Muse

Growing up

2010-07-11T13:01:00.000-07:00

Growing up sucks. I guess I never anticipated how different life would be after graduation. Working full time is so draining that I feel like I have no more energy left at the end of the day. I feel like I'm busting my ass just so I can put a roof over my head, food in my stomach, gas in my car, etc. Post graduation, it just seems like all my decisions have been made around making money and supporting myself. I find myself applying to biotech/research jobs because I know they pay more than teaching. So what about teaching? What happened to that? I guess I never noticed how much money is an issue until now. A part of me just want to follow the traditional route of graduating from college, go to med school, find a job, and just live a slow, stable, normal life. Yet, slowly, I feel like I'm drifting further and further away from my plans. To tell you the truth, I don't even know what the plan is anymore. Another part of me just want to go somewhere on my own for a bit, do a little bit of teaching, a little bit of art, a little bit of everything. Yup...the life of a bum. Kind of appealing doesn't it? The adventurous and unglamorous life.

Gawd, I have so many burning desires right now that it hurts. Sometimes it's hard to see the big picture of everything when I'm so preoccupied with what is right before me.

Ah, the fucking reality of growing up.

Peace, Love, Ecstasy

2010-06-05T00:53:00.000-07:00

I hold the little green pill in one sweaty palm and a bottle of water in the other. Through my four years of experience in college, I've learned my share of lessons. There is a difference in being reckless and being open minded. I was given the opportunity to try something new, and I took it. I was curious, and I wanted to satisfy my curiosity. The experience itself is a learning opportunity, and so why not learn from it. Doing so doesn't mean that I'm crazy, or that I'm stupid. Think whatever you will, but I am a responsible adult, and I can make my own decisions.

As we walked into the heated stadium that is Cow Palace, cigarette smoke clouded my vision. Nevertheless the intense flashing lights and laser beams peaked through, and the heavy electro beats surrounded the room. I grasped his hands and together we ran down to the center of the floor, where the mass of bodies congregated, moving simultaneously to the beats of the music. Despite the loud music, the heat, and sweat, I felt a sense of peace and euphoria. It was almost as if everyone there was on the same page, speaking the same language, moving the same way, and feeling the same way about our situation. It was some unspoken love that was simply understood. People would look at me and smile, and I would smile back. We didn't need to say anything to each other, it was all out there in the open.

I felt his hands interlock in mine as our bodies swayed and rocked to the music. I could feel his gentle breathe against my ears, and his hands running down from my sides and then gently resting upon my hips. I turned around and looked into his dilated eyes and I felt safe. I felt really really good, even though I've only known this guy for the past month. There was no doubt or fear in my mind what so ever; I knew he would take good care of me. I don't know if I've ever fallen in love before, maybe I have, maybe I have not, but whatever love feels like, maybe that was it. The feeling of complete trust and confidence in someone, and the complete comfort with such intimacy. The intimacy was not sexual or lustful, it was more like a mother gently touching her newborn or the level of intimacy shared between best friends. I'm not quite sure how to describe it. He grabbed my hands and I felt instant warmth radiating throughout my body. He squeezed my hands, massaged my shoulders, and my head. Every touch felt ten times more intense. I let my fingers and hands run wild. I touched everything, his hands, his hair, his sweaty skin, other people's hands, hair, and skin. I felt like I was a blind person on a treasure hunt, touching and feeling everything there was before me.

A few friends had light gloves and gave me a light show. That was intense. The LED lights on the gloves morphed together into a fluid strew of shapes, pulsating along with the music. The lights seemed to remain in air for a few seconds even after his hands had moved away, and I can feel my eyes flicker out of control.

Just like that, I spent nine hours of my life in a state of ecstasy. It was a feeling that I've never felt before, and I treasured every single second of it. Now the question is, how much of the feeling that I felt for you that night was real?

Twenty Seven

2010-05-26T00:42:00.000-07:00

So what is this twenty seven, is it my age? No, I'm only 21. Is it my pant size? No, I wear a 26. So what is this 27? what significance does this number have? Why does it matter? Well this number is perhaps my life? A measure of my intelligence? 1/3 of the deciding factors of whether I'll become a doctor? DAMN this 27 means a lot, and it is a 27 that I wish I didn't have.

Really, I hoped to God that I would do better on my MCAT this time around. I came out of the test feeling so much better than the first time around. Yet, how did I do so bad. I'm not even exaggerating, I'm not hiding my score, a 27 is definitely bad, and I'm not even trying to be modest, not even in the smallest sense. When I saw this score on the computer screen, I felt like I had a near death experience. You know, when people see their lives flash in front of their eyes before they take their last breath. Yah, it was kind of like that. Flashes of everything that I've worked so hard for, everything that I envisioned to be flew before my eyes, and for a moment, I felt like I had no control over anything. So what do I do from here? What does this mean. Is it a sign that maybe medicine is not right for me? Is it a sign for me to go and try something else? Or does it mean absolutely nothing? That I just happened to take two bad tests? I don't know...

Honestly, I still don't know why I want to be a doctor. How can we ever know without actually being one. I feel like a lot of us go into this blindly because we just happen to like the sciences, and being a doctor makes the most sense. Well does it? Does it really make sense? I feel like I have so many passions in life, so many...if you read this blog, you would see and understand where I am coming from. Yet, I just happen to choose this one profession where it would force me to give up and sacrifice almost everything I am passionate about. But I always tell myself that I could be such a great doctor, and that I would be able to find passion in that and it would all be worth it. But how can I know for sure that this is what I'll find when I have no idea as to what it really means to be a doctor?

So which one is it. If I decide to stray from this path, will I be applauded for my courage to finally free myself from the pressure, the enticing aspects of prestige, respect, and money. Or will I be seen as the coward that just simply gave up?

Plan B, marry a rich guy.

2010-05-17T22:27:00.000-07:00

I saw this guy on Telegraph the other day standing at the corner asking for change. I really liked the way he dressed/looked, so I asked him if I could take a picture of him. He said I could if I gave him some change. I gave him one of the Suitcase Clinic info cards and $1, and he gave me this.

I thought this was very interesting...the way the two guys are sitting are basically mirror images of each other. Everything is so symmetrical.

Work

2010-05-13T09:45:00.000-07:00

Concluding the Berkeley Chapter

2010-05-11T18:03:00.001-07:00

I took my last college final ever today. It was pretty unepic, a 1 hour "final" in Nutri Sci 10. I think finishing my MCAT was much more epic. Anyways, so I've been reflecting my past four years at Berkeley, and although there were many things I wish I had done, things that I wish I could change, overall I think I am very content with my college experience in Berkeley. I remember entering Berkeley as a narrow minded Freshmen who was unwilling to try anything new. Looking back, I was pretty pathetic. I think things really turned around when I got out of a long term relationship that simply just wasn't working, got a new set of roommates, met new people, and WABAM, everything changed. Now I can graduate and say that I definitely lived the college experience. Sure things got a little crazy, but I'm still alive, and my grades are not too shabby. What's crazy is not to live a little right? Seriously, we don't have a second chance to relive college, and college is where the majority of experiences take place, where there are trial and errors, ups and downs, successes and failures. If we didn't grasp that opportunity, we'll never get another chance.

Speaking about relationships...I don't know if being in a relationship in college is a good thing or bad thing. I'm still pretty torn about it. I know people who have been in one single relationship the majority of their college careers, for some, their entire college career. I feel like for many people, the way they lived college was pretty much dictated by their relationships. Sometimes when I have friends who get in a relationship, I'm happy for them, but at the same time, I'm a little sad as well. It just seems everyone becomes boring after they get into a relationship, and it seems like they age 20 years. Once people are in relationships, they prefer to sit at the corner of the room by themselves at a party, they prefer to staying in instead of hanging out with friends, they always get tired and leave early at events, and they are always together. Couples begin to be identified as couples rather than individuals. One person is always so and so's boyfriend or girlfriend. Sometimes it's as if they have separation anxiety if one is ever alone. If I ever get into a relationship and become one of those people, please, somebody grab me and smack some sense into me. But if I'm 27 and still single, someone smack some sense into me as well...lol. Seriously though, is it just me? Or does no one else notices this? Then again, who am I to look at other people's lives and judge based on how I would perceive them? How can I look at other people's lives through my perspective. Maybe for them, their college experience equals finding that one person they'll spend the rest of their lives with. Maybe they are perfectly happy, and they may look at my single life as sad, miserable, and pathetic. Well, what can I say, it is really none of my business. I guess sometimes I just want to be able to spend some time with my friends, without always feeling like the third wheel.

I definitely feel like I've grown a lot as a person at Berkeley. Lots of things await in the future, and I feel like I'm more prepared for it. So..this is the end huh? Yuppp

The Street

2010-05-09T23:23:00.000-07:00

So I was just thinking of things I should do over the summer, and finally I decided to sign up for a urban photography class. I am actually pretty excited about it. For the past two years that I've been into photography, my main focus has been fashion and portraits...now that I think about it, they are all kind of superficial. I don't mean to make it sound bad, perhaps the term superficial is not the right word choice. I mean I absolutely LOVE fashion and portrait photography, and I will continue to do fashion and portrait photography, but I just think it is time to take things to another level and experiment with a new genre of photography. This whole urban/street feel is appealing to me a lot right now. The fact that it is so carefree and unrestricted, even blurry, over and under exposed pictures can be interesting! I'm excited. YEUH

Recap

2010-05-08T17:25:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I wrote in this thing. I feel like I should've written something after I finished my MCAT, but at the time, I felt like MCAT consumed so much of me that I just didn't even want to talk or think about it anymore.

Anyways, as my college career comes to a close, it really doesn't feel much like an ending. This is not the end, so yeah, I don't feel emotional, then again, maybe it's because I'm not good with emotions. Just because I'm not showing it, doesn't mean I don't feel it or think about it.

For some reason, I just feel really happy and content right now. Honestly, I don't even know what there is to be happy about. It's not like I landed some awesome job or achieved something great. Nevertheless, I just feel very happy and content. I think I spent so much of my four years looking and searching for something and always fearing that I'll never be able to find it. Mostly, I have come to terms with the way I am, the way others are, and the way things turned out. I am very content right now with some good music and good company. Haha

More reflections later.

Identity

2010-04-21T14:58:00.001-07:00

Identity. What is our identity? It is how we define ourselves, it is how others define ourselves. We have become so enamored with our own identities that it has almost become the "focus" of our existence; it dictates our thoughts, opinions, and actions. For people who suffers from an identity crisis, we see them as someone who is still unsure of themselves and unsure of their purpose/role in life.

With that being said, identity seems like such an abstract idea. It is not really anything concrete. Yet, as a recent victim of identity theft, I've become aware of how much of our identities are actually based on very actual concrete materials. My identity has been simplified to just a name, a number, an address, a signature, a card. Things that can very easily be taken on by someone else. My identity seems so transferable. Anyone can be me. Still not a U. S citizen, my identity relies on one little card that is my permanent resident card. Without that card, I am basically no one in the U.S. Can't find a job. Can't go to school. Can't do a lot of things. Basically I'll be an undocumented immigrant. If I go abroad, I won't be able to come back. Isn't that crazy?

Anyways, I guess that's just something I was thinking about when some random person made a card using my credit card number to purchase something in Hayward, CA....

Speaking of identity, I was looking at the Sartorialist blog, and the photographer took pictures of some of the street fashion in Japan. It is interesting how so much of the rest of the world is trying to emulate the ways of the West, including fashion. Yet, the pictures he took showed how distinctly unique the fashion is. Sure there are hints of Western fashion here and there, but it is still different, still has its own identity. I like it. I wish I was more fashion conscious when I went to China. Hopefully I'll get the chance to go to China again sometime soon!!

Muse Resistance Tour

2010-04-17T09:09:00.000-07:00

EPIC. AMAZING. Just fuckin incredible. I wish I can relive the night.

Burden

2010-03-19T21:12:00.000-07:00

why do we always put so much burden and pressure on ourselves. It seems like we've been raised with this mentality that we should always strive for the hardest, the most challenging, the toughest of everything that is in this world. We look down on people that take the easy way out, we see them as weak. If we didn't ace something, then we say we are failures. If we don't come on top when compared to everyone else, then we are just average, and average is simply not acceptable. I've always had this mentality, perhaps this mentality comes with being raised in a Chinese family, but now that I'm older and have more experiences, this mentality seems to have done quite a lot of harm. At the very end of the day, what is more important? Who are the people that are more happy? It sure doesn't feel like it's us...you might be happy now, but for how long?

I've embarked on this journey as a pre-med student, and for the longest time, it is what I've always wanted, it is what I thought I've always wanted, it is what I thought would make me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile in my life, it is what I thought would make me happy. Yet, nothing else has ever made me shed so many tears, so many endless nights, and so much frustration. I thought I had what it takes to get through all of this, I thought I had the motivation and conviction to see this through til the end. Maybe I was wrong. When I bombed my MCAT, it really hit me hard. I felt like my self esteem and confidence went down the drain. Now I am desperately trying to pick myself up and trying to pick up the pieces, yet everything is just such a mess. I feel like I'm really losing it. Everyday is a constant frustration. Everyday is a constant reminder of my failure. There is so much pressure, so much pressure put on by me. I've made it seem as if my life depends on this one test. In my head, it's do or die. It's so much pressure that I don't think I've gone through a day without breaking down. I've become scared of the test, so afraid of failing again. The MCAT is just the first step to so many more obstacles, if I can't handle this, how would I ever survive 8+ years of med school?

I'm very surprised that my parents are so supportive of me right now. I don't think they've been ever more supportive. They say that they are proud of me even though I've failed the MCAT, even though I'll graduate without a job or any prospect of what I am going to do in the future. It is kind of funny actually, but it actually feels really good.

God, I just want to be liberated. I wish I have an idea of what I am going to do. I wish I can be assertive and make a decision.

I think I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to try my very very best to prepare myself for my April 23rd test, but without this tremendous pressure that I've been putting on myself for the past 2 months. If the test goes well, then great, if it doesn't go well, then great. If I don't do well the second time around, maybe it's a sign that I need to go and do something else. But hey, at least I can say that I tried my best and that I gave it my all.

Why does it feel like I've given up already? The prospect of letting this go hurts. It really hurts. But I think I really need to start changing my attitude for the sake of my well being.

It is time to just let it be, and maybe I'll be happier that way.

There is Love in You

2010-02-28T08:41:00.000-08:00

I saw Four Tet at The Independent in Sf friday, and it was probably one of the best shows I've been to so far. It was just strangely awesome. I was introduced to Four Tet about a year ago, and when I first heard it, I wasn't too crazy about it, but then again, that was back when I still listened to a lot of rock. I'm really into his stuff now. Although Four Tet is electronic music, it is definitely not your rave/pop electronica. It is more abstract and experimental with a mixture of hip hop, folk, techno, and various other elements. His music is more mellow and trancy than dancy, so I wasn't exactly sure what to expect at his show, but oh man, it was pretty incredible. The music was so trancy and hypnotic, and the crowd was so sucked into the music, they looked possessed...bodies were shaking out of control, eyes were closed, some eyes were partially closed and eye balls were rolled back, and people had this weird/scary/euphoric simile on their faces. With the lights and everything, you really forget you were even there. I don't know if its the lights or what, but Kieran looked really scary. He has very sunken in eyes, and with the back lights, they look even more suken, almost ghoulish like. What can I say, it was strangely awesome.

