Growing up

Growing up sucks. I guess I never anticipated how different life would be after graduation. Working full time is so draining that I feel like I have no more energy left at the end of the day. I feel like I'm busting my ass just so I can put a roof over my head, food in my stomach, gas in my car, etc. Post graduation, it just seems like all my decisions have been made around making money and supporting myself. I find myself applying to biotech/research jobs because I know they pay more than teaching. So what about teaching? What happened to that? I guess I never noticed how much money is an issue until now. A part of me just want to follow the traditional route of graduating from college, go to med school, find a job, and just live a slow, stable, normal life. Yet, slowly, I feel like I'm drifting further and further away from my plans. To tell you the truth, I don't even know what the plan is anymore. Another part of me just want to go somewhere on my own for a bit, do a little bit of teaching, a little bit of art, a little bit of everything. Yup...the life of a bum. Kind of appealing doesn't it? The adventurous and unglamorous life.

Gawd, I have so many burning desires right now that it hurts. Sometimes it's hard to see the big picture of everything when I'm so preoccupied with what is right before me.

Ah, the fucking reality of growing up.

Peace, Love, Ecstasy

I hold the little green pill in one sweaty palm and a bottle of water in the other. Through my four years of experience in college, I've learned my share of lessons. There is a difference in being reckless and being open minded. I was given the opportunity to try something new, and I took it. I was curious, and I wanted to satisfy my curiosity. The experience itself is a learning opportunity, and so why not learn from it. Doing so doesn't mean that I'm crazy, or that I'm stupid. Think whatever you will, but I am a responsible adult, and I can make my own decisions.

As we walked into the heated stadium that is Cow Palace, cigarette smoke clouded my vision. Nevertheless the intense flashing lights and laser beams peaked through, and the heavy electro beats surrounded the room. I grasped his hands and together we ran down to the center of the floor, where the mass of bodies congregated, moving simultaneously to the beats of the music. Despite the loud music, the heat, and sweat, I felt a sense of peace and euphoria. It was almost as if everyone there was on the same page, speaking the same language, moving the same way, and feeling the same way about our situation. It was some unspoken love that was simply understood. People would look at me and smile, and I would smile back. We didn't need to say anything to each other, it was all out there in the open.

I felt his hands interlock in mine as our bodies swayed and rocked to the music. I could feel his gentle breathe against my ears, and his hands running down from my sides and then gently resting upon my hips. I turned around and looked into his dilated eyes and I felt safe. I felt really really good, even though I've only known this guy for the past month. There was no doubt or fear in my mind what so ever; I knew he would take good care of me. I don't know if I've ever fallen in love before, maybe I have, maybe I have not, but whatever love feels like, maybe that was it. The feeling of complete trust and confidence in someone, and the complete comfort with such intimacy. The intimacy was not sexual or lustful, it was more like a mother gently touching her newborn or the level of intimacy shared between best friends. I'm not quite sure how to describe it. He grabbed my hands and I felt instant warmth radiating throughout my body. He squeezed my hands, massaged my shoulders, and my head. Every touch felt ten times more intense. I let my fingers and hands run wild. I touched everything, his hands, his hair, his sweaty skin, other people's hands, hair, and skin. I felt like I was a blind person on a treasure hunt, touching and feeling everything there was before me.

A few friends had light gloves and gave me a light show. That was intense. The LED lights on the gloves morphed together into a fluid strew of shapes, pulsating along with the music. The lights seemed to remain in air for a few seconds even after his hands had moved away, and I can feel my eyes flicker out of control.

Just like that, I spent nine hours of my life in a state of ecstasy. It was a feeling that I've never felt before, and I treasured every single second of it. Now the question is, how much of the feeling that I felt for you that night was real?

Twenty Seven

So what is this twenty seven, is it my age? No, I'm only 21. Is it my pant size? No, I wear a 26. So what is this 27? what significance does this number have? Why does it matter? Well this number is perhaps my life? A measure of my intelligence? 1/3 of the deciding factors of whether I'll become a doctor? DAMN this 27 means a lot, and it is a 27 that I wish I didn't have.

