faith in humanity?

Last night was definitely one crazy night. I've never been in a situation where I had to help a friend who was completely incapacitated, and where I had to call out and seek help from complete strangers as well as other friends. I feel very grateful that complete strangers would stop to check up on us and to help us when we were unable to help ourselves, and I am very grateful for the friends that we do have that were able to come out and help us. I am so thankful that we have people that we can rely on and trust.

Last night we had a little too much fun at a party, and one of our friends had too much to drink. We were trying to walk home but our friend collapsed on the ground by the side of the streets. She did not and could not move, and we didn't know what to do. We couldn't lift her by ourselves and there was nobody else around. This one random guy passed by us and he said we must get her off of the streets before the cops see us. This guy literally grabbed our friend and lifted her up from the ground and moved her to the curb of the street. I don't know who this guy is, where this guy is from, but I can't thank him enough. All I thought about was how fucked we were and how in the world we were able to get home. I hate having to ask other people for help, I hate having to rely on others, and I hate having to bother other people. But we had no choice last night. There was no way in hell we could carry our friend back home, so frantically I thought of all the people that I know with a car and who would want to come out and help us. I called the first person I thought of, but in the back of my mind I was so worried that he wouldn't pick up or he wouldn't want to help us or he couldn't help us. We didn't know who else we could've called. If it wasn't for our friends that came, we would've been stranded out on the streets and our friend would've been in really bad shape.

What more can I say. I guess I'm just very grateful.

BLAH

Sooo....I didn't get Teach for America. What a BUMMER. This really really sucks. I actually kind of expected it, since the interview was horrible, but I was still just hoping maybe maybe things will work out and I'll get the position. Well, I guess I'm kind of used to things not going according to plan. Hah hah hah...This really sucks because I really put all of my hopes into getting TFA, and now I have no plans, I don't know anything else I can pull out of my sleeves, like seriously what the FUCK do I do now??? It is going to be hard to find a job with a B.A in MCB, we are going to be under qualified for a lot of healthcare/research/biotechnology type of work and over qualified for menial labor jobs. What do I do what do I do?? I'm not ready to apply to med school in June, which means I have to apply next June, which means I have TWO years after I graduate and before med school enrollment! Well there is the option of staying in my research lab and work as a lab technician, but I don't know if that is for me. Now I've got more shit to worry about upon this MCAT stuff. I guess I wouldn't be that worried if I didn't have $10,000 of loans that I need to pay off after graduation. GREAT

life crisis
job crisis
premed crisis
everyday is a crisis

Sacrifices

I am currently trudging through mountainous amounts of MCAT materials once again. It really pains me to have to go through all of this again. Sometimes when you are stuck on something for so long, and it seems like you are making no progress, you lose hope, you lose motivation, and you lose sight of the bigger picture. I am very very stressed out right now, and school hasn't even started. Just thinking about how I only have 2 months til my test date and how little progress I have made so far really makes me shake and tremble. I don't know what to do. I really don't. I just want to sit here and cry, but what good would that do. I want to give up but I can't. I am so scared of my future prospects, and I have never been this scared ever about anything. This type of fear is like no other, it's not the kind of fear you have when you are walking in the dark alley ways all alone, it's not the kind of fear you have when you are about to jump out of a plane. Those fears seem so physical and tangent. You are scared to DIE, you are scared for your LIFE. Yet the fear that I am currently having right now is so much the opposite, it is not physical, it is intangible, and it is abstract. Why is it that everyone else is doing so much better than me. Why do I feel so incompetent?

When I first got my MCAT score, I was devastated for awhile, but then I was so determined, so determined that I will work and pull up my score. Where is that determination now? Where is that motivation now? I don't know. It is hiding somewhere and I better find it FAST.

I've come to realize that this will be my last attempt at the MCAT. I simply just cannot and could not take it again. And so I will have to make sacrifices, and sacrifices that I am willing to make to do what I have to do. I am not good at multitasking, some people are great at it, but I'm not. I get very overwhelmed, and so I need to prioritize and I need to let go of things. I need to make sacrifices.

Day15

Day 14

I know I'm very behind on my project365, realistically speaking, sometimes I don't have time to edit the pictures and post them online, and sometimes I don't have my camera with me, and sometimes I just don't find anything inspiring, which is kind of unfortunate since the point of this project is to find something inspiring in everything. Anyways, I think I am going to try very hard to keep up with this project. I might be skipping a few days, but I'm going to do pick up from where I left off each time.

I went to Indian Rock today, and these pictures are taken with the new Canon 50D.

New Toy

Sooo I've been saving up for a new camera for about a year now, and after waiting and debating and researching, I decided to order a Canon 50D yesterday and then received it today! Woohoo for amazon prime! It's such a beautiful camera. It is bigger and definitely more professional looking than my Sony Alpha. I haven't taken it out for a test yet, haven't read the manual, so I have no idea how to work this thing! Even though I used my own money on this camera, I feel really really guilty. The camera is sooooooo expensive. It is the most expensive thing I've ever spent money on. Hell, it costs about two times as much as what I spent on my entire Sony Alpha equipments. I don't even have enough money for extra lenses, I can only afford one right now! Ahh!! Feel so guilty! I could use that money for so many other things, but I don't know, I feel like it's worth it. Plus, I don't really spend that much money on anything else. I think it's good to invest in a hobbie, the hobbie doesn't even have to be lucrative, it's more just for self satisfaction and self growth. Plus, if I keep this camera for a long time, it works out to be just a few dollars a day. Would be nice to earn a little extra money on the side with this baby too! Now I have two cameras...I think I'll feel a lot better after I sell my Sony Alpha.

Lies

Yet again, I am faced by disappointments, truths that have been kept secret for years, lies that have been used to cover up those truths. You know, I really believed you at the time, I really did. Or maybe, I just wanted to believe in it, however little sense those lies made. Yeah, I was pretty naive back then. I guess it's easy to tell the truth when you have nothing to hide, and hard to tell the truth when you do have things to hide. I don't know, maybe I just thought I deserved to know the truth, but then again, maybe you were just too scared and too ashamed. Then that is your weakness. That is on you. But it doesn't even matter anymore. Knowing or not knowing is not going to make a difference anymore. But I guess it's just kind of disappointing...haha story of my life

Day 5

Day4

That there is my sister, my adorable, annoying, bitchy, lazy, stubborn, loud, SISTER. She makes my stays at home an absolute hell with her demands and cries, yet each time I really miss all that when I am back in Berkeley. She always writes me little goodbye notes whenever I leave. It's so cute, but sad sometimes...haha I don't know, goodbye notes from anyone is kind of sad, it sounds as if everything is over. I'm going back home again this weekend! and so I'll see her again!

Day 3

Day2

Day1

Happy New Year! Wow wow wow, time goes by fast! Seems like I should do the whole reflections and resolutions thing, but I don't really have much to say about them at this time. Maybe I'm just content with the way things are, and if I'm not content with certain things, well I probably have expressed my discontent in previous posts, so there is no need to reiterate it here! With the new year, it seems like I'm getting closer and closer to reality and uncertainty, and for some reason, I feel like I've gotten use to it. I'm not freaking out so much, then again, I'm sure I'll freak out like crazy once next semester starts and graduation approaches. But there is no use worrying about that now. One thing at a time right? Let this new year be a good and exciting one!

And so I leave with the launch of project365. Hopefully I'll be able to keep up!!