Money's a bitch

2010-02-23T19:53:00.000-08:00

Yeah, money is a bitch, as much as I don't want money to be a factor when it comes to making decisions, it ALWAYS is. I haven't had much luck in finding a job recently, and I am desperately in need of finding a job. I wasn't too worried at first because the post doc that I work with at research said I have a possibility of continuing in lab and work there as a lab tech. Well....after talking to the professor today, I think my chances are pretty much shot, all because I haven't taken immunology. FUCK...For once, I actually liked research, I actually liked working on something and seeing how it has the potential to apply to something greater. I was looking forward to continuing working in the lab and really get something out of it. I was actually excited. I wish I can stay as a student and continue working there, but even that has been denied. The dean won't grant me another semester or year. Now everything that I've done in the past four years comes back to haunt me. I regret staying in my previous lab for so long, when it was so apparent that I won't be getting much out of it. Now that I see how much potential there is at the lab that I'm currently working at, my time here at Berkeley is up. What a shame. It really is. Well, I guess that's life right?

As I was expressing concern for my job prospects to a friend today, our conversation just really really annoyed and irritated me. My friend is applying to med school this June, which means he will have a year off after graduation. When I asked him what he plans to do in terms of finding a job, he said that he's not too worried about it because his parents can support him. I guess I wasn't exactly bothered by that, but rather the way he expressed it. He said his parents make six figures already and they have no problem supporting him for a year. This is also coming from a guy that has never had a job ever in his life. After that, all I could think of was "what a spoiled little brat." Is it wrong for me to feel this way? Why does he even want to go to med school? Just so he can continue the family tradition of making 6 figures? Is that what is important? He says he has no idea what to write for his personal statement and why he wants to be a doctor. He felt like he hasn't gone through any hardships in life, that he's just always lived this privileged life and has never really experienced anything apart from that. Like god damn...isn't that the worst thing to complain about? Complaining about having too good of a life?? too much money? I don't know what to say to that.

I don't care how rich your family is, do you really want to rely on your parents for money after you graduate from college? What about independence and self sufficiency? So unattractive....

I use to blame my parents for everything, for putting me through so much shit, but you know, now that I think about it, if I haven't gone through those personal struggles, I wouldn't be the person that I am today. I have come to appreciate those struggles. I feel like my diverse experiences have given me a different perspective on people and on life. I've lived and witnessed life like it is lived by the bottom billion, and that has helped me develop so much respect and compassion for those people. Too many times I've seen people living their privileged lives and looking down at people who do not live such lives; there is no respect, no compassion, just contempt and sometimes pity. The privileged see the others as helpless, hopeless, and needing help from the privileged.

As a pre-med, I feel like many of us doctor wannabes have a certain image or preconception of what doctors should be. We have the image of doctors swooping down like a super heros, saving the lives of the poor and sick one patient at a time. Thus we always hear the cliche answers of, "I want to be a doctor because I want to save lives and help the people who can't help themselves." Even though there is good intention, I just feel like there is something wrong with this phrase and image. Even with good intentions, the division of hierarchy is clearly present here. Who are the saviors? and who is being saved? Who are capable of saving? and who isn't? Who is powerful? and who is not? The answer to these questions are clear.

So as pre-meds and doctor hopefuls. What should we say? How can we distinguish ourselves in this world that is preoccupied with money and power, and how can we not contribute to the prejudices and injustice that runs so deep into the roots of humanity. What do we do? What should we think? Where do we go from here? Somebody help me answer these questions.

Liberation

2010-02-18T20:56:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I finally mustered enough courage to deactivate my facebook and uninstall my AIM. I was scared at first, because I felt like those were my two main sources of keeping in touch with people, a way to be in touch with the world and what is going on in other people's lives. I seriously thought I wouldn't be able to keep up with this, but it's been almost a week, and I feel more liberated than anything else. It's nice to not be consumed by all of this networking technology, and it is nice to not be preoccupied with other people's lives for once. I'm not saying that I don't care about other people's lives, but I think there is a point where only certain things should matter. By getting rid of my facebook and AIM, I have perhaps completely severed my ties with some people, perhaps completely gotten rid of the convenience factor with friends that were only friends out of convenience, but I guess I'm okay with that. Or am I?

By almost putting my social life to a stop, I know I have perhaps put many relationships to a stop, but I really really hope that is not the case, and I hope people don't see it as that. This is only temporary, and I hope people will understand.

Haha, well I just hope that I won't be forgotten in the next two months.

Leadership

2010-02-13T10:16:00.000-08:00

I think many times we misunderstand the role of a leader. Whenever you want to prove your leadership experience on an application or whatever, I feel like sometimes we don't truly understand what it means to be a leader. Sure you are in a position where you get to call the shots, where you get to tell people what to do, where you overlook a bunch of other people, where you carry most of the responsibility, but is that what it means to be a leader? I've been in positions of leadership and in positions where I'm not. I hate it when someone think they are the leader and they take the reins on everything. They belittle other people's ideas, and they fight very hard to ensure their position, and they make it very clear that they are the leader and you are not. They rule with an iron fist. Are those signs of a good leader? Here is what I think makes a good leader. A good leader is someone that allows everyone else to exercise their own leadership. Does that even make sense? A leader is not someone that steals the spotlight from everyone else, but rather someone that allows everyone else to feel like they have something important to contribute. I guess a leader should really be a facilitator than dictator. I hate it when I have to fight with other people for the spotlight. It kind of reminds me of my TFA interview. Since it was a group interview, everyone was fighting for the spotlight, everyone was fighting to come on top as the leader. I know sometimes I don't show the aggression or the authority of a leader, a little too chill sometimes, but I don't see anything wrong with that. When I'm put in a position of leadership, I step up to the plate.

faith in humanity?

2010-01-31T15:49:00.001-08:00

Last night was definitely one crazy night. I've never been in a situation where I had to help a friend who was completely incapacitated, and where I had to call out and seek help from complete strangers as well as other friends. I feel very grateful that complete strangers would stop to check up on us and to help us when we were unable to help ourselves, and I am very grateful for the friends that we do have that were able to come out and help us. I am so thankful that we have people that we can rely on and trust.

Last night we had a little too much fun at a party, and one of our friends had too much to drink. We were trying to walk home but our friend collapsed on the ground by the side of the streets. She did not and could not move, and we didn't know what to do. We couldn't lift her by ourselves and there was nobody else around. This one random guy passed by us and he said we must get her off of the streets before the cops see us. This guy literally grabbed our friend and lifted her up from the ground and moved her to the curb of the street. I don't know who this guy is, where this guy is from, but I can't thank him enough. All I thought about was how fucked we were and how in the world we were able to get home. I hate having to ask other people for help, I hate having to rely on others, and I hate having to bother other people. But we had no choice last night. There was no way in hell we could carry our friend back home, so frantically I thought of all the people that I know with a car and who would want to come out and help us. I called the first person I thought of, but in the back of my mind I was so worried that he wouldn't pick up or he wouldn't want to help us or he couldn't help us. We didn't know who else we could've called. If it wasn't for our friends that came, we would've been stranded out on the streets and our friend would've been in really bad shape.

What more can I say. I guess I'm just very grateful.

BLAH

2010-01-21T21:17:00.000-08:00

Sooo....I didn't get Teach for America. What a BUMMER. This really really sucks. I actually kind of expected it, since the interview was horrible, but I was still just hoping maybe maybe things will work out and I'll get the position. Well, I guess I'm kind of used to things not going according to plan. Hah hah hah...This really sucks because I really put all of my hopes into getting TFA, and now I have no plans, I don't know anything else I can pull out of my sleeves, like seriously what the FUCK do I do now??? It is going to be hard to find a job with a B.A in MCB, we are going to be under qualified for a lot of healthcare/research/biotechnology type of work and over qualified for menial labor jobs. What do I do what do I do?? I'm not ready to apply to med school in June, which means I have to apply next June, which means I have TWO years after I graduate and before med school enrollment! Well there is the option of staying in my research lab and work as a lab technician, but I don't know if that is for me. Now I've got more shit to worry about upon this MCAT stuff. I guess I wouldn't be that worried if I didn't have $10,000 of loans that I need to pay off after graduation. GREAT

life crisis
job crisis
premed crisis
everyday is a crisis

Sacrifices

2010-01-17T19:27:00.000-08:00

I am currently trudging through mountainous amounts of MCAT materials once again. It really pains me to have to go through all of this again. Sometimes when you are stuck on something for so long, and it seems like you are making no progress, you lose hope, you lose motivation, and you lose sight of the bigger picture. I am very very stressed out right now, and school hasn't even started. Just thinking about how I only have 2 months til my test date and how little progress I have made so far really makes me shake and tremble. I don't know what to do. I really don't. I just want to sit here and cry, but what good would that do. I want to give up but I can't. I am so scared of my future prospects, and I have never been this scared ever about anything. This type of fear is like no other, it's not the kind of fear you have when you are walking in the dark alley ways all alone, it's not the kind of fear you have when you are about to jump out of a plane. Those fears seem so physical and tangent. You are scared to DIE, you are scared for your LIFE. Yet the fear that I am currently having right now is so much the opposite, it is not physical, it is intangible, and it is abstract. Why is it that everyone else is doing so much better than me. Why do I feel so incompetent?

When I first got my MCAT score, I was devastated for awhile, but then I was so determined, so determined that I will work and pull up my score. Where is that determination now? Where is that motivation now? I don't know. It is hiding somewhere and I better find it FAST.

I've come to realize that this will be my last attempt at the MCAT. I simply just cannot and could not take it again. And so I will have to make sacrifices, and sacrifices that I am willing to make to do what I have to do. I am not good at multitasking, some people are great at it, but I'm not. I get very overwhelmed, and so I need to prioritize and I need to let go of things. I need to make sacrifices.

Day15

2010-01-15T15:46:00.000-08:00

Day 14

2010-01-14T14:21:00.000-08:00

I know I'm very behind on my project365, realistically speaking, sometimes I don't have time to edit the pictures and post them online, and sometimes I don't have my camera with me, and sometimes I just don't find anything inspiring, which is kind of unfortunate since the point of this project is to find something inspiring in everything. Anyways, I think I am going to try very hard to keep up with this project. I might be skipping a few days, but I'm going to do pick up from where I left off each time.

I went to Indian Rock today, and these pictures are taken with the new Canon 50D.

New Toy

2010-01-13T20:53:00.001-08:00

Sooo I've been saving up for a new camera for about a year now, and after waiting and debating and researching, I decided to order a Canon 50D yesterday and then received it today! Woohoo for amazon prime! It's such a beautiful camera. It is bigger and definitely more professional looking than my Sony Alpha. I haven't taken it out for a test yet, haven't read the manual, so I have no idea how to work this thing! Even though I used my own money on this camera, I feel really really guilty. The camera is sooooooo expensive. It is the most expensive thing I've ever spent money on. Hell, it costs about two times as much as what I spent on my entire Sony Alpha equipments. I don't even have enough money for extra lenses, I can only afford one right now! Ahh!! Feel so guilty! I could use that money for so many other things, but I don't know, I feel like it's worth it. Plus, I don't really spend that much money on anything else. I think it's good to invest in a hobbie, the hobbie doesn't even have to be lucrative, it's more just for self satisfaction and self growth. Plus, if I keep this camera for a long time, it works out to be just a few dollars a day. Would be nice to earn a little extra money on the side with this baby too! Now I have two cameras...I think I'll feel a lot better after I sell my Sony Alpha.

Lies

2010-01-11T23:53:00.000-08:00

Yet again, I am faced by disappointments, truths that have been kept secret for years, lies that have been used to cover up those truths. You know, I really believed you at the time, I really did. Or maybe, I just wanted to believe in it, however little sense those lies made. Yeah, I was pretty naive back then. I guess it's easy to tell the truth when you have nothing to hide, and hard to tell the truth when you do have things to hide. I don't know, maybe I just thought I deserved to know the truth, but then again, maybe you were just too scared and too ashamed. Then that is your weakness. That is on you. But it doesn't even matter anymore. Knowing or not knowing is not going to make a difference anymore. But I guess it's just kind of disappointing...haha story of my life

Day 5

2010-01-06T21:27:00.000-08:00

Day4

2010-01-06T21:10:00.000-08:00

That there is my sister, my adorable, annoying, bitchy, lazy, stubborn, loud, SISTER. She makes my stays at home an absolute hell with her demands and cries, yet each time I really miss all that when I am back in Berkeley. She always writes me little goodbye notes whenever I leave. It's so cute, but sad sometimes...haha I don't know, goodbye notes from anyone is kind of sad, it sounds as if everything is over. I'm going back home again this weekend! and so I'll see her again!

Day 3

2010-01-04T12:13:00.000-08:00

Day2

2010-01-02T12:50:00.000-08:00

Day1

2010-01-01T10:46:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! Wow wow wow, time goes by fast! Seems like I should do the whole reflections and resolutions thing, but I don't really have much to say about them at this time. Maybe I'm just content with the way things are, and if I'm not content with certain things, well I probably have expressed my discontent in previous posts, so there is no need to reiterate it here! With the new year, it seems like I'm getting closer and closer to reality and uncertainty, and for some reason, I feel like I've gotten use to it. I'm not freaking out so much, then again, I'm sure I'll freak out like crazy once next semester starts and graduation approaches. But there is no use worrying about that now. One thing at a time right? Let this new year be a good and exciting one!

And so I leave with the launch of project365. Hopefully I'll be able to keep up!!

Christmas

2009-12-25T13:45:00.000-08:00

Christmas...Thanksgiving...holidays...I've gotten tired of them all. Tired and sick of celebrating days that really mean nothing. Days where we pretend to Americanize ourselves so that we can celebrate these American holidays. Days that only remind me of how my family tries way too hard to fit in. Days that only remind me of how my family is separated by the Pacific Ocean, and that through Skype is the only sense of connection that we ever get with our dad in China. It is these days where on our dinning table we have Costco premade roast beef and homemade chicken feet. It is these days where our formal dinning table gets used, and where my mom lights up these ridiculous chandelier candles trying to simulate "candlelight dinners," for just the three of us.... It is these days where we cook a turducken only to find it so dry that we have to dip it in homemade chinese spicy sauce in order to eat it...with chopsticks...It is these days that sometimes look pathetic, sometimes sad, sometimes happy, and sometimes quite funny.

Now that we have our own house, it seems as if we are one step closer to the all American family, or as close as we can be I guess. We now have a Christmas tree inside our house, and outside the house, we have flashing snowflakes and multicolored Christmas lights. Not to mention, we even have this ridiculous shiny gold metal angel statue thing....Who always gets decapitated whenever the wind blew too hard...talk about blasphemy...

I'm not trying to be bitter, aren't we all suppose to be jolly at this time of year? I guess all I'm saying is that I don't really care so much about these holidays and holiday traditions/rituals. My family isn't American, and we don't have to try so hard to be Americans. I don't really care. It just feels silly to try so hard to be someone we are not. I'm very happy to just simply be at home and hang out with my mom and sister, without all this holiday gibberish.

Then again, I guess I can't really complain and blame my mom. My mom is trying very hard to do all of this for my sister, to create this sense of family for her, however artificial it may be. To create a sense of normality, a sense of Americaness, a sense of ASSIMILATION. booyah. I think I'm done.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Project365

2009-12-20T22:51:00.000-08:00

With the start of the new year, I really want to take on a photo project, a project that hopefully I can stick to. I love photography, but it is a time consuming hobby, and with my busy schedule it is difficult sometimes to make time for it. Project365 is basically where you make the goal to take at least one picture every single day of anything that you want. This project will also allow me to slow down and take more notice of the things around me. I want to tie in my interest in fashion, so I think I will focus on street wear and portraits. This means I get to carry my camera with me everyday! I'm excited!

Let's BARE it all

2009-12-12T01:08:00.000-08:00

Wohoo!! The 6th issue of BARE magazine came out Thursday, and I made sure I got a copy of it!!! Here are some of the pictures from the coat photoshoot I did with them awhile back. Thanks to BARE stylists, production staff, models, and makeup artist.