Really, I hoped to God that I would do better on my MCAT this time around. I came out of the test feeling so much better than the first time around. Yet, how did I do so bad. I'm not even exaggerating, I'm not hiding my score, a 27 is definitely bad, and I'm not even trying to be modest, not even in the smallest sense. When I saw this score on the computer screen, I felt like I had a near death experience. You know, when people see their lives flash in front of their eyes before they take their last breath. Yah, it was kind of like that. Flashes of everything that I've worked so hard for, everything that I envisioned to be flew before my eyes, and for a moment, I felt like I had no control over anything. So what do I do from here? What does this mean. Is it a sign that maybe medicine is not right for me? Is it a sign for me to go and try something else? Or does it mean absolutely nothing? That I just happened to take two bad tests? I don't know...

Honestly, I still don't know why I want to be a doctor. How can we ever know without actually being one. I feel like a lot of us go into this blindly because we just happen to like the sciences, and being a doctor makes the most sense. Well does it? Does it really make sense? I feel like I have so many passions in life, so many...if you read this blog, you would see and understand where I am coming from. Yet, I just happen to choose this one profession where it would force me to give up and sacrifice almost everything I am passionate about. But I always tell myself that I could be such a great doctor, and that I would be able to find passion in that and it would all be worth it. But how can I know for sure that this is what I'll find when I have no idea as to what it really means to be a doctor?

So which one is it. If I decide to stray from this path, will I be applauded for my courage to finally free myself from the pressure, the enticing aspects of prestige, respect, and money. Or will I be seen as the coward that just simply gave up?

Plan B, marry a rich guy.

I saw this guy on Telegraph the other day standing at the corner asking for change. I really liked the way he dressed/looked, so I asked him if I could take a picture of him. He said I could if I gave him some change. I gave him one of the Suitcase Clinic info cards and $1, and he gave me this.

I thought this was very interesting...the way the two guys are sitting are basically mirror images of each other. Everything is so symmetrical.

Work

Concluding the Berkeley Chapter

I took my last college final ever today. It was pretty unepic, a 1 hour "final" in Nutri Sci 10. I think finishing my MCAT was much more epic. Anyways, so I've been reflecting my past four years at Berkeley, and although there were many things I wish I had done, things that I wish I could change, overall I think I am very content with my college experience in Berkeley. I remember entering Berkeley as a narrow minded Freshmen who was unwilling to try anything new. Looking back, I was pretty pathetic. I think things really turned around when I got out of a long term relationship that simply just wasn't working, got a new set of roommates, met new people, and WABAM, everything changed. Now I can graduate and say that I definitely lived the college experience. Sure things got a little crazy, but I'm still alive, and my grades are not too shabby. What's crazy is not to live a little right? Seriously, we don't have a second chance to relive college, and college is where the majority of experiences take place, where there are trial and errors, ups and downs, successes and failures. If we didn't grasp that opportunity, we'll never get another chance.

Speaking about relationships...I don't know if being in a relationship in college is a good thing or bad thing. I'm still pretty torn about it. I know people who have been in one single relationship the majority of their college careers, for some, their entire college career. I feel like for many people, the way they lived college was pretty much dictated by their relationships. Sometimes when I have friends who get in a relationship, I'm happy for them, but at the same time, I'm a little sad as well. It just seems everyone becomes boring after they get into a relationship, and it seems like they age 20 years. Once people are in relationships, they prefer to sit at the corner of the room by themselves at a party, they prefer to staying in instead of hanging out with friends, they always get tired and leave early at events, and they are always together. Couples begin to be identified as couples rather than individuals. One person is always so and so's boyfriend or girlfriend. Sometimes it's as if they have separation anxiety if one is ever alone. If I ever get into a relationship and become one of those people, please, somebody grab me and smack some sense into me. But if I'm 27 and still single, someone smack some sense into me as well...lol. Seriously though, is it just me? Or does no one else notices this? Then again, who am I to look at other people's lives and judge based on how I would perceive them? How can I look at other people's lives through my perspective. Maybe for them, their college experience equals finding that one person they'll spend the rest of their lives with. Maybe they are perfectly happy, and they may look at my single life as sad, miserable, and pathetic. Well, what can I say, it is really none of my business. I guess sometimes I just want to be able to spend some time with my friends, without always feeling like the third wheel.

