why do we always put so much burden and pressure on ourselves. It seems like we've been raised with this mentality that we should always strive for the hardest, the most challenging, the toughest of everything that is in this world. We look down on people that take the easy way out, we see them as weak. If we didn't ace something, then we say we are failures. If we don't come on top when compared to everyone else, then we are just average, and average is simply not acceptable. I've always had this mentality, perhaps this mentality comes with being raised in a Chinese family, but now that I'm older and have more experiences, this mentality seems to have done quite a lot of harm. At the very end of the day, what is more important? Who are the people that are more happy? It sure doesn't feel like it's us...you might be happy now, but for how long?
I've embarked on this journey as a pre-med student, and for the longest time, it is what I've always wanted, it is what I thought I've always wanted, it is what I thought would make me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile in my life, it is what I thought would make me happy. Yet, nothing else has ever made me shed so many tears, so many endless nights, and so much frustration. I thought I had what it takes to get through all of this, I thought I had the motivation and conviction to see this through til the end. Maybe I was wrong. When I bombed my MCAT, it really hit me hard. I felt like my self esteem and confidence went down the drain. Now I am desperately trying to pick myself up and trying to pick up the pieces, yet everything is just such a mess. I feel like I'm really losing it. Everyday is a constant frustration. Everyday is a constant reminder of my failure. There is so much pressure, so much pressure put on by me. I've made it seem as if my life depends on this one test. In my head, it's do or die. It's so much pressure that I don't think I've gone through a day without breaking down. I've become scared of the test, so afraid of failing again. The MCAT is just the first step to so many more obstacles, if I can't handle this, how would I ever survive 8+ years of med school?
I'm very surprised that my parents are so supportive of me right now. I don't think they've been ever more supportive. They say that they are proud of me even though I've failed the MCAT, even though I'll graduate without a job or any prospect of what I am going to do in the future. It is kind of funny actually, but it actually feels really good.
God, I just want to be liberated. I wish I have an idea of what I am going to do. I wish I can be assertive and make a decision.
I think I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to try my very very best to prepare myself for my April 23rd test, but without this tremendous pressure that I've been putting on myself for the past 2 months. If the test goes well, then great, if it doesn't go well, then great. If I don't do well the second time around, maybe it's a sign that I need to go and do something else. But hey, at least I can say that I tried my best and that I gave it my all.
Why does it feel like I've given up already? The prospect of letting this go hurts. It really hurts. But I think I really need to start changing my attitude for the sake of my well being.
It is time to just let it be, and maybe I'll be happier that way.