Tweedy Bird: vintage tweed coat, Pretty Penny; Vintage patterned blouse; Black trousers, Pretty Penny; Ralph Lauren black oxford heels, Crossroads Trading Company.

In the Navy: vintage navy coat, Pretty Penny; plaid shirt, Pretty Penny; Pattern shorts, Sway; Envy yellow boots, Sway
All that Glitters Ain't Gold: Gold coat, Pretty Penny; Lush cutout shirt, Sway; black leggings, Urban Outfitters; Qupid platforms, Sway

Skywalker: Lilac futuristic coat, H&M

This picture didn't get printed, so I have no idea where the pieces are from.

Silence

2009-11-19T23:45:00.000-08:00

There is a point where you just don't want to try anymore. A point that you come across where you just want to give up. A point where you are tired of screaming above everyone else trying to be heard. A point where you are tired of opening up to people who just come and go. A point where you look at the past, and realize how much of a waste it all was. A point where you are just tired of trying to put back the pieces that are not worth piecing together. A point where you accept reality and become okay with it. A point where you realize that no one is going to care, and you should therefore stop caring. A point where you are sick of this precarious walk where you are still trying to figure out where you stand, what your place is, and what your role is in your own life but also in other people's life. Is there any significance at all? This is the point where you shut that open book. This is the point where you become silent.

I can't wait to go home, where everything is all taken care of, where everything is so much more simple. Even if it is just for a little while.

2009-11-15T22:38:00.000-08:00

Hello hello. It was another sunday for another photoshoot. The location was going to be the Berkeley Marina, but we missed the bus and got there kind of late. So we only had maybe 1 hr where there was actually enough light. This one guy was taking pictures of his kids, and he kept on yelling, "every second we waste, I am loosing precious light!!" I guess that pretty much sums up the shoot. lol
I had a lot of photos that I really liked, and I thought I would be able to fix the lighting later during post processing, but it really didn't work out. They were unworkable!!! I guess it's kind of hard to put details back into something that wasn't able to be captured in the first place. Ahhh, start early next time!!

Oh another thing, so I was going on to the BARE magazine website today, trying to find out when the next issue is going to come out, and then BAM the picture right on the front page of the website was MY PICTURE! hahaha, it was totally unexpected and kind of exciting!! Check it out!
http://www.baremagazine.org/index.html

China Fashion Week

2009-11-12T23:21:00.000-08:00

There is no reason why China can't also be the fashion nation of the world. Maybe the world is just not ready for it. By looking at some of the designs from China's Fashion Week, it seems like the designers are more focused on the artistic and creative aspect of fashion rather than practicality and wearability. Now nothing wrong with that right? Seems like Chinese designers are very conceptual, and they are not afraid to go all out with their ideas, no matter how crazy it is...check it out!

Doesn't this look kinda wrong? lol....
Iono about this one...looks kinky.....Darth Vader?

This is actually quite beautiful

Yeah, sure some of these pieces are crazy, but I mean a fashion show is kinda like a moving art display. I think some of those sculptural pieces are pretty dope. That's just my opinion.

upgrade?

2009-11-12T19:32:00.000-08:00

As I get more and more into photography, I feel like my camera is not giving me what I want out of each picture. It is not sharp enough, not fast enough, not vivid enough, etc. I feel like its dragging me and slowing me down. I started photography with a Sony alpha A200, my first DSLR, and it's my baby. It has served me well for a long time, but maybe it's time to start investing in a new camera, a higher end one. Man..photography is such an expensive hobby.

Canon EOS 5D Mark II or the equivalent Sony Alpha A900?
Everyone has a Canon, kind of makes me not want to jump on the bandwagon, and I feel like I'm kind of attached to Sony's now. Both are full frame cameras with over 20 MP. They would both literally run my computer to the ground.

Education and TFA, a critical perspective

2009-11-07T23:43:00.000-08:00

So I was talking to this friend of mine today about Teach for America and the America's education system. I was so inspired by his ideas and our conversation that I feel like I MUST do a post on this. As I mentioned before, I applied for Teach for America, and I am currently in the application process. The reason why I applied is because I am so passionate about TFA's philosophy. I believe in their mission to bring quality education to every kid in this country, regardless of where they are from, where they live, and what their socioeconomic status is. The mission is to break the cycle of inequality and poverty.

I know people who were or are currently in TFA, some loved it, and some hated it. The people who hated it is mainly because of how the program is runned, a lot of administrative stuff, but also because the people who are in it. At first, I didn't really care so much about that. The administrative stuff, I don't care about, what I care about is TFA's philosophy, and that is all that matters. If I am in TFA, I would be out there teaching math or science to kids who needed it the most, and really giving them a chance at success in life. That is my vision, that is my only vision. And I've come to realize that vision is oh so shortsighted.

After my conversation with my friend, he helped me realize a lot of flaws within TFA. I think I was so enamoured with the program, that I never really thought about it critically. The problem is so obvious, now that he pointed it out to me! TFA recruits rigorously at some of the best universites in the U.S., Ivy Leagues, UC's. Any top school you name, TFA has probably been there giving their little speech before class. If you listen carefully to their messages though, you'll realize that they keep on saying how TFA corps members have gone on to become strong leaders in healthcare, legal work, administration, government, etc. Never do they say corps members continuing in education and becoming long term teachers. So implicity, TFA is endorsing the message that teaching itself is not a viable or impactful long term career, but it is important for future doctors, lawyers, or politicians to understand the issue of inequality that is so pervasive in every field and every profession. Now that I think about it, I guess TFA's marketing strategy is a smart one, though not necessarily the right one. It would be complete suicide to go to an Ivy League school and try to get their graduates to become teachers working at some 30K salary. You really think someone who graduated from Harvard is going to devote the rest of his or her life to teaching inner city kids when he or she can bank over 100K becoming a lawyer, doctor, or a politician? And so TFA's marketing strategy is to say, "look, we know you want to become a doctor, a lawyer, a politician, and we are going to help you achieve that, if you come and teach with TFA for 2 years. It'll look great on your resume. You'll get what you want to achieve, and we'll get what we want. It's a win-win situation." Now that looks a lot appealing to an Ivy League graduate doesn't it?

So now here is the thing. Is it really TFA's fault for doing this? Or is there something wrong with our society and how the society perceive teaching as a profession. Why is it that TFA has to resort to this type of marketing strategy?? It's a cycle. Most people who graduate from top schools do not even consider teaching as a profession. #1, the pay is shitty. #2, there is not a lot of respect for teachers out there. So bascially nobody who graduates from a top school want to go into teaching, and so the quality of teaching goes down, America's education system crumples, less and less people going and getting into top schools, top schools quality goes down, everything falls apart, and we reach madness and chaos. Apocalypse.

It is a visious cycle. Isn't education sooooo important? Education is fundamental to everything else. If it wasn't for education, we wouldn't be sitting here doing our homework and going to class. We wouldn't be dreaming these dreams of becoming somebody great. We wouldn't be where we are right now. Hell, we wouldn't even be having this conversation or any intellectual conversation as a matter of fact if we weren't educated. And so, do you see the importance of education? And how can we even tackle the issue of global poverty if we are not educated, and if the rest of the world isn't educated. Do you see? So what do we do in our situation? So what does TFA do? I feel like TFA has no choice but do what it does to get high quality teachers. They know no one is going to want to teach long term, so they get them to teach for 2 years and offer them something in return. This is not the right strategy, but with our society right now, it is how it is, and it is fuckin sad.

My friend offers an alternative. I think it is very interesting.
He says that TFA should take its massive marketing strategy and volunteer force and turn it towards positive marketing for teaching as a profession, and enhancing teacher pay for potentially entry level teachers. Add a 10K or so to their salaries, making teaching a more attractive choice. As with gaining prestige and respect, first of all, I think its kind of messed up that teachers have to FIGHT to gain respect and prestige, considering how important they are to the fundamental well being of an individual as well as the entire country. Anyways, thats besides the point. There are many ways to create prestige, we can attach titles, make programs, scholarships, whatever, something.

So yeah, I thought my conversation with my friend was very insightful and very inspiring. As much as I agree with his anti-TFA sentiment, I don't think it is going to change my mind in the end. I still want to join TFA. I know that at the end of the day, my goal and dream is to become a doctor, and yeah, maybe you'll say that I am simplying using TFA as a stepping stone and a resume builder, but my passion for teaching and working with those kids are real. My motives are real. I love to teach, but I also love the sciences, the human body, and life. Why can't I have it all? Here is the kicker. If you look up the definition of a doctor in the dictionary, it says teacher. hahah funny huh? I think I found my match no?

10 things I hate about pre-meds

2009-11-05T23:21:00.000-08:00

1) person A took class X before person B. Person B asks person A for his/her old tests and notes, person A lies and says he/she doesn't have them anymore.

2) I was in the library one day studying for a midterm. I saw this girl next to me studying for the same midterm, but I saw she had a copy of a midterm from the previous year. I asked her where she got it, she wouldn't tell me.

3) Person A and person B finds the same research/job/whatever opportunity, person A tells person B that he/she is not going to apply, but then secretly applies.

4) Listing your some 50 work/volunteer/research experience on facebook, complete with project details about how you are saving the world one cancer cell at a time.

Okay, I lied, I can't find 10 things to write about. Well I guess it's a competitive world out there, and everyone is willing to do anything to get ahead. I just thought this was funny.

Lets skip step II and go to step III

2009-11-04T11:22:00.001-08:00

So...I was waiting to hear back from Teach for America today, to see if I got invited to a phone interview. When I opened my e-mail, they said they wanted me to skip the phone interview and go straight ahead to the in person interview!! OHH SHITTT....Looks like this is for real now! I am actually very nervous when it comes to interviews. I feel like I am much more eloquent in writing than in speaking. I've been to so many interviews, and so many failures....Sometimes there are so many things I want to say in an interview, but then I always forget during the interview, and then I remember them afterwards. Let's hope that won't happen this time around.

Step I

2009-10-29T21:43:00.001-07:00

I submitted my Teach for America application yesterday. It is the first phase of a long series of intensive selection process. I know that Teach for America is very selective, only about 17% of their applicants get accepted, and if somehow I fall short, it is okay, I just want to know that I tried my best. I really did put my heart into that personal letter, I just hope my passion and strong belief in their philosophy comes through in that 500 word essay. I hear back in a week with regards to whether I get a phone interview and advance to the next stage. Wish me luck!

Photoshoot

2009-10-20T23:12:00.000-07:00

This past Sunday I went on a photoshoot with BARE magazine for their coats issue. I was so excited when I got assigned to do this shoot, but it really just wasn't what I expected at all. I think maybe I'm just not used to doing this type of work, photographing for someone else and helping them achieve their vision. For all the photoshoots I've done before, I had complete control over the pictures. I direct the models, I choose the locations, it's my vision, my photos. But this time, it wasn't my vision, they are not my photos. It is someone else's vision, someone else's photo that I needed to produce. I felt like I had no say in the composition or style, and therefore completely lost my perspective as a photographer. I realize that it is not my magazine that I am shooting for, and they have a specific look that they want, and so I put my pride aside and was thus completely trampled over. The production team was not only directing the models, but they were also directing me. I was told how to compose the photo, what angles to shoot from, what the background is. It just felt really strange. I wasn't used to it at all. Even now that I look through all the photos I took, I don't really feel that sense of accomplishment with them. I mean there are a few good photos that I would definitely like to keep, but they just doesn't feel like my own. I felt like I didn't have as much input as I would like to have or normally would have. Also during the shoot, I wasn't really given the chance to interact with the models. The production team was talking to the models and directing them, and I was kind of left out there on the side just clicking away on my camera. Before, I always interact with my models. It just makes everything a lot more natural and fun. I really believe that subject and photographer interaction is very important.

Well anyways, it was definitely an interesting experience. I think I learned a lot from it, and it actually made me realize how much these little processes in photography mean to me, how much I actually value my own creativity and control as well as interaction with the subject being photographed.

I think you are pathetic

2009-10-18T21:05:00.001-07:00

Coats Shoot

2009-10-14T23:12:00.000-07:00

I've been photographing for fun for quite awhile now, and I really wanted to get into some serious fashion photography, but just never really had the chance to. I applied to be a photographer for BARE magazine last year, UC Berkeley's first fashion magazine, but they never contacted me for any shoots. I was just getting into photography when I applied, and I didn't really have that many great samples to show. So last Sunday, I decided to take the initiative to go to BARE magazine and apply once again to be their photographer, this time, I brought 10 samples of what I think is the best of my work so far. Then yesterday, they contacted me to do their upcoming coats shoot. WOO!! I love coats! So excited!! and a little nervous!! I went to their production meeting today to go over the schedule, shooting location, theme, meet the models etc. This will probably be the most formal shoot I've ever done. There will be a makeup artist to do the model's hair and makeup, and the clothes will be from local vintage stores and boutiques. I just hope that the clothes, location, and models are inspiring, so that I can really perform on this shoot. I am nevervous, since I am no where a professional photographer, but this is my chance! This could be my first step into the world of fashion photography! The shoot is on Sunday, and I am already looking around for techniques, tips, and inspirations.
Here are some photos I found that will be my source of inspiration. I really hope that my photography equipments won't limit me on Sunday.

Life Crisis

2009-10-13T23:29:00.000-07:00

As I realize that I will have my last Telebears ever next week, I am starting to have a life crisis. My life crisis also consists of a pre-med crisis that keeps on happening over again and again depending on what is going on in my life and my progress on the pre-med track, which by the way, I haven't really made much progress, sadly speaking. As of this moment, lots of thoughts have gone through my head, lots of worries, lots of confusion, and lots of insecurities. What am I going to do after I graduate? What are my chances of getting into medical school and actually becoming a doctor? Just thinking about these things are freaking me out and making me shit in my pants a little. Right now, I feel like I am trying to comfort myself by coming up with various plans as to what I can do in my 1 yr or 2 yrs off. Yet the plans somehow don't feel right, it seems like it is just a lot of plan B's for that one plan A.

Ever since my MCAT score was released, my parents said that it might be a good idea for me to start thinking about alternatives. But the truth is, there is nothing else that I rather do. Maybe at this moment, I don't know the answer to why I want to be a doctor, but I feel like there have been so many forces and events in my life that have changed me, shaped me, and motivated me towards this goal. I can't yet sum up the reason in a succinct essay, but hopefully soon I will. So no, I am not going to have a plan B.

I know my work ethics. There are times that I really don't care, but then there are those times that I care so fuckin much. I don't cry over B's anymore, that's because I've gotten use to it, I've accepted it, I've gotten over it. I don't get a second chance with my grades, so I am just going to do my best this semester and the next. I get a second chance with my MCAT, and I am damn well going to make the best out of it. I know my weaknesses, I know what I need to work on, I know what I can improve, and so yes I am going to work my ass off for it. Whatever it takes. However long it takes. Hopefully I will get to where I want to be eventually.

We all know shit happens right? But it can't happen all the time right?

Old

2009-10-04T20:48:00.000-07:00

Does it ever get old? Does it ever hit you that it is just the same thing over and over again and again? This shit just never ends. At this age, should we already be getting sick of life? When is it that the once exciting becomes the boring. I was looking for change, I found it, and then slowly it became just another one of those things that I check off on my To Do list. What do we do when we reach the bottom of that list?

I hit 21, it was an epic moment, for just a moment, a fleeting single moment. It seemed so significant, yet so insignificant. It was so hyped up, and thus so disappointing. Will I always be out looking for the new and the exciting? When will I be okay with living my life like an algorithm that never alters or wavers. I just don't want to hit that stage yet. What do you do when there is nothing more to look forward to? Maybe I shouldn't be running all the time. Maybe, just maybe, I should slow down and walk for once.