I definitely feel like I've grown a lot as a person at Berkeley. Lots of things await in the future, and I feel like I'm more prepared for it. So..this is the end huh? Yuppp

The Street

So I was just thinking of things I should do over the summer, and finally I decided to sign up for a urban photography class. I am actually pretty excited about it. For the past two years that I've been into photography, my main focus has been fashion and portraits...now that I think about it, they are all kind of superficial. I don't mean to make it sound bad, perhaps the term superficial is not the right word choice. I mean I absolutely LOVE fashion and portrait photography, and I will continue to do fashion and portrait photography, but I just think it is time to take things to another level and experiment with a new genre of photography. This whole urban/street feel is appealing to me a lot right now. The fact that it is so carefree and unrestricted, even blurry, over and under exposed pictures can be interesting! I'm excited. YEUH

Recap

It's been awhile since I wrote in this thing. I feel like I should've written something after I finished my MCAT, but at the time, I felt like MCAT consumed so much of me that I just didn't even want to talk or think about it anymore.

Anyways, as my college career comes to a close, it really doesn't feel much like an ending. This is not the end, so yeah, I don't feel emotional, then again, maybe it's because I'm not good with emotions. Just because I'm not showing it, doesn't mean I don't feel it or think about it.

For some reason, I just feel really happy and content right now. Honestly, I don't even know what there is to be happy about. It's not like I landed some awesome job or achieved something great. Nevertheless, I just feel very happy and content. I think I spent so much of my four years looking and searching for something and always fearing that I'll never be able to find it. Mostly, I have come to terms with the way I am, the way others are, and the way things turned out. I am very content right now with some good music and good company. Haha

More reflections later.

Identity

Identity. What is our identity? It is how we define ourselves, it is how others define ourselves. We have become so enamored with our own identities that it has almost become the "focus" of our existence; it dictates our thoughts, opinions, and actions. For people who suffers from an identity crisis, we see them as someone who is still unsure of themselves and unsure of their purpose/role in life.

With that being said, identity seems like such an abstract idea. It is not really anything concrete. Yet, as a recent victim of identity theft, I've become aware of how much of our identities are actually based on very actual concrete materials. My identity has been simplified to just a name, a number, an address, a signature, a card. Things that can very easily be taken on by someone else. My identity seems so transferable. Anyone can be me. Still not a U. S citizen, my identity relies on one little card that is my permanent resident card. Without that card, I am basically no one in the U.S. Can't find a job. Can't go to school. Can't do a lot of things. Basically I'll be an undocumented immigrant. If I go abroad, I won't be able to come back. Isn't that crazy?

Anyways, I guess that's just something I was thinking about when some random person made a card using my credit card number to purchase something in Hayward, CA....

Speaking of identity, I was looking at the Sartorialist blog, and the photographer took pictures of some of the street fashion in Japan. It is interesting how so much of the rest of the world is trying to emulate the ways of the West, including fashion. Yet, the pictures he took showed how distinctly unique the fashion is. Sure there are hints of Western fashion here and there, but it is still different, still has its own identity. I like it. I wish I was more fashion conscious when I went to China. Hopefully I'll get the chance to go to China again sometime soon!!

Muse Resistance Tour

EPIC. AMAZING. Just fuckin incredible. I wish I can relive the night.

Burden

why do we always put so much burden and pressure on ourselves. It seems like we've been raised with this mentality that we should always strive for the hardest, the most challenging, the toughest of everything that is in this world. We look down on people that take the easy way out, we see them as weak. If we didn't ace something, then we say we are failures. If we don't come on top when compared to everyone else, then we are just average, and average is simply not acceptable. I've always had this mentality, perhaps this mentality comes with being raised in a Chinese family, but now that I'm older and have more experiences, this mentality seems to have done quite a lot of harm. At the very end of the day, what is more important? Who are the people that are more happy? It sure doesn't feel like it's us...you might be happy now, but for how long?

