that I am not always going to be the best. I have a plan B, and at least I won't regret and say that I didn't try hard enough. Its a tough life, a competitive life. Not everyone can be winners, and I guess I have to come to acceptance about that.

On work
ohhhhhhh I loveee my jobbbbb. I've absolutely loved every single teaching experience I've had the entire time in college. I've developed such a passion for teaching and education, I'm very excited to see where that would lead me.

On blogging
hehehehe, I'm glad that I'm picking up on blogging. It's definitley a good way for me to clear my head. It's a way for me to deal and organize things in my head. I find it very cathartic.

What can I say. I am happy.

words

-5 hrs of partying. No restraint. No barrier. No wall
-3 hrs over shaved ice. Lychee frozen yogurt, condensed milk, red bean paste, strawberries, kiwi, and mango
-1 hr from top bunk to lower bunk
-3 hrs over sausage links, hash browns, scrambled eggs with cheese, Pillsbury cinnamon rolls, a diet coke, and Mean Girls
-2 hrs of IM conversation with you, 1 hr with you, 30 minutes with you, 4o minutes with you, and 10 minutes with you
-2 hrs of sitting next to you as you waited to dry the sweat off your back and your clothes, as you waited to hear the good news, as you jumped up and down in joy, as you screamed and danced around, as I hugged and danced with you
-4 hrs at clinic, cooking, cleaning, talking, listening, laughing, all that good stuff
-too many hours with myself

With the onset of year 2009, I told myself that I would value my friendships more, because without you, friendship was all that I had. And so I put my friendships up on a pedestal, I treasured and cherished them. I worked and pushed and delved so that I could keep up with everyone. I put in time, I put in effort, I invested emotionally. I listened to your words, took them to heart and found meaning in them. I found meaning in human relationships. I learned. I grew. I became a bigger and better person. I took all the shit that was thrown at me, and I didn't say anything because I didn't want to ruin any friendships. I didn't want to open a can of worms. I braced it all, for the sake of you and me. How long have we known each other? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 years? Long enough. Now I want to knock you off that fuckin pedestal and watch you fall. When you fall, and you look up at me to pick you up, I will say no.....but I know that will never happen, because I am Lisha, and I care way too much. I forgive. I will not let you wade in your water alone. Even if you do not fall, or do not ask me to pick you up, I will offer, and all you have to do is take it.

collision is such an ugly sound

life is good

kaaapooowwwwowww

dooo dooo dododododod dodooooo dododdod
*sings*
*dances*

hey hey! you you!!

Random people like to talk to me. I like to talk to random people. Sometimes random people share a little too much, get a little too personal. But tissss okayyyyy.

Every minute is arranged
Every moment lasts a day
But thinking about it can't help me let go, I know.

Talk, talking a lot, but it's still talk
Gotta love how it's somehow all on me
All the petty scenes
And all the pretty things
Say whatever you want
'Cause I can laugh it off.
I can laugh it off.
haa haaa haaa haaaa ahh haaaaaa

Relief

EDIT: never never again. I should've listened, you were right.
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I did it. I confronted. I found closure. Now that I know, I can finally set my feet down from that tormented "what the fuck is going on" state. I thought I would feel an overflow of emotions, but the truth is, I don't feel anything....perhaps more relief than anything else. All along, I've worked it out with myself. In a way, I kind of expected things to turn out this way, I kind of prepared myself for the different outcomes. There was a little voice in my head that said, Lisha, you are wrong. That voice was right, I was wrong, very wrong indeed. We were all wrong. I brought it all up on myself. All those things that I was going to say, well they no longer mean a thing, they don't matter anymore. So I'll just push those words into the deep abyss where they will never see the light of day.

But thank you. I'm glad that things can go back to normal now.

I feel good