How can you stand and tolerate this monotoneity. Why do I say that I feel sorry for you, and that I will never become like you. But maybe, I'm really sorry for myself. You are the one that is happy with your boring life isn't it?

So I am going to try again, to prove you wrong.

I am a girl

2009-09-22T22:10:00.000-07:00

Once again, I got into a huge debate with my parents over the phone. I won't bore you with the details of the debate, because once again, it is regarding my decision to apply to Teach For America. I don't even know why they are getting all worked up on it, I have to wait til they accept me first. I really hope they do accept me. *crosses fingers*

Anyways, so the biggest thing that jumped out at me was something my mom said. She said, "Lisha, I don't know why you are making your life so hard. Why do you want to go on such a grueling path of becoming a doctor. It is really hard being a girl. You are trying to accomplish all these things, yet you still have to think about raising and taking care of a family." Then she went on saying that it would've been the best if I just find some easy and stable job and just settle down. I was very perplexed by her statement because all throughout my 20 years of life, my parents have done nothing but pushed me to succeed. They pushed me towards the sciences, pushed me to work hard so that I can go to a good college and therefore find a good job. They would never accept me getting anything less than a MD or PhD. They wanted me to become a lawyer, a doctor, or a professor. Yet going through all these years of schooling and pursuing one of those professions are not what I would call EASY.

So why did my parents do it? Why did they push me so hard when they believe that I should just settle for something easy and focus on doing "womanly" things. I decided to ask my mom, and guess what she said. She went, "well, you should get a good education so that you can get a good educated husband."
LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. WOWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
I was speechless. I could not believe that just came out of my mom. What century is she stuck in? So I guess according to her logic, I worked really hard in high school to get to UC Berkeley just so I can find myself some intelligent Asian Berkeley guy, or better yet, I should go to med school just so I can find myself some hot shot doctor. MMM..HAWT. I guess that was basically suppose to be my goal in life..........

I am always surprised to hear such old fashioned idealologies coming from my parents because the truth is, they are REALLY young, and I mean REALLY young. Compared to all my peer's parents, my parents are like still in their golden years. They got married when they were like 20 and had me when they were like 22. I'm just so surprised that their mentality is still so old fashioned, conservative, and traditional beyond belief.

My mom even used herself as an example. She said that she wanted to be a nurse, and even started taking nursing classes. However she decided on pursuing accounting because it was an easy and stable job, and she gets to spend time with her family. Okay, fair enough, that is what she wanted, and thus it suits her. For me, it is just seriously not feasible. I cannot imagine myself just sitting at home and be a house wife. Like oh em gee, I'll be the worst house wife ever, like seriously, I can't cook shit....but anyways, thats beside the point. Just because I am a girl doesn't mean I should be stuck in this one mold that society has created. And as the society changes, this mold for girls is constantly being changed. We see women nowadays in places in society that was never seen a couple of centuries ago. We see women having the knowledge and power that they can never even dream about before. Time has changed. Too bad that my mom can't change with it. But I can't be stuck in time like her.

I respect women who do want to fulfuill the traditional role of a mother, nurturer, and caretaker. Nothing wrong with that. If that is something they want, then hey by all means. Whatever floats your boat right? And just because a woman has a hard core job doesn't mean she can't also fulfill her role in the family just as well. I guess what I am trying to say is, if there IS something else that I want to do in life, me being a girl should not stop me from pursuing it. And yeah, I agree with my mom, it probably will be very hard, especially for a girl who has to have double duty, but who said life is always easy right? It is a challenge millions of women have taken and are willing to take, and it is a challenge that I am willing to take.

Another thing that popped up in my head is that at my math tutor training, all the math and science tutors were women. It wasn't on purpose, it is not like the supervisor only hired women. I just found that to be inspirational. Us women taking on the math and sciences. Way to represent right? I think it is wonderful. Not only are we helping students in the math and sciences, but we are also breaking down the stereotype that females are only good in the humanities and that males dominate in the math and sciences. I really do hope that we are a source of inspiration to these students.

oh yah, my mom also worries that if I do Teach for America, I won't be able to find myself an intelligent man.....LULZZZZZZZZZZ because apparently people who do Teach for America are not intelligent??? O.o?

Injustice?

2009-09-18T22:46:00.000-07:00

I think sometimes we don't realize how lucky we are to be students at Berkeley. We really do take it for granted. Yet just two blocks away from campus, at the Berkeley High School, there are hundreds of kids who probably will never have a shot at attending a school like UC Berkeley, or any other four year college as a matter of fact. Where is the justice in that? This is what I witness every single day ever since I started working at the High School as a math and science tutor. I love working with these students, but it is just so depressing sometimes. It is devastating to me that the future of these kids lie who knows where. I try to be as optimistic as I can when I am working with them, but the sad reality is, I know that they future is bleak.

What good can I really do? How much does my help really benefit them? Will my 2.5 hrs of tutoring every day turn their life around? I am always working with juniors and seniors who still have trouble solving a simple algebraic equation, who still don't know how to add and subtract negative numbers. As we go through the problems, I lead them step by step, I hold their hands, I guide them through so that we can eventually reach a solution. I put on a big ass smile, telling them good job, but deep down inside, I have this feeling that they won't be able to solve a similar problem on their own on a test. How do I teach someone how to graph a line when they don't know how to rewrite the equation into slope intercept form, when they don't know how to solve an equation, when they don't know how to deal with negative numbers, when they still have to use the calculator to just do 8+3? The problem stems back to the roots, before high school, before middle school, and even before elementary school. And why is it that these students are African Americans?

I've also worked with other kids who have an idea of how to do a problem. All they needed was maybe for me to lead them on the right track when they stray away. They can complete similar problems on their own, and I know that they are on the path to a great start. They dream of going to a UC, and I know for a fact that their dreams are within reach. Why is it that these kids are White?

At the end of each session, the students are always so grateful for my help. They even say that I teach better than their teachers, and that they will start to come everyday to my tutoring sessions. Hearing that makes me feel good, it makes me happy, but this is not about my ego. I am not there to help them so that I can feel good about myself, it is not about me, it is about them. I am glad that they think I am helpful, but how much difference can I really make just as a tutor? What does it say about the teachers at Berkeley High when the kids are saying that I teach better than someone with a teaching credential? The kids complain that their teachers don't teach them anything, just tell them to read the book and do the homework. Hmm...that sounds like college. BUT the difference is, these kids haven't established the self discipline needed to study and work on their own. This is not college where everyone is fully aware of the consequences of not working. Apparently the teachers also don't check homework for accuracy, so the students BS their homework all the time. Sure it's saving the teachers from having to read hundreds of homework every night, but aren't the teachers here for the students? What is wrong with this picture? How about hire a reader? Shitt, I'll work as a homework grader. How about just randomly pick 3 or 4 problems to check for accuracy so that the student will try their best on every single problem?

I think a major thing for these kids is that they have very little self confidence or motivation. But it must be so hard to have those things when there is barely any support figure in their lives. One student tells me that his teacher talks to him as if he's retarded. Like WTF? That is just so messed up. This is one of the reasons for their low self confidence. I think adults have already emphasized the importance of going to college to these kids, but the problem is, these kids don't know how to succeed or don't have the resources to help them succeed in their classes. Some of them have so much else going on in their life, stuff with family, friends, relationships, etc that it is just so hard to focus on school.

These kids realize and understand their situation because they express concerns about their future. They are worried, scared, feeling helpless, and some are quite emotional about it. There was one girl who is a senior at the high school. She is about to graduate, and she has no idea what to do. She wants to go to a UC, but she knows she has zero chance. Just listening to her makes me think about my own situation. As a senior at UC Berkeley, I am currently scared shitless regarding what I am going to do after I graduate. I fucked up my MCAT, I fucked up my GPA, I don't know what I am going to do with my life, but at least I am graduating with a B.A degree in MCB from Berkeley. This is how scared and worried I am right now, I just can't fathom how some of these kids are feeling. They are going to graduate from Berkeley High with no idea of what they are going to do, and barely any chance at going to college. I don't know what to say. It is the sad reality.

Man, I've always known and was aware about this inequality in education. I've always witnessed it, but I feel like it all just hit me SO HARD all of a sudden. I think a lot of people are aware of the inequality in education, but there simply isn't enough being done to fix this. The truth is, money and prestige does not come with becoming a teacher, especially becoming a teacher at high risk communities like the ones in the Bay Area. There is currently very little incentives for becoming a teacher. Sure people always say that they want to pursue a career so they can help people, but why do people always end up choosing to become a doctor? Or a lawyer? Or a professor? Sure these professions help others, but the difference between that and a teacher is the big cash stash and the prestige that comes with the package. Yet, do you ever question who you are REALLY helping as a doctor? or a lawyer? or a professor? As a doctor, you are helping people who can pay for your service. As a lawyer, you are helping people who can pay for your legal advice. As a professor, you are helping people who can afford and get into college. You are doing no other but contributing to this inequality. If there is no prestige or money associated with these professions, would you still do it? Of course there are many doctors and lawyers and professors who are out there to work with the underprivileged and underserved, but I'm just speaking generally.

This is the reason I love to teach. This is why I love to associate and interact with people that are ignored, shunned, and stigmitized by the rest of society. This is the reason why I thought about pursuing a career in teaching and to work for Teach For America. Yet my parents view that as a bad goal for me, that I will get killed teaching at high risk communities, that it will be a lost cause. It is mentalities like those of my parents that are the creator of this inequality and its persistence. Why not break down these social stereotypes?

I love what I do, and I am so fulfilled by every single second of it. Yet I am so torn between a teaching career and a career in medicine. Do they really have to be mutually exclusive? Is it possible to do both? If I choose to become a doctor, am I contradicting my own philosophy of combating inequality? Will I become a contributor of it? What will I choose in the end? Does money and prestige really matter that much? Does it really matter to me? Or does it only matter to my parents and the rest of the people that are in my life? But am I living my life for them? Or for me?

The question is, can I turn these kids' lives around? The answer is, I sure hope so.

Home

2009-09-14T22:26:00.000-07:00

I went back to home this weekend, a home that I've never seen, a home that I do not know anything about, a home that is in a town I've never spent a single second in, but nevertheless it is a place that I call home, and a place that my parents will call home for probably the rest of their lives. After over 10 years of being in the United States and building an entire life from scratch, my parents finally managed to save up enough money to actually buy a house. We moved out of Davis, a town that despite having spent the last five years in, we no longer have any associations with. My dad no longer works in UC Davis, I no longer go to Davis Senior High School, and my sister no longer goes to Willett Elementary School. My family has moved around a lot, from various places in China, to Georgia, to Delaware, and finally to California. Each time we go from one place to another, we go from one apartment to another. I got kind of used to this mobile lifestyle, but this time, it was really different. It was no longer just another part of our life on the move, it was rather a start of a more permanent and sedentary lifestyle. A lifestyle that I find new and strange. This time, it is not just a temporary settlement going from apartment to apartment, but into a house that they own, not rent, but actually own. This time, we no longer have to keep the majority of our stuff in suitcases just waiting for the next time we are on the move again.

I was excited to see the house. I decided to look on Google maps to see what it looked like before seeing it in person. It definitely is not a mansion, but it is also not tiny, it looks just the right size. It looks even better in person. It is a lovely house in a beautiful neighborhood in Elk Grove. The community is gorgeous, it has a lake, huge grassy parks, and from the looks of the houses in the neighborhood, it is definitely middle to upper middle class. Once again, quite a strange concept, to be part of a middle class neighborhood.

It was quite an interesting experience walking into the house and checking it out. All the houses that I've been to before are always other people's houses, and I always remember admiring those houses and wishing that I lived in them. But this time, instead of wishing that I lived in the house, I actually DO live in it. Well, not really, since I'm in Berkeley, but you get what I mean. I probably sound ridiculous right now, but the truth is, I've NEVER lived in a house the entire twenty years of my life, and I just can't get over how exciting it is. This past weekend, I experienced things that the majority of people have probably experienced ever since they were born, things that people probably never notice and take for granted. It was oh so sweet.

-Like omgg, a double door refrigerator that actually dispenses ice AND water!!!!
-Having a brand new set of furniture that actually matches
-Having a queen size bed in my bedroom. Even though the bed pretty much takes up all the space in the room
-having a ginormous backyard
-actually have grass to mow and bushes to trim
-having a garage
-since the house is so much bigger than what I am used to, it is so much work just walking up and down the stairs to get to the kitchen for water or food
-washing machine and dryer inside the house without having to use coins!
-having a dinning room AND a formal dinning room. Two dinning rooms you say? whoa!?!
-we can actually invite friends over to our house and not feel embarassed.
And the list goes on...

Even though I know I won't really live in the house much and therefore not really be able to enjoy the perks of living in a house, but I'm just really really happy for my parents. I think they really deserve it, and I am very happy for them. Obtaining this house is a symbol of the years of hard work that has gone into it, of our life in America, and potentially a permanent place that actually looks and feels like a HOME.

Just contemplating on my life with regards to how much I didn't have before and how much that I do have now, it is oh so bitter sweet...

Failure

2009-09-08T19:45:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream about my MCAT score. I logged onto the MCAT website, and for some crazy reason, instead of just having my score on the site, it was a 50 page PDF file that I had to download. I kept on scrolling through each page, and each page was more confusing than the previous. There were numbers and graphs everywhere, and it was impossible to decipher what my score was. All I remember is getting a fuckin 6 on verbal. It was a nightmare, a crazy nightmare that I wished it would never see the light of day, yet...it did. It crawled out from the dark covers and showed its ugly face.

I was counting down the days and hours til my MCAT score would be released. On the website, it said the score would come out at 2pm, and so I rushed to the library at 3:30 to check my score. My heart was literally pounding when I got on the computer, I was that nervous. I was hoping that I would see this amazing score and jump up and down in joy and run around like a crazy lunatic. But when I logged in, it said, "no scores available yet." DAMN, even more suspense. I decided to go to the gym to occupy myself.

At 7:30, I come back home and check my score. I did not jump for joy, I did not break down and cry. I just stared at it for 10 minutes, registering this hideous score of mine. It was a nightmare that came true. It is bad. It is really bad. I scored the same as I did before I started doing the practice tests. Just thinking of the hard work I put in during the summer, the countless hours, the sleepless nights, it all makes me want to cry a little. The thought of going through this again for the next 6 months is depressing, demoralizing, and utterly crushing.

I don't know what to do right now. I feel like everything just went up in flames. My dreams, my aspirations, this picture that I had in my mind of what I will accomplish in the future, all of that just came crushing down. I've never worked so hard for something and yet still fall so short. I always thought that I was hardcore, always thought that I will do whatever it takes to get to where I want to be, yet at the moment, I feel so weak, vulnerable, helpless, and mostly, very insecure. This is just the beginning, and I am already burnt out....

it is like hell all over again......

Nervous

2009-08-26T23:47:00.000-07:00

I am now officially a senior. Oh. My. God. I can't believe it. It felt like it was just yesterday when I first moved into the double in Griffiths Hall at Unit 2 and going up and down the floor meeting everyone. Now that I am a senior, I feel like the pressure is on. It is my last year to pull up my GPA, my last year to get close to some faculty members here at Berkeley, my last chance to get clinical experience, my last chance to fuckin prove myself. I think after this summer, and after putting all this time and effort, I've decided that I REALLY want to go to medical school. Now that I am finally set on this path, I feel like I need to sell my soul in order to get there. It doesn't matter what I like and don't like, I just have to do whatever that it takes to get there. It sucks, it really does. Why does it have to be so hard? I am so nervous and scared. I am worried that in the end all my effort is worth nothing...