I've embarked on this journey as a pre-med student, and for the longest time, it is what I've always wanted, it is what I thought I've always wanted, it is what I thought would make me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile in my life, it is what I thought would make me happy. Yet, nothing else has ever made me shed so many tears, so many endless nights, and so much frustration. I thought I had what it takes to get through all of this, I thought I had the motivation and conviction to see this through til the end. Maybe I was wrong. When I bombed my MCAT, it really hit me hard. I felt like my self esteem and confidence went down the drain. Now I am desperately trying to pick myself up and trying to pick up the pieces, yet everything is just such a mess. I feel like I'm really losing it. Everyday is a constant frustration. Everyday is a constant reminder of my failure. There is so much pressure, so much pressure put on by me. I've made it seem as if my life depends on this one test. In my head, it's do or die. It's so much pressure that I don't think I've gone through a day without breaking down. I've become scared of the test, so afraid of failing again. The MCAT is just the first step to so many more obstacles, if I can't handle this, how would I ever survive 8+ years of med school?

I'm very surprised that my parents are so supportive of me right now. I don't think they've been ever more supportive. They say that they are proud of me even though I've failed the MCAT, even though I'll graduate without a job or any prospect of what I am going to do in the future. It is kind of funny actually, but it actually feels really good.

God, I just want to be liberated. I wish I have an idea of what I am going to do. I wish I can be assertive and make a decision.

I think I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to try my very very best to prepare myself for my April 23rd test, but without this tremendous pressure that I've been putting on myself for the past 2 months. If the test goes well, then great, if it doesn't go well, then great. If I don't do well the second time around, maybe it's a sign that I need to go and do something else. But hey, at least I can say that I tried my best and that I gave it my all.

Why does it feel like I've given up already? The prospect of letting this go hurts. It really hurts. But I think I really need to start changing my attitude for the sake of my well being.

It is time to just let it be, and maybe I'll be happier that way.

There is Love in You

I saw Four Tet at The Independent in Sf friday, and it was probably one of the best shows I've been to so far. It was just strangely awesome. I was introduced to Four Tet about a year ago, and when I first heard it, I wasn't too crazy about it, but then again, that was back when I still listened to a lot of rock. I'm really into his stuff now. Although Four Tet is electronic music, it is definitely not your rave/pop electronica. It is more abstract and experimental with a mixture of hip hop, folk, techno, and various other elements. His music is more mellow and trancy than dancy, so I wasn't exactly sure what to expect at his show, but oh man, it was pretty incredible. The music was so trancy and hypnotic, and the crowd was so sucked into the music, they looked possessed...bodies were shaking out of control, eyes were closed, some eyes were partially closed and eye balls were rolled back, and people had this weird/scary/euphoric simile on their faces. With the lights and everything, you really forget you were even there. I don't know if its the lights or what, but Kieran looked really scary. He has very sunken in eyes, and with the back lights, they look even more suken, almost ghoulish like. What can I say, it was strangely awesome.

Money's a bitch

Yeah, money is a bitch, as much as I don't want money to be a factor when it comes to making decisions, it ALWAYS is. I haven't had much luck in finding a job recently, and I am desperately in need of finding a job. I wasn't too worried at first because the post doc that I work with at research said I have a possibility of continuing in lab and work there as a lab tech. Well....after talking to the professor today, I think my chances are pretty much shot, all because I haven't taken immunology. FUCK...For once, I actually liked research, I actually liked working on something and seeing how it has the potential to apply to something greater. I was looking forward to continuing working in the lab and really get something out of it. I was actually excited. I wish I can stay as a student and continue working there, but even that has been denied. The dean won't grant me another semester or year. Now everything that I've done in the past four years comes back to haunt me. I regret staying in my previous lab for so long, when it was so apparent that I won't be getting much out of it. Now that I see how much potential there is at the lab that I'm currently working at, my time here at Berkeley is up. What a shame. It really is. Well, I guess that's life right?

