Twenty Seven

So what is this twenty seven, is it my age? No, I'm only 21. Is it my pant size? No, I wear a 26. So what is this 27? what significance does this number have? Why does it matter? Well this number is perhaps my life? A measure of my intelligence? 1/3 of the deciding factors of whether I'll become a doctor? DAMN this 27 means a lot, and it is a 27 that I wish I didn't have.

Really, I hoped to God that I would do better on my MCAT this time around. I came out of the test feeling so much better than the first time around. Yet, how did I do so bad. I'm not even exaggerating, I'm not hiding my score, a 27 is definitely bad, and I'm not even trying to be modest, not even in the smallest sense. When I saw this score on the computer screen, I felt like I had a near death experience. You know, when people see their lives flash in front of their eyes before they take their last breath. Yah, it was kind of like that. Flashes of everything that I've worked so hard for, everything that I envisioned to be flew before my eyes, and for a moment, I felt like I had no control over anything. So what do I do from here? What does this mean. Is it a sign that maybe medicine is not right for me? Is it a sign for me to go and try something else? Or does it mean absolutely nothing? That I just happened to take two bad tests? I don't know...

Honestly, I still don't know why I want to be a doctor. How can we ever know without actually being one. I feel like a lot of us go into this blindly because we just happen to like the sciences, and being a doctor makes the most sense. Well does it? Does it really make sense? I feel like I have so many passions in life, so many...if you read this blog, you would see and understand where I am coming from. Yet, I just happen to choose this one profession where it would force me to give up and sacrifice almost everything I am passionate about. But I always tell myself that I could be such a great doctor, and that I would be able to find passion in that and it would all be worth it. But how can I know for sure that this is what I'll find when I have no idea as to what it really means to be a doctor?

So which one is it. If I decide to stray from this path, will I be applauded for my courage to finally free myself from the pressure, the enticing aspects of prestige, respect, and money. Or will I be seen as the coward that just simply gave up?

Plan B, marry a rich guy.