Stuck

2009-08-21T22:26:00.000-07:00

My friend and I were stranded in Mexico City airport for 12 hrs on our way back to the United States from Guatemala. Apparently I had no idea the lay over was 12 hrs long when I booked the flight, stupid me. The chairs at the airport were so awkwardly placed it was almost impossible to sleep. I took a nap with the chair arms stabbing into my chest and me curled up in a fetal position. The currency exchange place was closed, so we had no pesos to buy food, we were running out of water, and there was no water fountain. I was so relieved when I was able to connect to this ghetto ass internet at the airport, it was definitely making the entire ordeal a lot more bearable, despite the fact that the signal was extremely low and the speed was at a turtle crawling speed and it disconnected practically every 10 mins. Just when we thought things couldn't get any worse, the airport security guard came and kicked us out. Apparently we are not allowed in the waiting area at the gates between 1am and 4am. My friend and I were stranded with no place to go, no money for anything, it was pretty tragic. We wandered around the airport trying to figure out where we were suppose to go, but nobody spoke English, and my friend's Spanish was meager at best. Finally we decided to just sit on the ground by the baggage claim are like two hobos. My friend's water bottle was empty, and mine was almost empty, it was like we were in the freakin desert. He pulled out a bag of potato chips from his bag, looked at it longingly, and then put it back in his bag. Eating the chips would satiate our hunger for a little while, but it would hasten our dying thirst. What a dilemma. Somehow I found everything to be extremely hilarious, and I just sat there and laughed hysterically while my friend was having a little life crisis and looking totally defeated. The situation was pretty tragic and sad. After walking around the airport for around an hr, we finally found where we were suppose to be waiting for our connecting flight. Actual flight time took only 7 hrs, but with the lay over, it took us around 20 hrs to get back to the states. Krzy shit.

I will blog about Guatemala soon. So many things has happened, I feel like I have a lot to say, but I feel like I need time to collect my thoughts to make sense and meaning out of this experience.

Things I am glad to have back:
internet
hot showers
able to sit on the toilet without having to cover it in toilet paper first
drinking tap water
having ice in my drinks
getting seconds for meals
nice soft bed
clean clothes

Judgement Day

2009-08-02T14:21:00.000-07:00

On Thursday, I will be taking the most important test of my life. I've invested my entire summer in preparing for this test, and at this point, I still feel uneasy. This journey has been so unusual. I've never felt so stupid or incompetent in my life, but there were definitely a few points in time where I felt like I was finally getting it. Even if I had all the time in the world, I don't think I can ever be fully ready for the test or be done with studying for the test, so I just have to go in there and do the best that I can.

I know that if all fails, I can take the test again in January, but I don't want to focus on that and therefore causing me to slack off. But I guess I do find some comfort in the idea, so that I don't put too much pressure on myself. I don't work too well under pressure.

At the back of my MCAT books, it says "if you study it, it will come!" I studied it, so please come, come to meeeeee!!!

12 10 12
Let me be wonderfully surprised.

Dating, Engagement, Marriage Oh My!

2009-07-26T09:07:00.000-07:00

I just found out yesterday that my roommate for the past 2 yrs got engaged!! She's been dating the guy for three years, so I kind of expected them to take their relationship to the next level, but I guess I never expected it to be this soon. They seem to be very happy with their relationship, so props to them for wanting and willing to take that next big step. Congratulations.

With all of this, it warrants a philosophical discussion. When I first learned about her engagement, instantly, I felt sooo old, shitt dood, she's younger than me and just got engaged, and I'm sitting here 20 and still single. It kind of made me feel frantic for a second, and then after a few seconds, it's like oh thank God, I am 20 and still single!! phew. Everyone go through these things at different speeds, and I guess I just really want to take my time and need my own space. It makes me realize and appreciate how much there is still ahead of me, how much more that I can still look forward to. It is kind of exciting. My journey has just started, and there is still so much to go, still so much to explore.

Personally, even if I did have a boyfriend that I've been dating for 3 yrs, getting engaged and getting married in a few years is just totally not feasible for me. It is just too romance movie/novel ish, and it simply doesn't appeal to me. I guess its like omgg, so cuteee awwwww, marrying your college sweetheart or whatever, but I'm really not a sucker for those kinds of things. At the end of the day, it simply isn't something that I am seeing in the near future. Maybe in like 10 years. I don't think I have even matured enough to handle something as important as an engagement/marriage at this point in my life. I still have so much to learn about myself and still much to work on. Also, there is a part of me that simply isn't ready to give up my freedom just yet to settle for something long term. There is a part of me that doesn't want to grow up just yet. Oh the sweetness of youth and freedom.

So with all of this, I've concluded that I am fine with the way I am. Really.

Here it is to the rest of my journey and yours. Cheers.

2009-07-23T22:33:00.000-07:00

I am on a total emotional and physical overload.
I am so upset my blood is boiling. With everything piling up, I feel like just breaking down and shutting down.
It's so hard to push forward on your own when you have nobody backing you up.

Overload

2009-07-22T20:36:00.000-07:00

-Only 2 more weeks. I am nervous, scared, obsessed.
-I am sleep deprived. I am running on 2 bottles of 5 hr energy shots per day. 8333% of vitamin B12 and 2000% of vitamin B6 and caffeine gives you radioactive green pee. I don't know how much time I'm actually saving by having to run to the bathroom every 20 minutes.
-I just want to focus on my MCAT but I can't. I have so much shit I need to take care of before I leave for Guatemala.
-need to haul ass to SF because the Guatemala consulate people don't pick up the phone. Need to apply for visa. Need to get all my vaccinations. Need to buy travel insurance. Need to get documents in by the end of this week. Need to buy supplies for Guatemala. Need to pack for Guatemala.
-need to do practice problems until I am blue in the face
-NEED TO KEEP MY SANITY

Fashion

2009-07-18T13:17:00.001-07:00

So I am having this new found obsession with fashion, yeah yeah, I know I'm not that stylish or whatever, but I really appreciate fashion now as a form of art. I understand the fact that fashion is a business, and designers need to make clothes that people would want to wear and therefore the clothes must be saleable, it must make money! But the fact that money plays such an important role in fashion in a way degrades fashion as a form of art. I've been watching The Fashion Show, basically a copy of Project Runway, and there is one contestant on the show that I think is phenomenal. His designs are very conceptual, they are very three dimensional, very architectural, but his designs are not always appreciated by the judges because they are too conceptual, too complicated to understand, too nonconventional, too abstract. I just think it's such a shame that one's artistic vision has to be restrained and controlled by the standards of the fashion industry. Just because you wouldn't wear it doesn't mean its not good art, just because you wouldn't put a certain painting in your house doesn't mean it's not a good painting. Kinda sucks, just another way how money infiltrates the minds of people and everything in this society.

Here are some of his pieces from his final collection. His theme was indigenous people wearing western clothing. Very very interesting. Not very wearable, but I have so much appreciation for it.

The more "wearable" pieces

<---I REALLY like this one

Okay, that is all. Backt to MCAT

Crazy night

2009-07-12T17:35:00.000-07:00

I went to see Death Cab for Cutie last night, one of my favorite bands of all times, yet it was probably one of the worst concert experience I've ever had. I smoked weed for the first time a couple of months ago, and surprisingly I really liked the experience. I was with a friend I could trust, we were both just chillin at his apartment, and we were just done with finals. It was such a relaxing time, what can I say, it was pretty awesome. Last night, the second time, that was really something else.....

I smoked before the concert, and during the concert, I smoked out of a joint that was being passed around from a stranger.... That was probably not a smart thing to do. It was probably just way too much weed in one day.

My head was spinning the entire time. Whatever I said made no sense. I had trouble formulating my thoughts and my sentences. Whatever other people said made no sense. I had the attention span of an ant. I couldn't understand anything, and so I stopped talking. My mouth started getting really dry, and my saliva was foamy and disgusting. I was surrounded by strangers at the concert, and I started to feel very paranoid. I thought I was going to pass out from dehydration, and having to stand for three hours, I thought I was going to fall over, no one would be there to catch me, and crack open my skull. When Death Cab finally came on, I could not focus on the performance. The entire time my eyes were fixated on the little sign outside that said "first aid station." All I thought about was the first aid station and picturing myself lying on one of those skinny white clinic beds with 1000 bottles of Gatorade, oh how much I wanted that fuckin Gatorade. I saw this guy in front of me drinking this cold bottle of water. I knew it was cold because it was foggy from the condensation. I just watched him...drinking that water one sip at a time. I counted how many bottles he drank. He drank TWO bottles. In my head, I thought maybe I could ask him if I could have some water, but I didn't, I just watched him, one sip at a time. By that time, my throat was parched. I thought about leaving to get water, but I knew if I left, I wouldn't be able to make it back inside. I couldn't stand my thrist anymore, so I asked the guy who passed me the joint if he had any water, and oh my god he did. I took a sip of the water, and before I swallowed it, for a second I freaked out because I thought it was vodka, but fortunately, it wasn't. It was actually water. That couple of gulps of water saved me for maybe...10 seconds, and then I was thirsty again. DAMN

The high also made the music very very intense. In a good way and in a bad way. I dont know. The lighting felt so freaking insane. Death Cab had this crazy back drop where they had those weird lighting swirls and squiggles moving around flashing, and I seriously thought I was going to get blinded by all of that and have a seizure. The sound was also very intense. It literally made my ears throb.

I don't know, it was all just so amazing, and so crazy, yet so shitty. I don't know. I felt so shitty after the show I can't even describe it. It was a mix of insecurity, self-consciousness, awkwardness, weirdness, paranoia, annoyance, and all sorts of other negative feelings. It really made me feel like crap. I've never felt so bad in my life. I am still trying to get over this massive headache that I woke up with.

This is so not like me. What the hell happened? I feel so stupid.

Art

2009-07-05T22:09:00.001-07:00

So my parents came to Berkeley today to visit me as well as drop off some food. During lunch, I basically had a big discussion with my parents regarding how much influence parents should on a child in terms of developing their interest in certain areas. I've always wondered what field I would go into if my parents never really pushed me towards the sciences when I was little. Right now, I'm at Berkeley majoring in biology and trying to get into med school. How much of that is by choice? How much of that is by brutal force? How much of that is "oh fuck it, I've gone too far already I might just as well stick with it."I don't really know...

All throughout my life, I've always LOVED the fine arts, and I mean LOVEEEEE. I definitely liked the sciences, but it was genuinely a different feeling with the arts. It was perhaps more passionate, more intense, more satisfying. I've literally spent hours just sitting in one spot drawing or painting nonstop, and I absolutely enjoyed every single minute of it. Listening to music while doing it, I mean it was total bliss.

I've been developing my interest in photography, and it brings me so much excitement I can't even describe. Whenever I see photos done by well known professional photographers, I literally get chills running through my body. It is that intense. I don't think I've ever felt that way with anything else. I particularly like fashion photography, and so I started looking into fashion design and construction, and MY GOD, its like a whole new door that just popped up and I want to dive through, but I can't. I've been watching videos of fashion shows, and *drool*.

During the years that I did pursue art on the side, I've had a few pieces in art shows, won a couple of awards, got into this art program thingy ma bob, I mean yeah, it was high school, really low key stuff, but I mean it was something that I was proud of, but my parents never really cared much for.

I don't think I am talented in the arts, but I just feel like if I actually received some quality education in it, I might actually become good at it? I don't know, but I really do want to find out.

I know I will have to take at least a year off after graduation before I can go to med school, so I told my mom that it would be kind of neat for me to go to an art school and maybe pursue an associative degree in some type of art. My mom's reply was, "OH MY GOD Lisha, why do you want to do that?" eeeeeyeaaa.....then I tell her, oh how about a master's degree in education, she goes, "OH MY GOD, why do you want to do that? If you wanted to do those things, why you go to Berkeley for then?" hmm.........

I think part of my mom's fear is that if I went and pursued those things, I might like it so much that I would actually want to pursue it as a career. That is her worst fear. For my parents, they've struggled so much in their younger years, went through so much hardship in their lives that they have gotten use to the mentality that unless I'm at a 200k job, I won't be happy and that I would always be struggling financially. I simply just don't agree with that. Their mentality is kind of like that of a starving child who would stuff their face when they see food because they are always living in the fear that they might not get a next time. I just don't think that's a realistic mentality anymore. It is also that Asian mentality where math+science basically owns everything else.

At Berkeley, I see so many Asians either being pre-meds or pre-business. Like goodness gracious, can I get some fresh air here. Why are all these damn Asians alike. lol. Why are there almost no Asians in the arts and humanities? Why?? What is wrong with the arts and humanities? For all you pre-meds and pre-business people out there, why are you doing what you are doing? Is it because you are stuck, like me, in this unrelenting cycle to please our stubborn Asian parents?

I have SO MUCH respect for the very few people that I do know who are purusing in the arts and humanities. I admire them for doing something that I have not been able to do, and perhaps will never be able to do. To defy my parents, to defy myself, to defy this Asian tradition or whaver you want to call it.

I'm not saying I'm unhappy at where I am in life. I'm not saying that I hate what I do. Hell, I don't even know what happiness is anymore, but I just can't really put a word to describe what I feel right now. It is not hate, it is not love. I don't know what it is. To really justify my choice in the sciences and a career in medicine, I've been trying to tie this bullshit connection between art and science, art and medicine for years, is there even such a connection? Hahaha, yet another question posed that has no answer.

My Choice My Burden

2009-07-02T01:31:00.000-07:00

For a temporary moment, I found refugee. I found happiness and excitement, even if it was just a tiny glimpse, the most impalpable drop that left with the slightest tingle on my lips before it escaped. It was what kept me sane. It gave me something to look forward to every single day. It brought me out of this internal struggle that I've had for so long, and now I finally feel free, no longer held back or pulled down. I looked for you.

I looked for me. I find myself to always end up in the same situation. My life feels like a broken record sometimes that keeps on playing the same thing again and again. For once I thought maybe I'll play a better song. For once, it was a better a song, and like a song, it has an ending. Too bad that I can't put it on repeat.

My naivety, my stupidity, my personality, my character, my burden. They have become an inevitable part of me that I can not let go of. It is a burden because it is heavy, filled with years of personal experiences that I can't help but look back at once in awhile. It is heavy, it weighs me down, but I think I kind of like it. I rather carry it than to be empty handed.

And so with me, I carry your dreams and aspirations, I carry my false hopes, I carry my burden.

Dot Dot Dot

2009-06-28T17:58:00.000-07:00

Hypocrisy...
Say whatever you want about what you don't like in other people. To me, you are just like them. We are all hypocrites to some extent.

Facade...
Inevitable sense of insecurity that is trying to be covered up by a false sense of security. Who do you rather be?

Game...
Why does it have to be a game? Or does it even need to be a game? Why do we describe certain people as having game and others as having no game. Who came up with this shit? Some people know how to play this game so well; they know exactly what to say and what to do to get what they want. Do I have to play this game?

Scatterbrain

2009-06-23T14:32:00.000-07:00

-August 6th is approaching soon. I took a in class diagnostic test today and i scored a 50% in verbal. I did not have time to do 2 of the passages, so I randomly guessed. FUCKKK
-From now on, I need to eat faster, sleep less, talk faster, go to the bathroom faster, take faster showers, walk faster, exercise faster, just fuckin do everything at 2x speed. Once July hits, its MCAT everytime all the time.
-I need to step up my game a notch.
-omgomgomgomg I am so excited about all the shows coming up. Wilco, Deathcab for Cutie, and Tortoise. WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!! I can drool from all this excitement. *does little dance*
-A friend told me today that he was watching porn and saw a girl that looked like me. He made such connection and felt weird. ROFFLEWAFFLE

-We always say that we can't change other people, and that we can only change ourselves, but it is so hard to do that sometimes. We are so use to the way we do things, how we always think that we are right, that we know what is best for us. I feel like I have been given so many second chances in life to do things right the second time, yet somehow I still screw it up. I really need to make a conscious effort to change my attitude, or else there could be a very good chance that I'll crash and burn once AGAIN. I really don't want that.