As I was expressing concern for my job prospects to a friend today, our conversation just really really annoyed and irritated me. My friend is applying to med school this June, which means he will have a year off after graduation. When I asked him what he plans to do in terms of finding a job, he said that he's not too worried about it because his parents can support him. I guess I wasn't exactly bothered by that, but rather the way he expressed it. He said his parents make six figures already and they have no problem supporting him for a year. This is also coming from a guy that has never had a job ever in his life. After that, all I could think of was "what a spoiled little brat." Is it wrong for me to feel this way? Why does he even want to go to med school? Just so he can continue the family tradition of making 6 figures? Is that what is important? He says he has no idea what to write for his personal statement and why he wants to be a doctor. He felt like he hasn't gone through any hardships in life, that he's just always lived this privileged life and has never really experienced anything apart from that. Like god damn...isn't that the worst thing to complain about? Complaining about having too good of a life?? too much money? I don't know what to say to that.

I don't care how rich your family is, do you really want to rely on your parents for money after you graduate from college? What about independence and self sufficiency? So unattractive....

I use to blame my parents for everything, for putting me through so much shit, but you know, now that I think about it, if I haven't gone through those personal struggles, I wouldn't be the person that I am today. I have come to appreciate those struggles. I feel like my diverse experiences have given me a different perspective on people and on life. I've lived and witnessed life like it is lived by the bottom billion, and that has helped me develop so much respect and compassion for those people. Too many times I've seen people living their privileged lives and looking down at people who do not live such lives; there is no respect, no compassion, just contempt and sometimes pity. The privileged see the others as helpless, hopeless, and needing help from the privileged.

As a pre-med, I feel like many of us doctor wannabes have a certain image or preconception of what doctors should be. We have the image of doctors swooping down like a super heros, saving the lives of the poor and sick one patient at a time. Thus we always hear the cliche answers of, "I want to be a doctor because I want to save lives and help the people who can't help themselves." Even though there is good intention, I just feel like there is something wrong with this phrase and image. Even with good intentions, the division of hierarchy is clearly present here. Who are the saviors? and who is being saved? Who are capable of saving? and who isn't? Who is powerful? and who is not? The answer to these questions are clear.

So as pre-meds and doctor hopefuls. What should we say? How can we distinguish ourselves in this world that is preoccupied with money and power, and how can we not contribute to the prejudices and injustice that runs so deep into the roots of humanity. What do we do? What should we think? Where do we go from here? Somebody help me answer these questions.

Liberation

This past weekend I finally mustered enough courage to deactivate my facebook and uninstall my AIM. I was scared at first, because I felt like those were my two main sources of keeping in touch with people, a way to be in touch with the world and what is going on in other people's lives. I seriously thought I wouldn't be able to keep up with this, but it's been almost a week, and I feel more liberated than anything else. It's nice to not be consumed by all of this networking technology, and it is nice to not be preoccupied with other people's lives for once. I'm not saying that I don't care about other people's lives, but I think there is a point where only certain things should matter. By getting rid of my facebook and AIM, I have perhaps completely severed my ties with some people, perhaps completely gotten rid of the convenience factor with friends that were only friends out of convenience, but I guess I'm okay with that. Or am I?

By almost putting my social life to a stop, I know I have perhaps put many relationships to a stop, but I really really hope that is not the case, and I hope people don't see it as that. This is only temporary, and I hope people will understand.

Haha, well I just hope that I won't be forgotten in the next two months.