Deja Vu

2009-06-20T11:55:00.000-07:00

So different this time. Different circumstance, different scene, different crowd, different personality, different history, different story. Yet, it seems uncannily familiar.

Weighed Down

2009-06-16T00:19:00.000-07:00

I feel so weighed down ever since the start of summer from all this MCAT studying. During the weekdays I find myself secluded in the library or in the classroom studying all day long. I have not really been able to go out and meet up with people that I haven't seen in awhile. I feel so beaten down that when I do meet up with people, I feel like I have lost my energy, my momentum, my zest for life. Everything becomes so blahhhhh

The only thing I look forward to is the weekend.

Sex

2009-06-15T11:45:00.000-07:00

Yeah, that's right. Did I catch your attention?
Why should I have to be placed in awkward and uncomfortable situations when it comes to dealing with you and your boyfriend?
Why do I have to put up with noises I don't want to hear when I am trying to study, or trying to eat, or trying to do anything as a matter of fact.
Why should I be the one to blast music so that I can cover up the noise. Shouldn't you be the one trying to cover up the noise? Why me? I'm not the one having sex.
Why should I be woken up at 4 o'clock in the morning by the sound of "activities" in your room and then me having to stuff my head in my pillow so that I can go back to sleep.

why why why. I am just trying to get some fuckin sleep in my own fuckin apartment.

Don't know what to say

2009-06-14T14:43:00.000-07:00

"Just don't think about it," you would say.
But how can I not think about it. We are human beings, we are made to think. It is what distinguishes us from other living creatures. We think until our head explodes, until we lose complete spontaneity and impulse, until we get sick and tired of our own thoughts, until it defines our every action and every word. I don't want to get lost in my own thoughts. I don't want to be controlled by my restless mind. I don't want to lose my spontaneity. Don't we all deserve a fresh start, a clean slate? Your life as I know it begins the moment we meet. Haven't I learned that lesson already? Yes, I have.

I just want to listen to music and dance all day long.

Funny

2009-06-11T11:33:00.000-07:00

HAHAHA I find this amusing.
From The Onion

But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them

By Kimberly Pruitt
June 9, 2009 | Issue 45•24

I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?

I knew you would understand. You always do.

We're so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me bitch about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once—would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I've got going here.

It's just…you're like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you've spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.

No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.

Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I'd call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn't answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don't even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.

Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I've known you so long, you're more like a brother that I've drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It'd be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you'd come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I've had a bad day at work, you'd be looking at me like, "I've seen her breasts." God, I can't think of anything more awkward that that.

Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.

Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us.

Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.

Best friends. Friends forever.

Hopless Romantic

2009-06-07T12:23:00.000-07:00

Three years ago, I was headstrong, independent, focused. I pushed love aside like love was only for the weak, vulnerable, and the naive. I was too good to love and to be loved. I hated cheesy movies and romantic novels, I still do, but more or less, I've come to realize that my attitude was nothing more than a facade, it was a way for me to justify a void I felt in my life. I was headstrong because I could not be vulnerable in front of others, I was ignorant because I could not deal with my own emotions. I was on such a path when I came to college, and then you came along and led me astray. When it was over, I was such a mess. I've been changed, and things have never been the same. Then more and more wonderful people came into my life. My experiences with them, the good and the bad, have only changed me for the good. Maybe it's true, after all of these experiences and as I sit here and contemplate in my solitude, that I have become a hopeless romantic. Since when did the tiny little things make me go soft in my knees? Your jacket, a piece of your sandwich, a toothy grin, a laugh at my stupid jokes, the necklace you made, our fingers interlocking on the dance floor. When did these meaningless things become meaningful. Or were they even meaningless to begin with? Maybe they did have meaning once upon a time. Since when did I become willing to stand outside bare and naked and vulnerable for you and for the many other "you's" to come. I stand here before you, I just hope and pray that you won't break me into pieces.

Maybe, just maybe, I can be a hopeless romantic who is not so hopeless?

hahahaha I laugh at myself, and I laugh at you.

FML

2009-05-31T21:47:00.000-07:00

-I bit the inside of my lip, so now I have a huge ass canker sore. It hurts to eat, hurts to talk, hurts to smile. I feel like some sad emo kid now that I can't smile.
-I ate some chicken that has been in the freezer for almost a year. It looked okay, it smelled okay, it tasted okay, but my stomach said it was not okay.
-I had a fever and wrenching body ache. I was shivering in my bed covered in blankets in the middle of summer.
-I slept for 19 hours

Much better now...

Goals for the summer
-read an article during meal time to improve reading and comprehension skill
-work out for at least 1 hr per day. Pick back up on yoga
-learn how to skate. Apparently I skate like a robot, but I'm getting there...
-Ace the MCAT. I hope...
-Still try to have some fun? I hope? maybe just a teeny little?

Banging my head against the wall

2009-05-30T02:02:00.000-07:00

I've been attending my MCAT class for about a week now, and I am basically scared shitless. It has dawned upon me how my three years of education at Berkeley has done very little to prepare me for the MCAT. My brain gets fried every time coming out of class, and it's amazing how much stuff tested on the MCAT that I've never learned about before in my life. As a bio major, I thought I should be well prepared for at least the bio section, but umm...not really. The brain? Action potential? Neurons? Immuno? Wada? I am a cell and developmental bio major, I've never learned about that stuff. Were we suppose to learn this in bio1A? Crazyyy shittttt. Then there is general chemistry. I thought I knew my general chemistry. I did pretty well in Chem 1A. Then wow...I am so surprised how hard I am struggling with acid base chemistry. FREAKIN ACID BASE CHEMISTRY. adslfkajsdfda. SHIT DAMN. Okay, onto verbal. FUCKIN VERBAL. It sucks to be an immigrant I tell you. I struggled on the verbal for the SATs, and I am struggling now for the verbal on the MCAT. Like what the hell, is it just my English is bad or what? I can't seem to understand any of the passages!! This is all freakinggg meee outtttt!!! Like what the hell, I did really well in all my reading and composition classes in college, but I come out and can't understand articles from the New Yorker or the Economist? Something is not right here.

When I was in high school, I thought I was bright, definitely not the smartest, but maybe sorta kinda smart. Then when college hits, I realized that I wasn't really all that smart, I just worked really really hard. I worked my ass off in high school, and I pulled off on top because well, a lot of people are lazy in high school. I continue to work my ass off in college, but everyone works their ass off at Berkeley. The game got harder, and I simply became average, and sometimes....even below average :( For the A's and A+'s that I did manage to get, I literally worked my ass off until my butt had calluses from sitting for too long. When I compare myself to my friends, I realize that I have to work two times as hard as them to get the same grade.

I realize that I take a lot of time to study something. I take my time to ponder, to chew on concepts, to practice, to review, to really understand this stuff. Sometimes I get frustrated at my turtle crawling speed because I don't have all the time in the world. I wish I could. I squeeze and squeeze out as much time as I can, but we only have 24 hrs in a day, and I can only go so long on 5 hr energy drinks and 6 hrs of sleep. I just fuckin can't do it!

I am already devoting so much of my time right now to MCAT. I've drastically cut down my AIM usage, facebook usage, e-mail, TV watching, socializing. I basically have no life.

Here is what my day is like nowadays
9:30 AM-wake up
10:00AM-5:00PM at the library studying MCAT
5:00PM-7:00PM MCAT class
7:00PM-9:00PM eat/relax just a lil
9:00PM-10:00PM tutor
10:00PM-2:00AM study more MCAT

Even with this schedule, I am behind!! I feeling like I am running out of time! I feel like there are so many things I don't know and still need to master! I feel like I am going to go KRZYY!!! How the hell do people do it. How the hell do people do this during the school year?? OH I KNOW, CUZ THEY ARE FREAKIN GENIUSES!!

and I am not a genius.

I feel so overwhelmed and it is only the 1st week. I just hope and pray that eventually it will seem less like banging my head against the wall and that I'll actually start to improve. Oh please help me God.

Home

2009-05-28T20:47:00.000-07:00

Where is home?

With the onset of summer, many people are going back home to their families, whether it is to stay for the entire summer or just temporarily for a visit. All of this reminds me of the fact that I've always been in Berkeley every summer, whether it is for summer school, research, or this time MCAT. Although I tell everyone that I'm from Davis, I feel like I've slowly lost connection with the small college town known for its bikes and cows. I've lost connection with the high school friends who still live there or who still visits Davis during breaks. The friends that made my senior year of high school ever so memorable, the friends that I grew so close to during those years are all starting to grow apart, and everyone now has their own lives, futures, and their own little world that I am no longer a part of. As I see people that I once cared about drift away from me, I fear the same thing is going to happen to my college friends. What will happen once we all graduate and go on our separate ways? We only have one year left. Will we still keep in touch? Will you invite me to your wedding and I invite you to mine? Will somehow our lives join and we end up on the same path? Will distance be a factor? It seems that there is a sense of detachment even with people I live with and see every single day. So then I ask, what is the basis of our friendship? What is the foundation? You asked me that once. Was our friendship based on because we have a lot of things in common? Liked the same music? style? have the same type of personality and humor? Have a lot of fun together? But shouldn't there be something more to that? Something that is more solid and strong besides just commonality? We share lots of things with many different people, but what sets one friend apart from another? You then said that a strong common faith in God is the foundation of a friendship. Faith in God...well, it seems like I don't have that anymore...so then, what is it? What keeps people together?

I fear loosing the people that I care about. I fear ending up alone. These are my greatest fears. But I realize that loosing people becomes an inevitable part of life, and it is something we all have to accept and deal with. You may lose a friend, but you can also gain another.

The only thing that still keeps Davis somewhat significant is the fact that my mom and my sister still live there. But even that, it is still not a home to me. Once my mom and sister move out of Davis, the town will probably just become a town that I'll pass by once in awhile, a town that I lived in for two years, a town where I made some awesome friends but also lost some awesome friends. A place of happiness as well as many regrets. I feel like it is time to detach this sense of home with where my family is. I can no longer associate home with where my parents are. I will eventually have to start find and build my own niche and call it a home.

Rejection

2009-05-26T21:18:00.000-07:00

How should we deal with rejection? We face rejections all the time. Rejections from jobs, from friends, from family, from complete total strangers. How are we suppose to deal with it? Do we just accept the rejection and tell ourselves that we are better than that, that we deserve better? That it is the company/organization/person's loss? Or do we look at it as a sign of inadequacy, incompetence, and a sense of not belonging? Looking at the situation from a third person's point of view, the answer is obvious. Of course we are not suppose to let rejections bring us down, but sometimes you can't help but wonder, maybe I'm just not good enough. When will I ever be good enough for you?

Words of Wisdom

2009-05-23T23:09:00.000-07:00

Sometimes words of wisdom can come from the least expected places and people. They can come from that homeless guy you see sitting by the side of the street, from graffiti in the bathroom stalls, from that one person you met in class and talked to once or twice, from a complete stranger who do not know you. Thank you for enlightening me.

This time you say you believe me. This time, I say I believe it too. This time, maybe it's for real. Yet for some reason it's like a boomerang, no matter how far I toss it, it just keeps on coming back and hitting me in the eye. But each time, it hurts a little less. Maybe, just maybe, like a boomerang, I have to throw it INCORRECTLY, so that it'll never come back. Sometimes certain things really bring out the worst in me, and I absolutely hate it. I'm working on it.

My First

2009-05-21T21:44:00.000-07:00

"Alright, you ready to do this?"
He leads me back to his apartment, opens the window and turns on the ceiling fan. He gathers all his necessary supplies from a shoe box by his wardrobe and puts it on the table. He then takes out a small piece of cannabis from his orange prescription pill bottle, and rolls it in a thin sheet of rice paper.

The cannabis looked really strange to me. I expected to be thick, greasy, and dark like hookah shisha, but instead, it looked like a dry piece of weed that you pull out from the sidewalk between those cement blocks. It looked nothing like the plant with seven leaves arranged perfectly around. Regardless, I guess I was ready. It wasn't even a matter of readiness, I was more curious than anything. I didn't want to go out and chase the experience, I didn't want to have to go out of my way to do this, but there it was, I was presented with the opportunity, and I decided to grasp it. I wanted to see what it was like. I wanted to cross that lake and see what was on the other side. I wanted to see what my mind is capable of.

He lights the joint and passes it to me. I inhale through my mouth without taking in anything into my lungs, and then I exhale out thick a big puff of grey smoke.
"you are wasting it," he says.
"you've got to inhale into your mouth, then inhale into your lungs, hold it in there, one, two, three, then exhale."

Inhale into my mouth
Inhale into my lungs, holding it there for three Mississippies
Slowly exxxhaaaleeeeee.
Just like that, I took maybe five or six hits, until I was scared the smoking end would burn my lips. To be honest, I didn't feel anything at first, but after it was all done, after the last bit burnt out and refused to light up again, it all came to me. My head felt extremely light, it was almost as if my head was no longer sitting on my neck, but floating somewhere above me. The smoke created a haze infront of me, and my eyes felt fumy from the smoke. My eyes felt droopy. Everything just seemed so chill and relaxing. It felt sooo goood. To hell with finals. To hell with my GPA. To hell with the endless drama. To hell with it all. It didn't matter, nothing mattered. For once, I felt like I was worry free. The Pink Floyd music playing on the JBL creature was just explosive, the chopper sound in the song made me think of Vietnam for some weird reason, and I felt like I was in the fuckin jungles running around. The speakers were like surround sound, and I heard the blades of the chopper all around me. Then all of a sudden, I started laughing. I laughed until tears started flowing out of my eyes. My friend started laughing too, and somehow I thought that just made everything funnier, and I laughed and laughed until my cheeks hurt. Then after the laugh attack, things became chill again.

Overall, it was a very interesting experience. I've heard that the first time the effect is not that great. Maybe what I felt was really a placebo effect, but whatever, who cares right?

I feel like I'm going on a journey in life.

The pyschology and biology of attraction

2009-05-18T17:36:00.001-07:00

haha I saw this today
From psychology today:

"Copulatory" Gaze

The gaze is probably the most striking human courting ploy. Eye language. In Western cultures, where eye contact between the sexes is permitted, men and women often stare intently at potential mates for about two to three seconds during which their pupils may dilate—a sign of extreme interest. Then the starer drops his or her eyelids and looks away. (I would think looking for pupil dilation is not very helpful with an Asian person's eyes, since their pupil is basically the color of their iris. Easier to tell with Caucasian eyes)

Keeping Time

Body synchrony is the final and most intriguing component of the pickup. As potential lovers become comfortable, they pivot or swivel until their shoulders become aligned, their bodies face-to-face. This rotation toward each other may start before they begin to talk or hours into conversation, but after a while the man and woman begin to move in tandem. Only briefly at first. When he crosses his legs, she crosses hers; as he leans left, she leans left; when he smoothes his hair, she smoothes hers. They move in perfect rhythm. (Hence, when in a group of people, notice where your body orients)

Odor Lures

Every person smells slightly different; we all have a personal "odor print" as distinctive as our voice, our hands, our intellect. Both men and women have "apocrine glands in their armpits, around their nipples, and in the groin that become active at puberty. These scent boxes differ from "eccrine" glands, which cover much of the body and produce an odorless liquid, because their exudate, in combination with bacteria on the skin, produce the acrid, gamy smell of perspiration.

But could a man's smell actually trigger infatuation in a woman? This possible link between male essence and female reproductive health may provide a clue to attraction. Women perceive odors better than men do. They are a hundred times more sensitive to Exaltolide, a compound much like men's sexual musk; they can smell a mild sweat from about three feet away; and at midcycle, during ovulation, women can smell men's musk even more strongly. Perhaps ovulating women become more susceptible to infatuation when they can smell male essence and are unconsciously drawn toward it to maintain menstrual cycling.

A woman's or a man's smell can release a host of memories too. So the right human smell at the right moment could touch off vivid pleasant memories and possibly ignite that first, stunning moment of romantic adoration.

Love Maps

A more important mechanism by which human beings become captivated by "him" or "her" may be what sexologist John Money called your love map. Long before you fixate on Ray as opposed to Bill, Sue instead of Ceciley, you have developed a mental map, a template replete with brain circuitry that determines what arouses you sexually, what drives you to fall in love with one person rather than another.

These love maps vary from one individual to the next. Some people get turned on by a business suit or a doctor's uniform, by big breasts, small feet, or a vivacious laugh. But averageness still wins.

Men and women around the world are attracted to those with good complexions. Everywhere people are drawn to partners whom they regard as clean. And men in most places generally prefer plump, wide-hipped women to slim ones. Looks count.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why are we attracted to certain people and not others? Why do our friends tend to be very similar to each other? And what causes us to decide on a mate? Many of these questions relate to social psychology in that society's influence and our own beliefs and traits play an important role. Research has found five reasons why we choose our friends.:

Proximity - The vast majority of our friends live close to where we live, or at least where we lived during the time period the friendship developed. Obviously friendships develop after getting to know someone, and this closeness provides the easiest way to accomplish this goal. The closer two people live to each other the more likely it is for them to like one another. Research has shown that the best single predictor of whether two people are friends is how far apart they live.
Association - We tend to associate our opinions about other people with our current state. In other words, if you meet someone during a class you really enjoy, they may get more 'likeability points' then if you met them during that class you can't stand.
Similarity - On the other hand, imagine that person above agrees with you this particular class is the worse they have taken. The agreement or similarity between the two of you would likely result in more attractiveness.
Reciprocal Liking - Simply put, we tend to like those better who also like us back. This may be a result of the feeling we get about ourselves knowing that we are likable. When we feel good when we are around somebody, we tend to report a higher level of attraction toward that person
Physical Attractiveness - Physical attraction plays a role in who we choose as friends, although not as much so as in who we choose as a mate. Nonetheless, we tend to choose people who we believe to be attractive and who are close to how we see our own physical attractiveness.

Eye Candy

2009-05-11T19:31:00.001-07:00

Jerry Yoon photography. *drools*
I want high fashion!!

Subconscious

2009-05-10T13:29:00.001-07:00

I had a dream last night. It was disturbing. I wish I hadn't remembered it when I woke up this morning. What is my subconscious trying to say? So it really isn't over? My conscious tells me that it's over, but apparently my subconscious says a different story. When will it truly be over? I still feel trapped in some ways, even when I'm not aware of it. When will it disappear, no longer pulling me down. When will it stop showing its ugly head even when I'm in a drunken stupor. When will words become so randomized that they no longer make sense. Come here now.

I don't want to wake up and have to relive the same old dream.

Happy mother's day.

Hey you, it's me

2009-05-09T23:48:00.000-07:00

Hey you, it's me,
I don't mean to bother you but somethings been on my mind.
At the end of this road that climbs the horizon will be reached in a matter of miles.
And when the wheels cease to spin the walls and the fences will grow higher than redwood trees.
And I know your demise.
And I fear what will happen when the road fails to flow under me.
Oh you see, I felt like your mirror with the wind whipping through my hair.
When the wheels ceased to spin and I cased my surroundings, I realized I hadn't gone anywhere.
When the problems I'd left with couches in alleys, where no one would ever claim.
And the hardest part was sifting through the pieces of the rain soaked and rotten remains when I got home.

Applied to three jobs today, three more to go.

Time of the year again

2009-05-09T02:15:00.000-07:00

So today was pretty much the last day of school for me, and as the year comes to an end, it's that time again. The time where I reflect on things that happened this past semester, the good and the bad. It's kind of funny how I'm writing this right now at 2:20 am, and I'm like half drunk. I feel like i'm gonna black out soon, I'm starting to see black stripes. How bizarre, better finish this soon!

On academics
ohhh boyy...this was probably the shittest semester ever. I took completely the wrong classes. I mean hello? Asian American studies with a focus on politics and public policy? WADA? So out of my league, I don't think I know what is going on half of the time. Developmental biology? Wow....somehow I thought this was going to be an interesting and easy class, boy was I wrong. I got my self esteem crushed in that class. Below average on a midterm?? RLY? Now I just hope I don't get a C in that class. I'll be wiser next semester with my choice of classes.

On relationships
mmmm mmmmm...this one is really tough. This semester has been a little crazy with so many things going on, I don't think I can completely comprehend what has happened, but all I know is that I'm happy with the state that I am in right now. The semester started off very rough with the end of a long term and long distance relationship. I don't think I've been more hurt in my life, and I just couldn't take the retaliation, the back stabbing, the vengence. All I wanted to do was to bash you into pieces. I couldn't concentrate in my classes, and I just felt like crying all the time. It was probably the lowest point of my life. But you know, I am so happy that I had friends that were there to help me get through it all. Without you guys, I seriously don't know what I would do. I feel like I've grown and matured a lot from this experience. I've grown bigger, better, and a lot stronger. I am now aware of my emotional capabilities, my vulnerablities, my strengths. I can't believe you said that I'm emotionally unstable and that I need to see a doctor. FUCK YOU. You are the one who is emotionally dependent, insecure, clingy, and unstable. I don't hate you, but I hope you are doing alright and have matured and grown from this. I very much enjoy my freedom right now. The truth is, I don't want to be pulled down and pulled back by committing myself to a relationship. It is still way too early in my life. I am simply not ready. My philosophy is that a relationship is here for eternity, if there isn't going to be any commitment, then what is the point of getting into one? If I'm not ready, then why bother? I think I've had enough experience to know what I want. I think I know what I want, but I definitely don't need it right now. I have one more year in college, let's make this a good one.

On family
I am so happy that I've grown a lot closer to my family. I definitely appreciate them much more now that I don't see them as often. I hope my relationship with my parents can only get better

On future
I don't really want to think about it right now. The future is becoming more and more scary as I get closer and closer to graduation. Right now, college is in a way a safe haven. We don't have to really worry about money, the economy, jobs, family, etc. We are sheltered in our own little Berkeley world. I have a goal, I have a plan, I'm just going to do my best to go for it. If somehow I fall short, then so be it. I have come to the conclusion and acceptance that I am not always going to be the best. I have a plan B, and at least I won't regret and say that I didn't try hard enough. Its a tough life, a competitive life. Not everyone can be winners, and I guess I have to come to acceptance about that.

On work
ohhhhhhh I loveee my jobbbbb. I've absolutely loved every single teaching experience I've had the entire time in college. I've developed such a passion for teaching and education, I'm very excited to see where that would lead me.

On blogging
hehehehe, I'm glad that I'm picking up on blogging. It's definitley a good way for me to clear my head. It's a way for me to deal and organize things in my head. I find it very cathartic.

What can I say. I am happy.

words

2009-05-05T20:00:00.001-07:00

-5 hrs of partying. No restraint. No barrier. No wall
-3 hrs over shaved ice. Lychee frozen yogurt, condensed milk, red bean paste, strawberries, kiwi, and mango
-1 hr from top bunk to lower bunk
-3 hrs over sausage links, hash browns, scrambled eggs with cheese, Pillsbury cinnamon rolls, a diet coke, and Mean Girls
-2 hrs of IM conversation with you, 1 hr with you, 30 minutes with you, 4o minutes with you, and 10 minutes with you
-2 hrs of sitting next to you as you waited to dry the sweat off your back and your clothes, as you waited to hear the good news, as you jumped up and down in joy, as you screamed and danced around, as I hugged and danced with you
-4 hrs at clinic, cooking, cleaning, talking, listening, laughing, all that good stuff
-too many hours with myself

With the onset of year 2009, I told myself that I would value my friendships more, because without you, friendship was all that I had. And so I put my friendships up on a pedestal, I treasured and cherished them. I worked and pushed and delved so that I could keep up with everyone. I put in time, I put in effort, I invested emotionally. I listened to your words, took them to heart and found meaning in them. I found meaning in human relationships. I learned. I grew. I became a bigger and better person. I took all the shit that was thrown at me, and I didn't say anything because I didn't want to ruin any friendships. I didn't want to open a can of worms. I braced it all, for the sake of you and me. How long have we known each other? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 years? Long enough. Now I want to knock you off that fuckin pedestal and watch you fall. When you fall, and you look up at me to pick you up, I will say no.....but I know that will never happen, because I am Lisha, and I care way too much. I forgive. I will not let you wade in your water alone. Even if you do not fall, or do not ask me to pick you up, I will offer, and all you have to do is take it.

collision is such an ugly sound

life is good

kaaapooowwwwowww

2009-05-05T01:37:00.000-07:00

dooo dooo dododododod dodooooo dododdod
*sings*
*dances*

hey hey! you you!!

Random people like to talk to me. I like to talk to random people. Sometimes random people share a little too much, get a little too personal. But tissss okayyyyy.

Every minute is arranged
Every moment lasts a day
But thinking about it can't help me let go, I know.

Talk, talking a lot, but it's still talk
Gotta love how it's somehow all on me
All the petty scenes
And all the pretty things
Say whatever you want
'Cause I can laugh it off.
I can laugh it off.
haa haaa haaa haaaa ahh haaaaaa

Relief

2009-05-03T10:36:00.000-07:00

EDIT: never never again. I should've listened, you were right.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I did it. I confronted. I found closure. Now that I know, I can finally set my feet down from that tormented "what the fuck is going on" state. I thought I would feel an overflow of emotions, but the truth is, I don't feel anything....perhaps more relief than anything else. All along, I've worked it out with myself. In a way, I kind of expected things to turn out this way, I kind of prepared myself for the different outcomes. There was a little voice in my head that said, Lisha, you are wrong. That voice was right, I was wrong, very wrong indeed. We were all wrong. I brought it all up on myself. All those things that I was going to say, well they no longer mean a thing, they don't matter anymore. So I'll just push those words into the deep abyss where they will never see the light of day.

But thank you. I'm glad that things can go back to normal now.

I feel good

-___________-

2009-04-27T18:29:00.001-07:00

feel kinda shitty....

Myopia

2009-04-27T13:04:00.000-07:00

Throw off your glasses and look beyond what is right in front of you. Maybe without your glasses you can't see very clearly, but you can see vague shapes and colors. People become blobs so that you are unable to attach meaning to any face. Everyone becomes insignificant. You no longer can distinguish friends from foe. Sure without your glasses, uncertainty can become overwhelming, you may tumble, you may run into things, you may have to reach your hands out to sense what is in front of you. But nevertheless, you know for a fact that there is something beyond, there is existence, perhaps something even greater and better ahead. So stop being stuck in one position. It's as if you have your feet stuck in mud, a mud of memories, of events, of what people once upon have said, of what people will say, of school, of grades, of all these things that will only pull you down and prevent you from seeing what is beyond. I rather trip and fall and make a complete fool of myself than to be stuck here and rehearse the same thing over and over again in my head like a broken record that cannot be fixed.

Dear Anonymous readers:
Who are you? I see my profile views are at 140. Who are you and why are you reading my blog? I feel honored that you are interested in reading what I have to say about my life, that you are taking time out to read my rumble jumble. Is it out of curiosity? Is it entertaining? Is it insightful? Or do you actually care? Are you a friend? or just a mere acquittance? What is my significance in your life? Does reading my blog change how you think about me? Am I a different person than you've previously thought? Do you know feel like you know more about me? How does learning about me through my blog say about our relationship? Life is beyond a cyberspace.

I guess I would never find out who you are, and will never answer these questions.

Verbose

2009-04-25T11:46:00.000-07:00

The other day I was having lunch with a friend, and he was telling me some family issues he was dealing with. The whole ordeal of someone in the family becoming very sick is just very difficult to cope with. I've never personally gone through something like this, and if it did happen to me, I really don't know what I would do. I don't know if I can handle it. The fact that a loved one has become very sick is difficult in itself, but what is very disappointing is the lack of professionality and compassion coming from the doctors. They probably see hundreds and thousands of patients that have had a stroke or heart attack, with cancer or some trauma, and that one patient simply becomes one of the many that they have seen throughout their career, no longer significant or special. Yet, what they don't notice is that one patient is a loved one to someone else, a significant, a family member, a friend, a colleague. That one patient is special to someone else. Obviously not all doctors are like that, but just the fact that there are a few is problematic in itself. It sucks for those people who end up under the hands of these doctors. It is really sad. It makes me wonder how in the world these doctors even became doctors if they can't even show compassion towards other people. Medical schools need to somehow shift their criteria for admission. Just because someone is book smart doesn't mean that they are going to be good doctors. Some people are really smart, but they are complete dumbasses when it comes to people and just life in general.

I feel very honored that I was the only person, aside from his significant other, he has shared this with. I feel very appreciated that he saw me as a close friend and was willing to share something so personal with me. He didn't do that with anyone else. Sometimes I don't really know what to say in situations like this. I don't want to show pity, but I do show sympathy. I am lost for words, but maybe no words are needed. I listened, gave him a hug, and maybe that was all that was needed. He says he'll be there for me whenever I need to talk. I know that is true.

I know it is hard to share with someone else an emotional and personal issue. It makes you think about it more. Talking about it brings up emotions that you have perhaps suppressed; it opens up wounds that perhaps have started to heal.

All of this makes me think about my mother. I've realized how much I love and care about her now that I don't see her often. It wasn't like this before. I feel like we've grown emotionally closer as we grow physically further apart. Sometimes I'm worried about my mom. She's basically on her own now, taking care of herself and my sister. She doesn't have any friends to go to in times of need, and she doesn't really have my dad to lean on. Just yesterday when I called her, she said she broke the fish bowl and cut her hands pretty bad. A few months ago, she got really sick too because of the weather, and she had no one to take care of her, yet she still needed to take care of my 7 year old sister.

My mom is incredible. My family has struggled very hard thoroughout these years we've been in America, and my mom has gone through hardships that I can never truely comprehend until I've experienced it myself. When we were in China, my mom worked as an accountant in a big business corporation. She was the president of the accounting department, earned a big salary, even more than my dad, and wore expensive business suits. We never really had to worry about money. All that changed when we came to America, why? So that my dad can pursue his career in academia and pursue the American dream. To help support our family, my mom worked various menial jobs, from being a busser and a waitress at a local Chinese restaurant where the boss is a complete bitch, to cleaning toilets, to changing diapers and cleaning bed pans as a nurse's assitant at a nursing home, to pumping gas at a gas station, to a cashier, to a student at a community college, and finally now back to being an accountant. She is just INCREDIBLE. My mom is now 44 years old. She's worked hard her entire life, and she shouldn't have to continue to work so hard to support my sister and I. Sometimes I hate my dad for doing this to my mom. I hate hate hate. It is so selfish. I HATE. I also hate myself for getting pissed at my mom all the time. I hate how I complain to her that I have to work two jobs, or that I don't have money to do various shits. Yet, whenever I'm low on money, she ALWAYS sends me a check. My mom deserves so much better from me. I am immature and stupid. Now I know. I feel like shit having to ask her for money to go to Guatemala. She's already paying for my MCAT class, and now she's paying over $2500 for me to go to Guatemala. She continues to support what I want to do with my life.