Leadership

I think many times we misunderstand the role of a leader. Whenever you want to prove your leadership experience on an application or whatever, I feel like sometimes we don't truly understand what it means to be a leader. Sure you are in a position where you get to call the shots, where you get to tell people what to do, where you overlook a bunch of other people, where you carry most of the responsibility, but is that what it means to be a leader? I've been in positions of leadership and in positions where I'm not. I hate it when someone think they are the leader and they take the reins on everything. They belittle other people's ideas, and they fight very hard to ensure their position, and they make it very clear that they are the leader and you are not. They rule with an iron fist. Are those signs of a good leader? Here is what I think makes a good leader. A good leader is someone that allows everyone else to exercise their own leadership. Does that even make sense? A leader is not someone that steals the spotlight from everyone else, but rather someone that allows everyone else to feel like they have something important to contribute. I guess a leader should really be a facilitator than dictator. I hate it when I have to fight with other people for the spotlight. It kind of reminds me of my TFA interview. Since it was a group interview, everyone was fighting for the spotlight, everyone was fighting to come on top as the leader. I know sometimes I don't show the aggression or the authority of a leader, a little too chill sometimes, but I don't see anything wrong with that. When I'm put in a position of leadership, I step up to the plate.

faith in humanity?

Last night was definitely one crazy night. I've never been in a situation where I had to help a friend who was completely incapacitated, and where I had to call out and seek help from complete strangers as well as other friends. I feel very grateful that complete strangers would stop to check up on us and to help us when we were unable to help ourselves, and I am very grateful for the friends that we do have that were able to come out and help us. I am so thankful that we have people that we can rely on and trust.

Last night we had a little too much fun at a party, and one of our friends had too much to drink. We were trying to walk home but our friend collapsed on the ground by the side of the streets. She did not and could not move, and we didn't know what to do. We couldn't lift her by ourselves and there was nobody else around. This one random guy passed by us and he said we must get her off of the streets before the cops see us. This guy literally grabbed our friend and lifted her up from the ground and moved her to the curb of the street. I don't know who this guy is, where this guy is from, but I can't thank him enough. All I thought about was how fucked we were and how in the world we were able to get home. I hate having to ask other people for help, I hate having to rely on others, and I hate having to bother other people. But we had no choice last night. There was no way in hell we could carry our friend back home, so frantically I thought of all the people that I know with a car and who would want to come out and help us. I called the first person I thought of, but in the back of my mind I was so worried that he wouldn't pick up or he wouldn't want to help us or he couldn't help us. We didn't know who else we could've called. If it wasn't for our friends that came, we would've been stranded out on the streets and our friend would've been in really bad shape.

What more can I say. I guess I'm just very grateful.

BLAH

Sooo....I didn't get Teach for America. What a BUMMER. This really really sucks. I actually kind of expected it, since the interview was horrible, but I was still just hoping maybe maybe things will work out and I'll get the position. Well, I guess I'm kind of used to things not going according to plan. Hah hah hah...This really sucks because I really put all of my hopes into getting TFA, and now I have no plans, I don't know anything else I can pull out of my sleeves, like seriously what the FUCK do I do now??? It is going to be hard to find a job with a B.A in MCB, we are going to be under qualified for a lot of healthcare/research/biotechnology type of work and over qualified for menial labor jobs. What do I do what do I do?? I'm not ready to apply to med school in June, which means I have to apply next June, which means I have TWO years after I graduate and before med school enrollment! Well there is the option of staying in my research lab and work as a lab technician, but I don't know if that is for me. Now I've got more shit to worry about upon this MCAT stuff. I guess I wouldn't be that worried if I didn't have $10,000 of loans that I need to pay off after graduation. GREAT

life crisis
job crisis
premed crisis
everyday is a crisis

Sacrifices

I am currently trudging through mountainous amounts of MCAT materials once again. It really pains me to have to go through all of this again. Sometimes when you are stuck on something for so long, and it seems like you are making no progress, you lose hope, you lose motivation, and you lose sight of the bigger picture. I am very very stressed out right now, and school hasn't even started. Just thinking about how I only have 2 months til my test date and how little progress I have made so far really makes me shake and tremble. I don't know what to do. I really don't. I just want to sit here and cry, but what good would that do. I want to give up but I can't. I am so scared of my future prospects, and I have never been this scared ever about anything. This type of fear is like no other, it's not the kind of fear you have when you are walking in the dark alley ways all alone, it's not the kind of fear you have when you are about to jump out of a plane. Those fears seem so physical and tangent. You are scared to DIE, you are scared for your LIFE. Yet the fear that I am currently having right now is so much the opposite, it is not physical, it is intangible, and it is abstract. Why is it that everyone else is doing so much better than me. Why do I feel so incompetent?