God damn...I LOVE my mom so much....

sweat baby sweat

2009-04-21T19:05:00.000-07:00

This massive heat wave that has hit Berkeley in the past few days make me wonder how in the world I survived in Davis. The weather right now makes me feel like I'm going through menopause, this must be what hot flashes feel like. Intense heat and then chills. mm...joy....Besides the fact that it is so damn hot, I'm kind of glad that summer is approaching. It makes me happy to see people wear brightly colored shirts, flowery dresses, flowy breezy clothes. Its as if people are breaking out of their stiff and stuffy jackets and fur boots. Walking outside around dinner time is a bliss. It brings back memories of the walks I would take with my parents after dinner when I was little. Good times good timesss...

This summer will probably be the most important summer ever in my life. I'm throwing myself to the ferocious beast called MCAT. I'm not looking forward to it, but its do or die. I've got to do what I've got to do, there is no other choice.

I've realized that for many of us, when we come to college, we are given a clean slate, and we start to build new and independent lives for ourselves. When we meet people and become friends with them, it seems as if their lives before college are no longer significant. No doubt that one's life experiences before college shape the way they are today, but it just seems it didn't matter where the person is from, what the person's parents do, what the person's family's financial situation is. It simply didn't matter. It almost seems as if the life of the person you know has only started the moment you guys meet. Sometimes you have to step back and realize that there is so much history people can have before when they have entered your life. I know for a fact that if I brought friends back home to Davis, they'll realize that there is probably about a billion things that they didn't know about me.

We watched the birthing scene in human reproduction today. OHH MYY GODDD.....

palms are sweaty

Waiting is the hardest part

4-20

2009-04-21T00:38:00.000-07:00

So loosen your hold
Though you might be frightened
Release or be caught
If this be the right thing
Unable by thought
To look what the tide brings in
So loosen your hold

We talked about marijuana today in public health 116, how fitting. I fell asleep because it was so damn hot in that room, I wish I stayed up so I can learn about how great marijuana is. Apparently, marijuana is less dangerous than alcohol. The speaker supports the usage of marijuana, medicinally or recreationally. She says that smoking cigarettes is more harmful than smoking marijuana. There is no connection between smoking marijuana and lung cancer.

I continue to lie to myself. I now realize. "Detox just to retox." Is it possible to be addicted?

*crosses fingers*

wadslfkwakdfa fuckkkkkkkkkkk. Tomorrow will be a better day. Or rather, today.

Jealousy

2009-04-15T20:34:00.001-07:00

You are my friend
You are my competitor
so therefore sometimes you are my enemy
We both want to accomplish and achieve the same things
I only wish there were enough spots for the both of us
But unfortunately, this is a cut throat world
this is a competition
if its down to you and me
I want to win
but somehow you always come ahead
you always beat me
You are everything that I hate
yet you are everything that I wish I could be
So its not hate
it is simply jealousy

Photography

2009-04-12T10:05:00.000-07:00

I have about 20GB of photographs in my computer, and that number has only been growing ever since I started getting into photography. I've always enjoyed looking at photographs, especially pictures that involve people. People have always intrigued me, their body language, their capability of conveying and invoking emotions, the ability to state a presence, their complete complexity and mystery, the ability to control yet the complete loss of control. Despite the fact that pictures only capture and freeze a single moment, and the person's voice and movements are completely erased, its amazing how the person's personality, thoughts, emotions, still come through subtly in the pictures. It just seems that with every different picture and with every different person, there is a totally different feel to it. Pictures really take human communication to a totally different level. There is no need for words or even a continuum of movements and body language. Just one single moment is able to convey years of story. Amazing photographers are able to accomplish this. I hope to do so someday.

On the opposite spectrum of portraits, there are some pictures where the human aspect is completely taken out of the person, and the person becomes nothing but an object, a prop, emotionless, senseless, without soul. It becomes a shape, a shadow, a tone, a texture, a color. It's like taking meaning out of something. I find that absolutely fascinating.

I've always had an interest in the visual arts. I took drawing classes when I was little, perhaps the only class forced upon my parents that I absolutely loved and pursued in. I continued in the fine arts throughout middle, high school, and even college. I've worked with dry and wet media, pencil, charcoal, conte, acrylic, watercolor, etc, it was great to experiement with different techiques, tools, and styles. For awhile, I really wanted to drift away from the traditional art of drawing and painting, and take it up a notch into the more modern, technical realm of digital art. Somehow the intangibility of a digital photography is appealing to me. This is a form of art where the artist can't really touch, can't smell, can't really feel. It is completely not RAW.

Last summer, I saved up enough money to buy a digital SLR. It's not a high end camera, but whatever, it gives me results that I'm happy with. No way is it any where near the photographs taken by professional photographers with $2000 cameras and equipments, but its okay, I'm not trying to pass off as a professional photographer, plus, I have to start off somewhere right? Maybe one day I'll upgrade my equipments, but for now, what I have can definitely do the job.

Photography is sure one expensive hobbie, but it's absolutely worth it. I haven't found something I'm so passionate about for so long. I am glad to be part of this creative process. It's so fun to just take pictures of friends, it's so interactive! whereas for drawing and painting, you kind of just sit there in your own lonesome corner and get lost in your own thoughts. Not that I don't like drawing and painting, but this is definitely something different.

I really want to grow as a photographer, I want to get more creative with my photographs. I need and search for inspiration, and that is why I watch America's Next Top Model, lol.....

KRZY week

2009-04-07T18:34:00.001-07:00

WEDNESDAY
-I went to see Ratatat at the Fillmore with four of my friends. It was SIIIIICCCCCKKKKK. I was dead front and center. I rocked out SO HARD my hair, shirt, pants were completely drenched with my own sweat, other people's sweat, and the smell of weed perforating through every pore of my body. It was EPIC. I danced and jumped like I have never before.
-I was so close to Mike and Evan, I touched their pants, shoes, hair, hands, knees, guitar, and drums. When they crowd surfed at the end, I was able to grab both of their asses, and it was HAWT. Evan is a CUTIE. Oh I always have a thing for guys who are musically talented. mmm mmmm weakness #1.
-Best performance of the night: Shempi. The entire crowd jumped at the chorus, and it was impossible to not jump. Even if you wanted to stop, the force of people jumping around you was so great that it basically lifted you off of your feet. I felt like my feet never touched the ground.
-We all got free Ratatat posters. A homeless guy asked me for mine, and I said no.
-This is the first concert I've went to with just a bunch of friends. The most fun I've ever had at a concert.

THURSDAY
-I don't remember what happened on Thursday. I probably studied, nothing eventful.

FRIDAY
-I usually never study on a Friday, but I went to the library and studied until 10pm. Why? So that I can get crunk on Saturday.

SATURDAY
-Hey you. You throw the sickest parties. Wish you played more of my music though.
-I had a shot of vodka. A shot of rum. Two Mohitos. Two Sangrias. All within one hour. Paid for the consequence soon afterwards.
-I barfed all over the bushes. It was like a waterfall. This is the second time I've puked at a party. After the first time, I told myself that it'll never happen again. Well...I guess I really didn't know how much I was drinking.
-I feel so loved. When I was puking in the bushes, there were all these people that I don't even know holding my hair to keep it out of my face, handing me paper towels, giving me water, rubbing my back, and just being outside to make sure I was okay and just looking after me. There it was, in the middle of the night, all these people that I don't even know showing compassion and care to me, someone that they don't even know. How wonderful. I feel like I can have faith in people once again. When my bangs were falling in front of my face while puking, this guy held them back and said that my bangs kept me looking hot. HAHAHHAA what a cutie....okay lisha, get yourself together, *snaps back to reality*
-LOVE LOVE LOVE. It is so easy to give and receive. Just do it! Stop making it like its such a sacred thing that only a very few deserve. I love you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you...
-Two guys gave me a lap dance. It wasn't that great. HAHAHAHA. Sadness
-I met a lot of suitcase youth clinic people. They are pretty amazing. I can't wait to go back during the summer.
-My thighs burned from dancing so much. Everybody was getting so low that it was kind of tiresome, especially when I was half drunk and couldn't keep my balance. Yeah, you are right, I can't handle you, cuz I don't have skater legs like you.
-Three guys ripped off their shirts to the song, "its gettin hot in here, so take off all yo clothes." I saw pale, hairless, Asian bodies.....I don't know what to say......except.....YEEUUUH!!!
-Apparently I'm violent when I'm drunk? I don't think so? I hope not?
-I remember everything that happened that night and everyword that was said. It was fun, kinda edgy, kind of exciting, a little bit of everything?
-Hey you. Maybe we should just tell people that we are brother and sister.

SUNDAY
-woke up at 9am with a terrible terrible hangover.
-I wrote a private blog. Maybe it will never get published. Who knows. Curious?

MONDAY
-studied
-Paid my deposit for the Guatemala trip. I am soooo excited!! YEEEE!

TUESDAY
-I AM FREEE!! YAY! Two midterms down! and nothing more to go!!
-This random guy started talking to me while I was waiting to get some food. He asked me about my midterms, and so naturally I asked about his midterm that he's taking tomorrow. He said it was for math 16B, and then asked if I took that class. I said, no, I took math 53 and 54. He must've felt like he got owned, cuz he then said, oh, I was thinking of taking that at a community college.......The end.

RANDOM
-I wish my hair would grow faster. I want my long hair back.
-I want to get two more piercings.
-I am continuing to save money for Guatemala.
-I am waiting to hear back from the job I applied to.
-I would sometimes smile and laugh randomly when I'm just walking.
-ASUC people. Stop harassing me when I'm walking on Sproul, and stop spamming my facebook.
-I can't wait until I turn 21
-Life is good.

Keeping up

2009-03-29T13:45:00.000-07:00

I've realized that it is hard to have my blog keep up with my thoughts. Way too many thoughts pass through my head each day, and there is no way I can keep a detail blog of it. I do want to get them down on paper though, its a way for me to clear them out of my mind. So I'm going to keep this simple, and just let my mind speak...

I am totally in love with Electronica. My taste in music has always been changing as I mature and explore, its been a journey. I know that I can be very picky when it comes to music, but I think I've definitely become more open. I feel like I've gone through a musical revelation in the past few months. Just within the category of Electronica, there is so much diversity, from minmalism to brain popping electronic beats. Its absolutely AMAZING. There is stuff that is so beautiful that it makes me want to lift up my arms and scream YEEEHHHH. There is stuff that is so fun that it makes me wanna dance my heart out. Now if only I can make my own music. I have a keyboard, but I can't play anything on it. I have an electric guitar, but I can't play anything on it. Its my fault for being a lazy ass. I wish my parents spanked me with chopsticks when I was little for not going to piano school. I wish they pushed me harder.
-----------
party hoppin
shots poppin
I think I am absolutely crazy sometimes
yet, I've never felt so alive
-----------
Amazingly, I've been keeping up with my New Year resolutions.
I've gone through some of the toughest times in my life in the past few months, and I feel like I finally know who my real friends are. They are the ones that always make time for me in their busy schedules even when I don't make time in mine for them. They are the ones that give without ever expecting a return. They are not the ones that only offer nice gestures, but actually act upon them. They are the ones that know to push me and knock on my door even after I've closed my door on them. Thank you for the endless hours of verbal diahrea by the side of the curb. Thank you for chugging those quarts of ice cream with me. Thank you for sitting there and listen to me ramble for hours. Thank you for making me laugh like I've never before. Thank you for always calling me to check up on me, even when I never pick up the phone. Thank you for being a stupid high school drama queen with me. Most importantly, thank you for always having me in your life even when sometimes I wasn't such a great of a friend. I've made some amazing friends this past year. I've broke down my walls, shared so much, listened so much. It is this stream of dialogue, stream of thoughts, that bring people closer together and onto another level. Never again will I rely my happiness and sanity on ONE person. I am going to cherish and embrace everybody that I have in my life right now. I love you all.
----------
I am going to move into a different apartment next year with some different friends. I'm going to be bringing some CRAZZIESS and fun in DA HOUSE. Strobe lights, black lights, my sick ass JBL creature. Oh yeahh, aren't you excited? I sure am!
----------
Let it go. I've told you that I've moved on. Believe me. I am over it. I am just curious thats all. So stop bringing it up. Stop reminding me by writing it all over my arm. It only pulls me back, and I want to move forward. Sure there is always a possibility for something better. But I am not going to sit here and wait and worry about it. If our lives meet again in the future, then so be it. But let it go.
----------
It has become so much easier to talk to my parents now. I feel like we almost reached the level of friendship. Its kinda cool. We even joke around now. I think they like my humor. I make them laugh. Its great. I love my parents.
----------
bottom line. Life is so fuckin awesome right now.

Cheese

2009-03-28T13:41:00.001-07:00

I was walking out on Telegraph today on my way to the bank, and I stopped at the red light at the intersection of Durant and Telegraph. As I stood there waiting for the signal to walk, I overheard these three people talking.
"So what made you become premed?"
"Well it was because of my back injury. I was in so much pain, and I realized that it is the amazingness of my body giving me my back pain. I was just amazed at how the body works, and also how the doctors were able to fix my back problem and completely change my life."
The guy said all of this with a great big smile showing his perfectly white teeth, there was almost a tone of arrogance in his voice. Listening to this tall white guy with blond hair, his light blue Abercrombie shirt with its collars popped, khaki shorts, and Birkenstocks, I felt a great sense of CHEESE and it really annoyed the hell out of me. Okay, I know I'm being very judgemental here, this guy has every right to say whatever he wants, but I don't know why, I am just so annoyed. Maybe I'm just annoyed and jealous because this guy knows why he wants to become a doctor, yet I am sitting here and I have no good reason for why I want to be a doctor. Actually, I do have a reason, but I can't formulate this all out and get the idea wrapped around my head. Everything seems so disconnected and all over the place.

I am going to Guatemala this summer to help build a health clinic. I am SOOOO EXCITED!! I'm hoping that working in a developing country and actually witnessing the challenges and hardships first hand will open my eyes. Maybe for once, I'll find a reason to fight for.

Nature

2009-03-26T15:33:00.000-07:00

I went hiking yesterday at Tilden Park with a friend. I'm usually not too fascinated by nature. I am not a big fan of taking pictures of scenery, and not particularly fond of learning about the fauna and flora. Yet, yesterday I found the hike to be quite exhilarating. My friend and I hiked for miles at a time where we would be the only ones on the trail, not a sign of other people or anything else manmade. Sometimes we would be walking in complete silence, taking in the sound of each crunch against the fallen crispy tree bark, the smell of mushy decay in the mud, the small buzz of insects flying around, until
"God, I can't believe I got 24 pts below average"
"omgg, its okay, I got below average too. Soooo baddd"
FUCKK, it just seems like we are always so consumed by our grades on ONE test, in ONE class. It seems like such a small and menial part of our lives, yet we place so much importance on it, and we worry and worry and worry non stop over it. In the midst of everything, our own individual lives and worries are such a microcosm of what is really out there, yet we always seem to lose sight of the big picture and develope myopia, where all we see is this ONE test, in ONE class, this ONE point that I could've gotten, but because of my stupid mistakes, I couldn't. Seriously Lisha, get a grip on yourself.

Verbal Diarrhea

2009-03-26T01:08:00.000-07:00

I eat coffee with banana

Notes

2009-03-25T10:53:00.000-07:00

Inbox, Deleted, Drafts, Sent, Notes, Outbox
May 23, 2007 ........................................... #1
May 24, 2007 ...........................................NUMBA 2!!!
May 26, 2007 ...........................................threeeeeeeeeeee
May 27, 2007 ...........................................44444
May 29, 2007 ...........................................high FIVE!
May 31, 2007 ...........................................sexy six
Jun 1, 2007 .............................................. se7en
Jun 3, 2007............................................... ei8hteehee :D
Jun 7, 2007 ...............................................n.i.n.e
Jun 12, 2007 ............................................10!@#$%^&*()
Jun 18, 2007 ............................................ ELEVIN! AGAIN!
Aug 2, 2007 ..............................................My novel about us ;D

Select All, Delete forever