When I first got my MCAT score, I was devastated for awhile, but then I was so determined, so determined that I will work and pull up my score. Where is that determination now? Where is that motivation now? I don't know. It is hiding somewhere and I better find it FAST.

I've come to realize that this will be my last attempt at the MCAT. I simply just cannot and could not take it again. And so I will have to make sacrifices, and sacrifices that I am willing to make to do what I have to do. I am not good at multitasking, some people are great at it, but I'm not. I get very overwhelmed, and so I need to prioritize and I need to let go of things. I need to make sacrifices.

Day15

Day 14

I know I'm very behind on my project365, realistically speaking, sometimes I don't have time to edit the pictures and post them online, and sometimes I don't have my camera with me, and sometimes I just don't find anything inspiring, which is kind of unfortunate since the point of this project is to find something inspiring in everything. Anyways, I think I am going to try very hard to keep up with this project. I might be skipping a few days, but I'm going to do pick up from where I left off each time.

I went to Indian Rock today, and these pictures are taken with the new Canon 50D.

New Toy

Sooo I've been saving up for a new camera for about a year now, and after waiting and debating and researching, I decided to order a Canon 50D yesterday and then received it today! Woohoo for amazon prime! It's such a beautiful camera. It is bigger and definitely more professional looking than my Sony Alpha. I haven't taken it out for a test yet, haven't read the manual, so I have no idea how to work this thing! Even though I used my own money on this camera, I feel really really guilty. The camera is sooooooo expensive. It is the most expensive thing I've ever spent money on. Hell, it costs about two times as much as what I spent on my entire Sony Alpha equipments. I don't even have enough money for extra lenses, I can only afford one right now! Ahh!! Feel so guilty! I could use that money for so many other things, but I don't know, I feel like it's worth it. Plus, I don't really spend that much money on anything else. I think it's good to invest in a hobbie, the hobbie doesn't even have to be lucrative, it's more just for self satisfaction and self growth. Plus, if I keep this camera for a long time, it works out to be just a few dollars a day. Would be nice to earn a little extra money on the side with this baby too! Now I have two cameras...I think I'll feel a lot better after I sell my Sony Alpha.

Lies

Yet again, I am faced by disappointments, truths that have been kept secret for years, lies that have been used to cover up those truths. You know, I really believed you at the time, I really did. Or maybe, I just wanted to believe in it, however little sense those lies made. Yeah, I was pretty naive back then. I guess it's easy to tell the truth when you have nothing to hide, and hard to tell the truth when you do have things to hide. I don't know, maybe I just thought I deserved to know the truth, but then again, maybe you were just too scared and too ashamed. Then that is your weakness. That is on you. But it doesn't even matter anymore. Knowing or not knowing is not going to make a difference anymore. But I guess it's just kind of disappointing...haha story of my life

Day 5

Day4

That there is my sister, my adorable, annoying, bitchy, lazy, stubborn, loud, SISTER. She makes my stays at home an absolute hell with her demands and cries, yet each time I really miss all that when I am back in Berkeley. She always writes me little goodbye notes whenever I leave. It's so cute, but sad sometimes...haha I don't know, goodbye notes from anyone is kind of sad, it sounds as if everything is over. I'm going back home again this weekend! and so I'll see her again!

Day 3

Day2

Day1

Happy New Year! Wow wow wow, time goes by fast! Seems like I should do the whole reflections and resolutions thing, but I don't really have much to say about them at this time. Maybe I'm just content with the way things are, and if I'm not content with certain things, well I probably have expressed my discontent in previous posts, so there is no need to reiterate it here! With the new year, it seems like I'm getting closer and closer to reality and uncertainty, and for some reason, I feel like I've gotten use to it. I'm not freaking out so much, then again, I'm sure I'll freak out like crazy once next semester starts and graduation approaches. But there is no use worrying about that now. One thing at a time right? Let this new year be a good and exciting one!

And so I leave with the launch of project365. Hopefully I'll be able to keep up!!